Bill Murray as FDR playing water polio.

I’ll give it to you straight: the only new DVD this week you’ve heard of is Hyde Park On Hudson, the movie in which Bill Murray plays Franklin Delano Roosevelt, but that doesn’t mean the other DVDs all suck; it just means you haven’t heard of them yet.  Also, they pretty much all suck.  But some of them don’t.  Maybe.  Good or bad, each and every DVD this week stars at least someone you’ve heard of, assuming you watch the right TV shows and/or listen to Christian contemporary music. Besides Bill Murray as history’s greatest cripple (suck it, Stephen Hawking), we’ve got films starring James Gandolfini, Jet Li, Judd Nelson, William Hurt, Michael Madsen, Eric Roberts, Eric Roberts (he’s in two movies this week) and everyone’s favorite Greens, Eva and Seth. (Suck it, Brian Austin.)

The DVDs:
Hyde Park On Hudson
Down The Shore
Womb
Sexy Evil Genius
The Sorcerer And The White Snake
Bad Kids Go To Hell
The Kitchen
Late Bloomers
Luster
Crush
Infected
Shadow Witness
Ring The Bell
The Kill Hole
Paranormal Movie
Worth: The Testimony Of Johnny St. James

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

Think you know what a kill hole is?  The only way to be sure is to continue reading. Wondering who the sexy evil genius is?  You might find out if you continue reading.  Did you just finish streaming Fire With Fire on Netflix Instant and are eager for more suggestions?  Just click the link above, but if you do you’ll never know which film will cause you to seriously consider the definition of incest. Read the rest of this entry »

A member of SEAL Team Six discovers that bin Laden’s pubes were left everywhere in that house.

It’s a big week for DVD releases as a bunch of the holiday season heavy hitters are now available for your home viewing pleasure.  Today sees the release of both The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey as well as Zero Dark Thirty, and in a few days both Les Misérables and This Is 40 come out as well. But wait, there’s more:  We’ve also got movies starring Lizzy Caplan, Luke Wilson, Parker Posey, and Haley Joel Osment.  We’ve got bachelorettes and shadow people, and also legless whale trainers and kickboxers. We’ve even got rust and bone.  All that and some cartoon lesbians as well!

The DVDs:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Zero Dark Thirty
Les Misérables
This Is 40
Bachelorette
Straight A’s
Price Check
Sassy Pants
Rust And Bone
The Girl
The Other Son
Hellgate
Shadow People
Adventures In Appletown
23 Minutes To Sunrise
Strange Frame

Streaming: check out your choices here.

I know you’re intrigued by the legless whale trainer, so continue reading to find out which movie has her. You might as well; you’re already going to in search of those cartoon lesbians.  On the other hand, if you insist that you only see movies with real, live, two-legged straight women, you can always just click the link for the streaming picks, but to be honest, most of the DVDs have straight, legged (and straight-legged) women in them as well, so it would still be your loss. Read the rest of this entry »

A little man in a boat just above a gaping pussy. Anatomical symbolism at its most literal.

Today’s new DVDs are a fantastic assortment of films that run the gamut from the Oscar-winning Life Of Pi all the way to The Taint. In between we’ve got films starring Anthony Hopkins, Sean Penn, Aaron Paul, and Ray Liotta.  We’ve got alcoholics and Easter bunnies. We’ve got drug mules and tooth fairies.  We’ve got legitimate rock stars and fake gurus.  We’ve even got some WWII Jewish refugees, both real and fictitious. All that and even some giant spiders!

The DVDs:
Life Of Pi
Hitchcock
This Must Be The Place
Smashed
Rise Of The Guardians
Sound City
The Devil’s In The Details
In Their Skin
The First Time
Kumaré
Pressed
The Flat
Amazing Racer
Storage 24
Spiders
The Taint

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

One of this week’s films has a 100% rating at Rotten Tomatoes, but you’ll have to continue reading to find out which one it is.  Another one of these films is a biopic about a legendary director. You may think you know which one it is, but you’ll have to continue reading to be sure. If you’d like to bypass the DVDs this week, just use that streaming link above, but if you do you’ll be missing out on my detailed examination of The Taint. Read the rest of this entry »

Red Dawn: Because nothing says entertainment like disgruntled emo kids with guns!

That’s right, the awful and awfully unnecessary Red Dawn remake is out on DVD today, but it isn’t alone.  We’ve also got flicks with Jessica Biel, Rebecca Hall, Eva Longoria, Aubrey Plaza, and two films with Catherine Zeta-Jones.  We’ve even got some famous dudes like Bruce Willis and Gerard Butler, if that’s how your ship sails.  We’ve got killer fish and killer water, a chatty hitman and a midnight stallion.  There’s a marine, a quadriplegic, Satan’s angel, and even some cannibals!

The DVDs:
Red Dawn
Wreck-It Ralph
Playing For Keeps
Lay The Favorite
The Bay
A Dark Truth
The Intouchables
Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You
California Solo
Interview With A Hitman
Gun Hill Road
Midnight Stallion
The Marine 3: Homefront
Satan’s Angel: Queen Of The Fire Tassels
Elfie Hopkins: Cannibal Hunter
House Hunting

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

Does the name ‘DJ Mom Jeans’ mean anything to you?  It will, but only if you continue reading.  Curious about the fire tassels?  That’s understandable.  Continue reading to sneak a peek at ‘em.  Of course you can always just click the link above and skip right to the streaming suggestions, but if you do you’ll never know which film sold more tickets to German audiences than any other movie in 2012, and how can you live without that information? Read the rest of this entry »

Not the master of being considerate enough to shut the screen door and keep the bugs out, I guess.

Not a lot is going on this week with major Hollywood DVD releases, but at least what little there is includes The Master. There’s also the latest Twilight flick, but it doesn’t come out until Saturday, so come back in four days and see that I’m still not covering it. Not to worry, though; as always there’s enough obscure indie, low-budget and foreign fare to discuss.  Besides The Master, we’ll cover flicks with Gerard Butler, Sharon Stone, and Christian Slater.  We’ve got flicks about surfers and AIDS and elephants and zombies, and even another elephant. Trust me, this other one is luckier than the rest.  There’s a company of heroes and some fast girls.  We’ve even got a zombie massacre!

The DVDs:
The Master
Chasing Mavericks
How To Survive A Plague
Holy Motors
Border Run
Company Of Heroes
Freaky Deaky
The Loneliest Planet
Darnell Dawkins: Mouth Guitar Legend
The Eyes Of Thailand
500 MPH Storm
Fast Girls
My Lucky Elephant
Silent Souls
Total Retribution
Zombie Massacre: Army Of The Dead

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

The description for one of these movies includes the phrase ‘Reptilian Sex God!‘ You’ll have to continue reading to find out which one it is.  There’s also a movie with both Andy Dick and Crispin Glover. If you want to know which flick that is, you know what to do, continue reading.  If you’ve already seen The Master and are pretty sure everything else is crap, feel free to click the link above and skip right to this week’s streaming suggestions.  You’ll miss out on some graphic video of elephants having sex, but that’s your choice to make, I guess. Read the rest of this entry »