Baby don't hurt us.

While I sit here waiting for someone to finally give me the ultimate mashup of movie characters making fart noises, I suppose I can settle for today’s best effort of some of Hollywood’s hunkiest A-list male actors saying, “I love you.” There are also some people in this that have no business having ever been cast as a romantic lead *pauses screen, gives middle finger to Josh Radnor* but this post is all about what you ladies want today (or until the next post).

So why don’t you draw yourself a nice, hot bubble bath, pop a bottle of bubbly, strap on a blindfold, lay back and pretend like Matt Damon, George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Colin Firth, Ben Affleck, Shia LeBeouf, Brad Pitt, Zac Efron, Leo DiCaprio, Robert Pattinson, that guy from Scrubs and Paul Rudd are saying those awesome three little words to you. Also, while you’re blondfolded, I’m going to steal your TV.

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"YES! PIG-SEX ME, ZAC EFRON! FORAGE FOR MY TRUFFLES!"

Oh hell yes. I’ve been waiting a long time for this, and finally it’s here, the trailer for The Lucky One, starring Zac Efron as a veteran of three tours in Iraq (OOH RAH! SEMPER FI! HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL DO OR DIE!), adapted from the novel by Nicholas Sparks. HE’S THE THOMAS KINKADE OF NOVELISTS! PREPARE FOR VERBAL LUMINESCENCE!

U.S. Marine Sergeant Logan Thibault (Efron) returns from his third tour of duty in Iraq, with the one thing he credits with keeping him alive-a photograph he found of a woman he doesn’t even know. Learning her name is Beth (Schilling) and where she lives, he shows up at her door, and ends up taking a job at her family-run local kennel. Despite her initial mistrust and the complications in her life, a romance develops between them, giving Logan hope that Beth could be much more than his good luck charm. [Apple]

Ahh, but Beth already has a husband. Hmmm, I wonder how they handle that one…

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"Knock knock... who's there? Your heart."

Thanks to the success of this year’s foul-mouthed and R-rated comedies like Horrible Bosses, Bad Teacher, Bridesmaids, Friends with Benefits, and that other one with Ashton Kutcher that came out first but was probably worse, studios seem to be digging pretty hard to find the next blockbuster comedy idea. So it makes perfect sense that they’d take a trip back to the Judd Apatow farm to harvest the latest ideas of Andrew Cohen and Brendan O’Brien.

Their latest project is a rated R comedy starring, not shockingly, Seth Rogen and, actually shockingly, Zac Efron. According to Cinema Blend, Rogen would play your average Joe, living his vanilla life in Anytown, USA, when all of a sudden – record scratch – a bunch of frat boys move in next door to him. Efron plays the lead pledge trainer, hell master, or elephant walker and hijinks ensue.

I can almost see the pitch now…

Universal Exec: “So do you guys have any big ideas that you’re working on?”
Andrew Cohen: *takes big bong rip* “Uh yeah, like, Seth Rogen plays this dude…”
Brendan O’Brien: *takes big bong rip* “And he’s, like, doing something funny…”
Universal Exec: “OK, yeah, this sounds great. Who else is in it?”
Cohen: *exhales* “I don’t know, like, Zac Efron or somebody.”
Universal Exec: “Here’s a blank check, you glorious c*cksuckers!”

That idea netted Cohen and O’Brien an unspecified 7-figure amount (each!), while Rogen will receive $8 million to star and another unspecified 7-figure amount to produce. Meanwhile, the writers for Adam Sandler’s next project were just paid in Fruit Roll-Ups and nap time.

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If you’re new here, there’s this game we play, where we recreate the plot of crappy movies using only expository quotes from its reviews (NO ANALYSIS!).  As it turns out, the plots of bad movies are generally pretty hilarious on their own. Today’s movie is Charlie St. Cloud, starring Zac Efron.  I’m not exaggerating at all when I say that I’ve been waiting for this moment for three months.  THANK GOD, IT’S FINALLY HERE!  PILOT MY SAILBOAT, ZAC EFRON! PLAY BALL WIT YA DEAD BROTHAH!

As Charlie, Efron plays catch every day at sunset with his younger brother, Sam. The problem? Sam died in a car accident. (Rolling Stone)

We meet Charlie at his peak — King of the Quincy, Washington small-boat sailors, headed to Stanford on a sailing scholarship.  (OrlandoSentinel)

Yeah, Mom has to work two jobs to keep them going, but Charlie and his somewhat spoiled kid brother are lucky kids with bright futures. (OS)

Then, graduation night — “Kegger at the Point tonight!” — a car accident, and Sam is gone. (OS)

Charlie was at the wheel. It doesn’t take long to figure out that Charlie dies too — at least in spirit. (Entertainment Weekly)

But a devout Catholic paramedic (Ray Liotta) willed him back to life. (OS)

Charlie’s life derails. (ChicagoTribune)

Instead of heading off to Stanford to realize his dream of becoming a sailing champion, he stays home (EW)

…to become a hermit-like groundskeeper at the cemetery where Sam is buried.  (CT)

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For a time, there was the possibility that Disney Channel super twink Zac Efron would turn his teen idol fame into a legitimate movie career.  Let’s face it, no one wants that.  Luckily, it seems more and more that he’s gone the almost-Lifetime movie route, starring in the upcoming Charlie St. Cloud, which isn’t a Nicholas Sparks novel, but if it doesn’t make at least as good a plot-recreated-with-reviews post as Miley Cyrus’ sea turtle party, I’ll be sorely disappointed.  I’ve been waiting months for this.  “Listen to ya dead brothah, Chahlie!  Help that sailor girl find her way home!”

Now from Vulture comes word that Efron will jumping from a movie that looks like a Nicholas Sparks movie to an actual Nicholas Sparks movie.  God bless that kid for the material he gives me.

Vulture hears that he is in negotiations to play a former Marine in Warner Bros.’ forthcoming adaptation of Nicholas Sparks’s novel The Lucky One. This would be the seventh Sparks novel to make it to the big screen (just eight more to go!); Efron would play the titular “One,” who returns from three tours in Iraq to (where else?) North Carolina. There he searches for a mysterious woman in a random snapshot he found — a snapshot he believes was his good-luck charm throughout the second Gulf War. The Lucky One is being produced by Sparks’s own lucky charm, Denise DiNovi, who’d previously brought the author’s Message in a Bottle, A Walk to Remember, and Nights in Rodanthe to the big screen.

Hey, does anyone know what the rest of that block quote said?  I couldn’t hear anything after “former Marine” because I was laughing too hard.  I can’t wait for his supporting turn in “Hannah Montana: CIA Physicist.”