Vulture recently did an interview with Kevin Smith, in which he’s his charming, insightful, and funny self (I don’t understand why that so rarely comes through in his movies).  He discusses the disappointment of Zack and Miri (which, to be fair, sucked), smoking weed to cope, and taking a hiatus from the internet.  The whole thing’s worth a read, but here’s a snip:

“Opening on Halloween wasn’t great. We never really nailed our marketing campaign … I mean, having “porno” in the title in some weird way hurt. And that shocked me because I was like, “I thought that was our edge, for heaven’s sake.” But apparently not. I mean, it was what it was. But we should have done better. Because that, to me, was like the most mainstream flick that I could write.

“And so, yeah, that was tough, but something good came out of it, and that was that I became a habitual f-cking weed smoker, for a long period of time. They always tell you, “you don’t get anything done.” And, you know, I was more productive in six months … and maybe I’m giving credit to weed, but the fact of the matter is I stayed off the Internet for six months because after our opening I was like, “I can’t show my face on the Internet!” Because the Internet is like high school, and having Zach and Miri open to ten million is the equivalent of wearing a really gay-ass-looking shirt on the first day of school, and everyone’s talking about it for the next few months. So rather then go back to school, I quit school for a few months.”

It’s true, Kevin normally avoids the gay ass shirt ridicule, but only because he wears the same goddamned outfit every day.  You just know that coat smells like loneliness and Febreze.

As always, the way this works is, when a commenter makes a comment worthy of recognition, YOU nominate it by copy and pasting it in the comments section of this post.  I’LL pick the winner from among the nominees next Sunday/Monday. The winner [usually] gets a sweet prize.  (FYI, the nomination thread is always linked in the ABOUT section).

And as always, we start with the honorable mentions.  Read on to the end for the winner.  First, from the Robert Mapplethorpe Biopic post, MaxwellDemon gives me Tommy Boy flashbacks:

MaxwellDemon says, “They could just shove the whip up the audience’s ass and call it Indiana Jones IV.”

Meanwhile, in the racially edgy department, Cross Country Heat (one of the weirder commenter schticks we have around here – and that’s saying something) on the Gran Torino review:

Cross Country Heat says, “The N-bomb? This movie was so racist against Asians it was only missing the H-bomb.”

And you gotta love how RoboPanda expressed the joy we all felt when Black Dynamite got picked up for distribution on Martin Luther King Jr. Day:

RoboPanda says, “I just overcame.”

Some great comments are short.  Others are long but inspired.  Like Pauly Dangerously in the Axe Sponsors Sundance thread:

*Pauly opens AXE diary, writes . . .*
Today I holla’d at some chick and she totally ignored me. So I says to the bitch, I says “It’s ok, I’m going to beat-off to you later anyway” and gave myself a knuckle crack. Then I went to the gym and tried hard not to get caught staring at the guys’ dongs in the shower. Tonight, I’ll be doing Jäger Bombs at Maloney’s and trying to get some breazy to come back to my house for some Rockband and Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

It was the Totino’s Pizza Rolls that really put it over the top for me.  From the “funny ’cause it’s true” files comes Nominus in the Mapplethorpe Biopic, which Eliza Dushku “literally finalized this week.”

Nominus says, “I bet it would be more accurate to say that they illiterately finalized the deal this week.”

From the Chrysler Sponsors Terminator 4 thread:

Chodin says, “I’m f-cking glad to see this franchise is finally tying up loose ends in their story structure. That was my whole issue with T3. I was like, ‘Okay, a robot is trying to kill these dudes…annnnd, why don’t they just get a P.T. Cruiser?’ .”

And from the Academy Award Nominations thread:

Mark It Zero says, “Angelina Jolie has already applied to adopt Heath Ledger’s statue so it won’t grow up an orphan.”

Jay Leno has applied to steal that joke.  Well done.  Likewise, 50 Cent Teams up With Nic Cage for The Dance was sure to generate some solid comments:

Stinky Peet says, “Beats! BEATS! NO, NOT THE BEATS!!!”

And Chodin astutely points out:

‘The Dance’ is an anagram for ‘Cent Head’.

Whoa.  In Benjamin Button May Not Earn Out:

Rotwangchung says, “This movie didn’t lose money. It made money backwards.”

Cross Country Heat gets on the board again in Amy Fisher is in a Porno (I’ll be honest, I didn’t expect much from this character at first):

Cross Country Heat says, “Ol’ CCH would rather see a sex tape of Mary Jo getting some lovin’ in her head hole.”

