"Why should you listen to me? BECAUSE I HAVE A HAT!"

The SAG Awards happened last night, and I wish I could tell you whether anything interesting happened, but I was curled up in a little ball hoping handfuls of advil would bring down the fever I seem to have caught in Sundance.  The Hipster Flu, I believe it’s called.  Ha, who am I kidding, I wouldn’t have watched them anyway.

Anyway, the big winner was The King’s Speech, which took home best actor for Colin Firth and best ensemble cast.  Meanwhile, the biggest surprise of the evening was that Helena Bonham Carter didn’t show up looking like a wino who sleeps in the garbage.

ACTOR:
Jeff Bridges – True Grit
Robert Duvall – Get Low
Jesse Eisenberg – The Social Network
Colin Firth – The King’s Speech
James Franco – 127 Hours

ACTRESS:
Annette Bening – The Kids Are All Right
Nicole Kidman – Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence – Winter’s Bone
Natalie Portman – Black Swan
Hilary Swank – Conviction

SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Christian Bale – The Fighter
John Hawkes – Winter’s Bone
Jeremy Renner – The Town
Mark Ruffalo – The Kids Are All Right
Geoffrey Rush – The King’s Speech

I love Bale, but John Hawkes was robbed.  TEARDROP FOR LIFE!

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I posted a trailer for Brit director Chris Morris’s first feature, Four Lions, back in March, just after it played to rave reviews at Sundance.  Since then, it’s been picked up for distribution for Alamo Drafthouse’s new distribution arm, and they’ve cut together this new trailer for its limited US theatrical run on November 5th.

Despite literally* everyone and their mother** raving about this movie, I’m still not seeing what the fuss is about.  It could just be a lame trailer for a good movie, but so far all I see it’s that it’s “outrageous” because it’s a comedy about terrorists (which Uwe Boll already did, terribly, in Postal).  Once you strip that away, most of the jokes are mediocre-to-lame slapstick, like a guy accidentally firing a bazooka backwards, which I’m pretty sure I already saw in In the Army Now with Pauly Shore.  And you do NOT want to get in comedy battle with Pauly Shore, dude.  Trust me, you will lose.

*Figuratively

**Who mentioned it while trading sex for crack money   [via Firstshowing]

It’s being reported today that GEORGE CLOONEY has signed up to star in a GERMAN SCHEISS VIDEO opposite YOUR MOM.  It’s true! I swear, I’m not JUST SAYING THAT because today is APRIL FOOL’S DAY.  *wink wink nudge nudge chicken dance poop on the floor*

GEORGE CLOONEY and YOUR MOM agreed to do a Euro-pooporn for helmer BRETT RATNER over COCKTAILS at the Airport Travelodge the other night, NOT THAT SHE WAS DIFFICULT TO CONVINCE, GNOME SAYIN?

Prexy JERRY BRUCKHEIMER will finance the project through his MONEY I STOLE FROM STUPID PEOPLE shingle.  It begins LENSING at the RESEDA YMCA on May 5th, opposite the JIMENEZ FAMILY CINCO DE MAYO FAJITA EXTRAVAGANZA.

Source = Variety.

If you didn't see Hot Fuzz, you suck and I hate you.  It was hilarious, and written so much like a South Park episode that Trey and Matt should get royalties.

In any case, Simon Pegg's got another movie coming out.  It's called Run, Fatboy, Run, and, like your whore of a mother, it's something I can really get behind.  For one thing, the title's properly punctuated, unlike those dumb Krauts who did Run Lola Run, and for another, the trailer has "Chelsea Dagger" by the Fratellis in it.  I think it's a fun pirate song, even if Brendan says it sounds like the song they would sing at the end of a Scooby Doo episode where the bad guy takes off his mask and starts dancing.  

As if your face and your mother's whoring weren't enough to make you contemplate suicide, now comes the news that Ice Cube will be collaborating with Fred Durst on an upcoming movie.  Fred Durst of course being the former lead singer of my second favorite band named after circle jerks (after The Circle Jerks).  

Project is based on a true story, and Cube will play a former high school football star who takes his niece under his wing as she becomes the first female quarterback in Pop Warner football history. The 11-year-old QB, Jasmine Plummer, led her team to the Pop Warner tournament, and became the first female to play in the tournament's 56-year history.

Having Fred Durst direct a movie with an 11-year-old girl in it?  That's risky. 

I'm not trying to imply that Fred Durst is a child molester, it's just that he has sex with infants.  Also, I saw him kick a pigeon once.  True story. 

And is it wrong to imagine Ice Cube making that bird call sound when I read the phrase "take his niece under his wing"? Prrrrrrrr.

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