BRO, my dad was a D-Psi-B at Fresno!

BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS! Fire up the kegerator and get a couple pledges to drive, because the movie of the century is filming in Los Angeles right now and we don’t want to miss it. Townies is a comedy “centered on a frat boy whose behavior affects a local neighbor’s family life” and the bro in question is played by none other than Zac Efron, the dude who used to shack with that Vanessa Hudgens babe and recently got peed on by that Nicole Kidman cougar.

Co-starring Seth (B)Rogen, Dave Franco and FilmDrunk’s favorite pledge brother Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Townies is gonna be, like, the raddest movie ever, as long as they don’t mention that time that Jizzy Pete and Black Steve got arrested for pouring mayonnaise and tissues all over the floor at the TKE house and leaving a dude-on-dog porn playing on the house TV. The cops were totes not cool about that sh*t. It’s like, take a joke, d-bags.

Anyway, check out Zac’s sweet tat. It’s not as cool as Fat Pat’s Cat in the Hat Sig Ep ink on his shoulder, but whatever. I bet that p*ssy cried.

(Image via the Daily Mail)

Here it is, your headline of the day:

God bless the New York Post, doing the Lord’s work as always. The “EXCLUSIVE” is as funny as anything else. (*30s newscaster voice*) Doot doo doot dootoot doo doot… This just in! Lindsay Lohan dodges a burlap sack full of truck nutz hurled at the starlet by an obsessed fan! Back to you, Johnny!

Zac Efron was mortified to be caught hanging out at “Fantasy World” sex shop in NYC yesterday – even though he was just filming scenes for his new movie, “Are We Officially Dating.”

Jesus Christ, we already did “Friends with Benefits” and “No Strings Attached” THE SAME YEAR. How many different ways do we need to say “these two white people are f*cking”?

When he realized a photographer had caught a picture of him surrounded by an array of glowing dildos, Efron immediately halted shooting and rushed out to chase down the pap.

Interesting that they refer to a group of dildos as an “array.” Not a herd, a school, a murder, a gaggle, an armada? A quiver of dildos, perhaps? I like to pack my dildos like a medieval archer. Saves space.

“Zac was begging the guy to delete the pictures,” an eyewitness tells Page Six exclusively. “He kept telling him that he has so many young fans and he didn’t want them to see it.” The photog refused, so his reps were quick to publicize the news that it was simply a scene for the upcoming romantic comedy.

“Oh God, a grease fire! Quick, throw cognac on it”

But this isn’t the first time Efron has been caught in a similar situation: Back in 2008 he and then-girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens were photographed shopping for a blow-up sheep sex doll in Los Angeles. [NYPost]

Relevant. We need the Post for important trivia tidbits like that. And, to go with the obvious joke, just so I don’t have to read it 10 times in the comments, this doesn’t look like the kind of guy who’d be uncomfortable in a room full of penises:

I missed my local press screening of The Paperboy, which is a shame, because any film where Zac Efron gets dramatically peed on sounds like a must-see. It opens today, and luckily, Deadspin‘s Will Leitch did get to see it, and quickly discovered what many of us already suspected: that Lee Daniels might be a lunatic. Daniels managed to con the world into believing that Precious was about a Very Important Subject, and thus above criticism of its hilariously over-the-top schlock (misspelled credits!), but without a sheen of Bringing Important Issues to Light, his nuttiness is that much more visible. Leitch, meanwhile, does a smart job giving us the only thing we really wanted out of a Paperboy review – a catalog of the crazy. Excerpted below.

Zac Efron. Efron spends this entire film lying around in his underwear. All right, there are maybe three or four scenes in which he is wearing a shirt, but otherwise, it’s just him in tighty whities, throughout the whole movie. There is no reason for this to be happening; it’s hot out, but everyone else seems to find a way to put on some pants from time to time. He also mimes masturbating to Macy Gray. We’ve all been there, brother. The High School Musical heartthrob also calls a black character the N-word in as nasty a way as you can imagine. Oh, and at one point he has to lie still while Nicole Kidman pees on him.

