Today our boy Sexman tackles You Don’t Mess the Zohan and The Incredible Hulk – after he gets through his shoutouts, at least. Don’t go all Hollywood gangsta rap star on us, Sexman.  Once he gets to the actual reviews, he saves his choicest words for the Zohan.

It was a piece of shit film.  Adam Sandler needs to get his act together.   

True that. A Sexman review of an Adam Sandler movie is especially valuable, because every spineless movie critic’s review of Sandler movies these days is, “Teenage boys will love it!”  They think it’s okay to abdicate their critical faculties because if something’s dumb and unfunny but still makes a ton of money, it must be teenage boys’ fault, right?  I guess what I’m trying to say is that I plan to become a great movie critic by spending a lot of time with teenage boys.  Lithe, hairless, athletic-smelling teenage boys.  Their innocence and malleable sexual identity will keep me from becoming jaded, and drinking their blood will make me as virile as a wild boar.  Eeep! I fear I’ve said too much! 

This weekend’s numbers confirm that the two safest bets in Hollywood are kids movies and Adam Sandler (even when he’s mailing it in).  Panda‘s reviews were largely positive, while Zohan got reactions like:

"Judd Apatow continues his quest to kill comedy with coarse, low class, low-intellect rubbish like this, which can turn your mind to porridge if you sit through it." -Tony Medley, Tolucan Times

More timid reviewers might not have used both "rubbish" and "porridge" in the same sentence, but after all, this is Tony Medley, the brash young firebrand who once wowed the literary community with The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Bridge, an instant classic.  

(see the full Box Office breakdown after the jump)

1. Kung Fu Panda, $60 million
2. No Se Puede Molestar El "Zohan", $40 million
3. Indiana Jones and the Army of Monkeys, $22.8 million
4. Sex and the City, $21.3 million (down 62% from last weekend)
5. The Strangers, $9.3 million
6. Iron Man, $7.5 million
7. Fruity British Guy and the Talking Lions, $5.5 million
8. What Happens in Vegas, $3.4 million
9. Baby Mama, $779,000
10. McShitty, $775,000

Meanwhile, Mongol, at number 17, grossed $133,000 on five screens for a per-screen average of $26,000.  That’s 52,000 lapdances when you make it rain JFK’s like I do.  Don’t look at me like that, bitch, you want paper, do a magic trick or something.   

[Source - numbers based on studio estimates]

Opening this weekend (click titles for trailer):

Kung Fu Panda
Jack Black plays a panda, because Jack Black is fat and pandas are also fat.  The panda does kung fu because pandas are from China and kung fu is also from China.  Get it?  Did we lose anyone?  Also, they use the song "Kung Fu Fighting" in the trailer.  I thought that was clever. I also heard the shooting schedule was "Eat, Shoot, Leave."  Ha! Get it? If not, click here.

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan
Hey! You know what’s a better idea than this?  Anything.

The Go-Getter
In the movies, you can steal Zooey Deschanel’s car and it leads to romance and adventure.  In real life, you steal her underwear and she acts like you’re Jeffrey Dahmer or something.  Jeez, bitch, haven’t you heard making a doll out of someone’s pubic hair is the sincerest form of flattery? 

The Promotion
A comedy starring John C. Reilly and Stifler as two competing grocery store managers.  Reviews are all over the map for this one.  Given the stars and the material, it’s a wonder that we’ve barely heard about it.  Someone at the studio must really hate it.  Meanwhile, someone in Seattle loves me.  Got the teddy bear to prove it.   

Mongol
Word on the street seems to be that this is boring, but Mongols are my third favorite historical group behind Vikings and Pirates.  Least favorite?  Still Hare Krishnas.

CinemaBlend today has five new clips from You Don’t Mess With the Zohan, which opens this weekend.  I’m not sure what the point of them is, maybe if one of them makes you laugh you get a prize?

Anyway, I’m pretty excited for this.  Some people say Adam Sandler’s act is getting stale, but one thing I’ve never seen him do is indulge his childhood fantasies of beating up all the kids who picked on him.  Plus, this may be his most hilarious fake accent since Little Nicky. 

Watch the clips here 

The 82-year-old actress who played Mrs. Garrett recently revealed that she has a cameo in You Don’t Mess With the Zohan.

Spoiler alert: Rae’s role brings the term "cougar" to a new level. "We make love together," the veteran character actress told AP Television on Tuesday night at a "TV Moms" event held at the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences. "On a table from one to 10, I rate him, ‘Not bad,’" Rae said, with a laugh.

A table?  Did people used to weigh themselves on tables in the 1800s?  I’m confused. 

In other Facts of Life news, Natalie found a buffalo nickel under her couch after it got repossessed.  You go, girl.