I’m not exactly up to date on my Japanese instant classics, so forgive me if you’ve seen this one before. But today we bring you an exciting clip from the 2010 comedy/horror Kyonyû doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5, or as I like to pronounce it without getting a headache, The Big Tits Dragon: Hot Spring Zombies Vs. Strippers. Once again, don’t you ever change, Japan.

According to the film’s lone review on IMDb, Dragon is the harrowing tale of five strippers who don’t have very many clients, so they make up for it by posing seductively and play fighting with each other to fill the space where plot would traditionally go. And as you’re about to watch in the clip after the jump, at some point one of the strippers becomes a zombie and attacks two of her peers. However, she doesn’t try to eat them as we’ve come to expect from traditional zombie films. That is, unless by “eat them” you mean she fires a flamethrower out of her cooch.

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Uh oh, it looks like some Japanese upstart is trying to steal Tom Six‘s thunder. Handfuls of our own feces at dawn?

Zombie Ass (I’m sure it sounds much prettier in Japanese) premieres at Fantastic Fest, and trust me, you want to read this synopsis.

We are going to flush you! The most crap-tastic zombie movie ever to emerge from Japan’s cinema sewer is finally upon us, and it’s from the twisted mind of cinematic madman and legendary ass- fetishist Noboru Iguchi…

I hope this guy has a business card with just his name and “legendary ass fetishist.” In fact, I’m having those printed right this second.

…creator of THE MACHINE GIRL, ROBO-GEISHA and KARATE-ROBO ZABORGAR! Given free reign by a generous, independent producer to plumb the depths of his toilet-obsessed imagination, Iguchi has created a splatter comedy guaranteed to warm the bowels of those with the stomach for it…while more sensitive viewers may want to plug their noses and flee in disgust! Wracked with guilt over the suicide of her sister Ai, who was tormented by high school bullies, pretty young karate student Megumi accompanies a group of older friends on a trip into the woods: smart girl Aya, her druggie boyfriend Tak, big-boobed model Maki, and nerdy Naoi. Things start to go badly when Maki finds a parasitical worm inside a fish they catch – and wolfs it down alive, in the hope that it’ll help keep her skinny!

Maybe she just wanted something tentacle-shaped all up in her nether regions. Big-boobed models are often into that, or so I’ve read.

And then….zombies!

I don’t even like zombies, but “and then… zombies!” is a line you could squeeze into literally any synopsis and make it at least 150% better. “Kate Hudson is a career-obsessed city girl determined to make partner before she hits 30. But when she gets stuck on a ferris wheel with party-loving man-boy Gerard Butler, her world literally turns upside down! And then… zombies!”

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It was only a matter of time before we got this news, and since Vince refuses to put down his Cormac S. Thompson novels and read “World War Z” like I’ve told him to, I get to bring you all the bad news. Currently filming in Malta, World War Z will not follow the plot of the Max Brooks “Oral History of the Zombie War.” Instead, it will tell the story of Brad Pitt, ‘dude who does stuff.’

The story revolves around United Nations employee Gerry Lane (Pitt), who traverses the world in a race against time to stop the Zombie pandemic that is toppling armies and governments and threatening to decimate humanity itself. Enos plays Gerry’s wife Karen Lane; Kertesz is his comrade in arms, Segen. (Via Slash Film)

*deep sigh, wraps tape around eyeglasses, inserts pocket protector, pours glass of YooHoo, hits inhaler*

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR NERD RANT!!!

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This morning I posted Patrick Boivin’s At-At Day Afternoon, which is currently rocketing its way around the internet.  It was pretty good, but let’s face it, Star Wars references are for the makers of internet videos what selling crack is to kids in the inner city. Anyway, the same guy has 202 videos, and one of them was this one, ”Le Queloune.” It’s a little longer than At-At Day Afternoon, but the premise is that some girls use Diet Coke and Mentos to awaken a dead, French clown.  If that description doesn’t make you want to watch it, I’m not sure we can be friends.

I figured that if you weren’t already permanently scarred from Extremo the Rape Clown singing “White Wedding” on Friday, a French zombie clown should do the trick.  I found it at once both revolting and hilarious, not the least of which because the zombie clown kind of looks like Kelsey Grammer.

[thanks to Oski for the tip]

You know, I have to hand it to Andy Milonakis.  It’s easy to like someone like Bo Burnham, because he’s all like, “Hi! I’m the precocious, multi-talented boy next door!”  Meanwhile, Andy Milonakis always gets an A+ in not giving a f*ck.  “Yeah, I’m a borderline psychotic genetic anomaly, what’s up now? I bet you’d love if it I did nice jokes and made sense, wouldn’t you, Bill H. Conformist.  Instead I wrote a Jamaican rap about zombies and eating pussy, here it go…” Seriously though, try not to laugh at the “I suck pussy on R train” line. Impossible.

I wonder what it’d be like to be 33 and look 15. I think if I were him, I’d slim down and try to bang 15-year-olds. It’s the American dream.

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