Indubitably.  So that brings us to the prize winners.  Second place, in the Tom and Jerry Movie thread:

Pauly Dangerously says, “Remember that Tom and Jerry where Jerry would burn Tom on the back of his neck with cigarettes and hit his Mom?”

And the grand prize goes to (and I had to nom this one myself), Donkey Hodey, in the Gran Torino Review thread:

Donkey Hodey says:
we’ve raised a generation of guys like me who can’t tell their asshole from a butter knife

That’s easy, a butter knife is for spreading… oh God, you’re right!

Thanks again to everyone – Donk please send me your address and tell me whether you’d like the DVD or the poster.

^{Simba heard about Subway’s “Five-Dollar Footlongs” and immediately started masturbating}

It was a rough weekend for Schadenfreude Sloth, as most of the major releases surpassed expectations, led by Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa with $63.5 million.  Role Models landed in second with $19.3 million, while Zack and Miri Make a Porno dropped to fifth in its second weekend with $6.5, for a not-too-steep 35% decline from its first weekend.

Elsewhere, The Dark Knight should surpass $1 billion worldwide any day now, and Repo the Genetic Opera did a solid $6,447 per screen in limited release, proving… I don’t know, hopefully that people wanted to see Paris Hilton tortured and killed.  My Name is Bruce and JCVD made $4,444 and $11,673 per screen, respectively.  Meanwhile, my documentary Neighbor Lady Peeing premiered to largely positive reviews from the hoboes I invited to my apartment.  “I liked the part with the aliens,” raved Dumpster Denny.

(full top ten after the jump)

1. “Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa,” $63.5 million.
2. “Role Models,” $19.3 million.
3. “High School Musical 3,” $9.3 million.
4. “Changeling,” $7.3 million.
5. “Zack and Miri Make a Porno,” $6.3 million.
6. “Soul Men,” $5.6 million.
7. “Saw V,” $4.2 million.
8. “The Haunting of Molly Harvey,” $3.5 million.
9. “The Secret Life of Bees,” $3.1 million.
10. “Eagle Eye,” $2.6 million.

[CNN]

Zack and Miri Make a Porno failed to steal the top spot from High School Musical over the weekend as its $10.7 million opening couldn’t match High School Musical‘s $15 million second weekend haul. But don’t feel bad, Kevin Smith, as Yahoo astutely points out, it probably would’ve made more if it had just been a completely different film.  Keep that in mind next time, ya silly goose!  (full top ten after the jump)

1. “High School Musical 3,” $15 million.
2. “Zack and Miri Make a Porno,” $10.7 million.
3. “Saw V,” $10.1 million.
4. “Changeling,” $9.4 million.
5. “The Haunting of Molly Harvey,” $6 million.
6. “Beverly Hills Chihuahua,” 4.7 million.
7. “The Secret Life of Bees,” $4 million.
8. “Max Payne,” $3.7 million.
9. “Eagle Eye,” $3.4 million.
10. “Pride and Glory,” $3.3 million. [CNN]

Zack and Miri was still Kevin Smith’s biggest opener to date (though also his biggest budget).

[Thanks to Christmas Ape for the tip]

^{“Baby Ruth?” Miller asked reporters at a recent press conference.}

Larry Miller, owner of the Utah Jazz and the Megaplex Theater chain, has banned Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno (trailer), a week after showing Saw V on the same screens. It’s a good thing they didn’t go with the original title, Ajax & Genie Make a Torture Porn.

“We feel [Zack and Miri] is very close to an NC-17 with its graphic nudity and graphic sex,” the chain’s General Manager Cal Gunderson [who I guaran-goddamn-tee you hasn't seen it] said. Asked why Megaplex has no problem showing the R-rated, ultra-violent “Saw V,” which shows a man forced to crush his own hands to escape a pendulum cutting him in half, Gunderson said: “No comment.” [NY Post]

Gunderson doesn’t own the company and this probably wasn’t his decision, so I’m not sure why they went to him for comment, unless it’s because he has a silly name.  Okay yeah, that makes sense.  In any case, this isn’t the first time Mormon businessman Larry Miller, who presumably (and hopefully) reproduces asexually has faced controversy.  Other greatest hits:

Banned Brokeback Mountain in 2006.  Said he was concerned about “getting away from the traditional families”, what he called “a very dangerous thing.”

As the owner of a UPN affiliate, he demanded in 2000 the right to breach his contract with the network if it increased its “urban/ethnic programming” to more than two hours per week, due to lack of minorities within the Salt Lake Metropolitan.

Was sued by Casa Bonita, a Lakewood, Colorado restaurant for violation of intellectual property rights and unfair competition. They claimed that after Miller visited the restaurant several times and even asked to see the books, he opened a Utah knockoff called “The Mayan“.

