Apologies in advance, folks.  Sometimes I get burned out on writing up movie news, and at times like these, I often find strange ways to entertain myself.  Ways like, say, going through Kevin James’ back catalog and replacing him with the glib gorilla from the Zookeeper poster (who’s voiced by Nick Nolte in the movie, if you can believe that).  I just saw the poster and felt like the gorilla stole the show, you know?  I mean, you’d think a jungle-dwelling primate like a gorilla would be freaking out on a roller coaster ride, which is meant to be scary even to jaded humans who live in houses and drive cars after all, but judging by his facial expression, he’s calm as a Hindu cow.  There’s something bewitching about him, this mysterious gorilla, like a furry Mona Lisa.  Where did he come from? What’s he thinking? What other stuff does he like to do?  So that’s why I went back through some of Kevin James’ most memorable posters and replaced him with the gorilla.  They give his films a more thoughtful vibe, I feel.  I thought about calling it “Everything’s more fun with monkeys!” in honor of The Hangover opening and the monkey in that, but then that opens up a whole debate over how gorillas are apes, not monkeys, and whether it’s okay to refer to an ape as a monkey because “monkey” is a funnier word, and blah blah blah.  The point is, I made some pictures to entertain myself, and now I’m sharing them with you in lieu of doing actual work.  I hope that’s okay.  This is probably the dumbest thing that I’ll ever post.  But no promises.

Read the rest of this entry »

Welcome to another installment of This Week in Posters, the feature that puts all your movie posters in one place. Got a poster? Send it over. This week is big, as we’ve got Muppet Movie posters, bad X-Men posters, Horrible Bosses, and Jesus Photoshopping Christ, are you seeing this diagonal Kevin James abortion in the banner pic? Someone is just screwing with me now.

PAUL BLART: ZOOKEEPER.  Look, this movie is called “Paul Blart: Zookeeper”, okay?  Don’t listen to anyone who says it isn’t.  Secondly, mother of God.  The only thing I can think of was that the poster designer felt he (or she) had to keep upping the ante on making this look like the most terrible movie of all time, and after the trailer had a rapping gorilla, there wasn’t much room left to go.  Oh the diagonals.  This is like a bad version of Groundhog Day, where I keep cocking my head to the expecting a different outcome and AW GOD DAMMIT! IT’S THAT BADLY-PHOTOSHOPPED PICTURE OF KEVIN JAMES AND A GORILLA AGAIN!  JEEVES, FETCH MY EYE BLEACH!  …GAHH, I DID IT AGAIN!

Read the rest of this entry »

Kevin James stole Brendan Fraser’s career and made it fatter. Here’s the teaser for Zookeeper, Kevin James’ latest in which he gets love advice from talking zoo animals. I could say a lot about this film, but I think Scream, Fall Down, and Monkey Covers His Eyes pretty much covers it.

And yes, this script sparked a bidding war and eventually sold for $3 million dollars.  And you wonder why MGM is broke.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Paul Blart: Zookeeper idea has been mentioned before, but now we have more details.  Depressing, depressing details.

Kevin James, fresh from “Paul Blart: Mall Cop,” will star in the title role in MGM’s “The Zookeeper” for director Frank Coraci [director of Click].

“Zookeeper,” penned by Jay Scherick and David Ronn [Norbit, Guess Who, National Security, I Spy and Serving Sara], centers on a lonely zookeeper who decides to leave his job because he can’t meet a girl, leading to an intervention by the zoo’s animals.

MGM won a bidding war last April for the spec, paying $2 million against $3 million, while the studio was in the midst of ramping up a slate of homegrown projects. [Variety]

In a bidding war over a script about Kevin James and zoo animals, the only winner is society if both sides kill each other.

You haven’t been depressed until you’ve seen 900 words in the L.A. Times dedicated to Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Most of them explain why it’s performed so unexpectedly well at the box office (I could explain that in two words: no competition), but the last two paragraphs reveal some news about the principals’ upcoming plans:

What’s less clear is when Paul Blart might save the day again. James has been developing the comedy “Zookeeper” at MGM and may soon costar in a new Sandler comedy for Sony.
“Happy Madison historically has been very reluctant to do sequels,” says a hopeful [producer Doug] Belgrad [who’s also responsible for The Ugly Truth]. “But we believe there is an opportunity to make another Paul Blart movie.” [LA Time]

Oh boy, Paul Blart: Zookeeper.  I wonder if he’ll try really hard to feed the animals but then mess it up because he’s fat.  That would be really funny.  Heck, we could just make this into a series like those tween movies the Olsen twins got rich off.  Paul Blart: Truckdriver.  Paul Blart: Chiropractor.  Paul Blart: Bricklayer.  Paul Blart: Jew Lawyer.  They’ll all be about a fat guy falling down, but in each one he’ll wear a new outfit.  Ooh, I smell action figures!