"Is my career in there?"

Paul Verhoeven’s 1997 classic, Starship Troopers, is either a brilliant satire of a terrible movie or a brilliantly terrible movie, depending on whom you ask. And while fans seemingly would have already gotten their fill of giant bugs and Jumpball from two direct-to-DVD sequels, Sony, along with Fast/Furious producer Neil Moritz, have decided it’s high time for a reboot of the franchise (that’s industry talk for a remake of the original that ignores the stories of the sequels). In related news, Casper Van Dien’s offer to suck your dick for a corndog still stands. “Please,” he said, “I’m so hungry…”

Moritz has assigned the script to screenwriters Ashley Edward Miller and Zack Stentz, who, among other things, wrote Thor and X-Men: First Class, as well as many episodes of the TV shows Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles and Fringe. Of course, they also wrote Agent Cody Banks. [Vulture]

How dare you! Anyone with half a brain knows that Agent Cody Banks was actually a scathing critique of the proto-fascist tendencies of the cloak and dagger milieu, NOT TO MENTION a frolicsome send up of the post-corporate, Malcolm in the Middle middle class. In any case, I think the choice for a new Johnny Rico is obvious: Kellen Lutz. Kellen Lutz is the Casper Van Dien of the post-post-9/11 era.

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Yes, it seems Jerry Bruckheimer and David Ellison (brother of Megan, son of Oracle founder Larry) are serious about making Top Gun 2. They’ve hired writers Zack Stentz and Ashley Miller to work on the script (a boy named Ashley! Can you imagine?). Stentz and Miller previously wrote a draft of X-Men: First Class that was re-written by Jane Goldman (Kick-Ass), and wrote Thor with Don Payne (but weren’t asked back for the sequel). It’s hard to say what Stentz and Miller’s contribution will be, but with Bruckheimer producing it’s safe to say that it’s going to suck.

The Variety report doesn’t offer any details on plot, but last year Tony Scott offered some possible details in an interview with Hitfix. Speaking of Tony Scott, Unstoppable is on cable right now, and man, if you ever wanted to watch two guys try and fail to stop an easily-stoppable train for two hours, I highly recommend it.

“I’m not waiting for a script. I’m going to do my homework. I’m going down to I think it’s Fallon, Nevada, down near New Mexico and it’s a whole different world now,” Scott says. “These computer geeks — these kids play war games in a trailer in Fallon, Nevada and if we ever went to war or were in the Middle East or the Far East or wherever it is, these guys can actually fly drones.  They are unmanned aircraft.  They operate them and then they party all night.”

Ooh, I hope it’s still about nerds playing on computers. That sounds super glamorous.

HOT FLIGHT CONSULTANT: “Lieutenant, I just really want to hear about the Mig sometime.” (*winking sexily*)

MAVERICK: “Well, why don’t you come by some time and we’ll… discuss.”

CUT TO: Two hours later, at Maverick’s apartment

Mav offers her bong load, they pass out playing xBox.

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(Damn Nation —> Damn Yankees. Don’t tell me you don’t see the connection.)

We’ve had 1000 vampire projects, 1000 post-apocalypse projects, and even a vampire post-apocalypse project.  But Hollywood is like BASF, in that they don’t make a lot of the products you buy, they make a lot of the products you buy sh-ttier and more derivative.

Ashley Edward Miller and Zack Stentz, who wrote “Thor” for Marvel, have come aboard to pen “Damn Nation,” a futuristic vampire project lurking at Paramount, based on a comic by Andrew Cosby and Jason Alexander (not the “Seinfeld” actor).

Set in a U.S. evacuated after an attack from “inhuman nocturnal predators,” the comic tells the tale of the survivors after the government has been forced to relocate to London while scientists search for a solution. [THR]

Sweet, well that sounds pretty sh-tty.  28 Doomsdays of Night Later, they could call it.  You know who I bet would like this?  This guy:

[His name's Chris Noel, btw.  I bet he parties with Weston Coppola Cage. Puffy paint parties.]