“He is also known for his immense sense of caring and commonly cries at public speaking events such as Jazz player resigning and charity events.” *cough* PUSSY! *cough, cough*

But I’m sure he’s not a bad guy.  He is well known for his charitable endeavors, including building a $21 million training center for cops and prison guards, and donating generously to the Utah Minutemen and National Guard.  What a great man.  After all, f-ck starving children and AIDS orphans, the most important charities are the ones that keep Mexicans off your lawn.  I think I speak for everyone when I say, “May your children turn gay and marry negroes in France, you cocksucker.”

We’re only eight days from the release of Zack and Miri Make a Porno, and the final trailer is now online. I’ve yet to see a Kevin Smith movie that I thought was 100% successful and my heart breaks a little that this will be his first film without Ben Affleck. But Kevin Smith seems like an awesome guy so I’ve got my fingers crossed that this is finally gonna be the one. Godspeed, you fat f-ck.

Kevin Smith was having so much trouble getting art approved for Zack and Miri Make a Porno (trailer) that he ended up using stick figures. But merely having ‘Porno’ in the title is a sticking point for many advertisers.

Among those refusing to carry ads are about 15 newspapers and several TV stations and cable channels. Commercials for the film during Los Angeles Dodgers games on Fox Sports were dropped at the team’s request after some viewers complained, said Dodgers spokesman Josh Rawitch.
One complaint came from a man watching a game with his young son, who did not understand a suicide-squeeze bunt the Dodgers tried, Rawitch said.
“He was explaining to his son what a squeeze bunt was. Commercial break, the ad comes on, and the kid asks, `Dad, what does porno mean?”‘ Rawitch said. “Dodgers baseball has always been about family, and we’ve always been sensitive to the type of advertising that runs on our games.”

Not sure what squeeze bunts have to do with anything, but… This is an outrage!  People shouldn’t have to explain things to their kids!  Job one as a parent is sheltering your children from the realities of existence for as long as possible. It’s a sad day in America when you can’t feel comfortable plunking the lil f-cker down in front of the tube while you hit the strip club.

The city of Philadelphia refused “Zack and Miri” posters at bus stops. Rina Cutler, Philadelphia deputy mayor for transportation, said the stick-figure posters were cute and clever but unacceptable for bus shelters where schoolchildren would see the word “porno.”
“If they want to call the movie `Zack and Miri,’ that’s fine, but Zack and Miri cannot make a porno on my bus shelters,” Cutler said.

Hey, Rina, I hate to break this to you, but a kid hanging out at a bus shelter in Philly has seen far worse than the word “porno.”  They’re probably too busy trying not to step in hobo shit to even notice.

Diane Levin, an education professor specializing in child development at Boston’s Wheelock College, said the posters at city bus stops send a message to children that working in the porn industry is an acceptable occupation.
“It’s drawing attention to a movie which is mainstreaming and normalizing pornography, saying if you need money, this is what you do,” said Levin, co-author of “So Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood and What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Kids.”
The stick-figure images are especially appealing to youngsters, since “stick figures are something for children,” she said. [CNN]

Yeah whatever, Hitler, spoken like a true fatty.  If someone wants to be a porn star, why shouldn’t they?  If you ask me, one porn star is worth at least 50 club promoters and 100 New York City apartment brokers (aka, people who get paid to put ads on craigslist).

[picture source = /Film]

I don’t usually post stills from movies because they’re boring, and it seems a bit like posting individual notes from a song.  But this new batch from Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno has cleavage and porn stars, which trump my principles every time.  And OMG, are they using a hockey stick as a boom mike?  LMAO TSE-TUNG!

This is neither here nor there, but I watched a porno once that was supposed to be about “squirting” and I’m pretty sure those chicks were just peeing.

What we have here are the posters for Four Christmases and Zack and Miri Make a Porno, respectively.  Now’s the time when we play a little game I like to call Guess Which One of These I’d Consider Seeing.  The object of it is pretty self-explanatory.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Kevin Smith has always seemed like a pretty cool dude, which is why I always felt bad admitting that I’ve never really liked any of his movies.  But the red-band trailer for Zack and Miri Make a Porno has hit the web and, dare I say, it looks pretty funny.  There are even things that happen that don’t involve two guys standing in front of a wall!

The poster at left (click to enlarge) was banned by the MPAA in the US, so will be used only in Canada.  I’d complain about the censorship, but I don’t really get it.  I’m assuming they’re trying to imply oral sex, but as my pa taught me, you have to have your genitals uncovered for that.  Otherwise it’s simple assault.