John Cusack. [...] There’s one scene, however, when Cusack is forced to masturbate over his prison pants while staring at Nicole Kidman’s crotch. Daniels, of course, makes sure to cut to a closeup of Cusack’s semen staining said pants.

Nicole Kidman. Hoo boy. All right, so whatever your thoughts about Nicole Kidman—I think she’s a terrific actress; some find her too chilly; some just think it’s terrifying that she was once married to Tom Cruise—she certainly goes, to paraphrase Tropic Thunder, Full Whore. Daniels basically asks her to be the trashiest, looniest, most pathetic, most oversexed blowsy noir blonde you can imagine, and boy, does she deliver. The best way to describe Nicole Kidman’s crazy-ass performance is that the time you get a closeup of her crotch while she’s peeing on Zac Efron is the second wildest thing involving Kidman. I’d say the first is when you get an extreme closeup of her crotch—like, nearly Sharon Stone-level extreme—as she has an orgasm while sitting 10 feet away from Cusack. These are not isolated moments; Kidman goes all-out as a loony dimwit sex bomb. She never once shies away from the extremes Daniels asks her to go to. Lemme tell you: She should have. They all should have.

Obviously, there’s more in the full review, but I don’t have much to add to this. I look forward to triumphantly climbing up the Google rankings for “Cusack semen.”

Some movies are great because they’re insightful and life-affirming, others are great because they’re like slow-motion disaster footage from which you can’t turn away. The Paperboy, the new film from Precious director Lee Daniels, looks to be a beautiful disaster of Jonah Hexian proportions. I could explain further, but all you really need to know is this:

Nicole Kidman looms over a supine Zac Efron, cries out, “If anyone’s gonna pee on him, it’s gonna be me,” and then squirts an impressive stream of urine onto the High School Musical star’s face and bare chest.

And yes, it apparently includes a closeup of the stream.

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It’s funny that after the success of Precious, people seem to think of director Lee Daniels as Oprah’s innocuous little buddy, because the guy’s pretty twisted. Like, having-AIDs-and-two-retarded-babies-from-your-dad twisted. The first movie he directed, Shadowboxer, has a scene where Cuba Gooding Jr. is having fairly graphic sex with Helen Mirren, which is intercut with another scene of Gooding murdering a guy. Which is a little bit of background to bring us to today, when Daniels’ new movie, The Paperboy, premiered in Cannes. Apparently, this one has a scene that involves Nicole Kidman peeing on Zac Efron. Nice, that was always my favorite Nicholas Sparks novel.

The movie casts Kidman as a small-town vamp whose tacky sensuality proves mesmerising to the fresh-faced youth played by Efron.

When Efron’s character Jack is caught in a bank of jellyfish, Kidman shoves aside a gang of girls about to urinate on his stings — as received wisdom would dictate — and proceeds to do it herself.

“I’m not here to please everybody — I’m here to tell truth,” Daniels said when quizzed about the sequence, suggesting the buzz of amused disbelief it caused on the Internet was because people “have a fetish about it”.

“Jellyfish cure is by urinating on the skin, that is just the way Pete Dexter wrote the book, I executed the vision,” Daniels told AFP after a press screening of the film, which he based on a novel of the same name.

“He is frustrated because he can’t get his girlfriend, he wants this woman, he goes out to swim because he’s furious, he’s swimming off his frustration… and half way through he is attacked by jellyfish.”

Matthew McConaughey, who plays Jack’s crusading reporter brother Ward in the movie, chipped in a word, saying: “That is, practically, what you are supposed to do for a jellyfish sting!” [AFP]

Adds Vulture: “And yes, you get a close-up of the stream.”

Oh thank God McConaughey was there to put things in perspective. “Hey. Y’all should know: peein’ on Zac Efron is illegal. …But ah think ah see a lotta lawbreakers out here tonight.”

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