He’s looking at the list of this week’s new DVDs.

Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming is back, and just in time to run down one of the worst weeks for DVD releases in recent memory.  We’ve got big-budget box-office duds like Jack The Giant Slayer, moderately-budgeted duds like Stoker, and just plain embarrassing films like Movie 43 (pictured above).  This week’s not so great selections run the gamut from giants to G-strings, with everything from opera singers to exorcists in between.  It’s June -who really wants to be stuck in front of the TV anyways?

The DVDs:
Jack The Giant Slayer
Stoker
Movie 43
Quartet
21 & Over
The Last Exorcism Part II
The Brass Teapot
Summoned
Divorce Invitation
The Ghastly Love Of Johnny X
Zero Killed
The G-String Horror

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

If I’m being honest, one or two of these films do actually look watchable: it really is amazing what they can do with picture and sound quality on home video these days.  If you want to know which films you shouldn’t skip, continue reading on the next page.  On the other hand, if you’ve already seen The Brass Teapot, feel free to hop on over to the Netflix Instant suggestions by clicking the link above, but if you do you’ll never know which film I think might hold some promise. Read the rest of this entry »

I just got off the phone with UFC legend and jiu-jitsu icon Royce Gracie and I’m just in the mood to run around and start street fights now, so let’s get right into this week’s DVDs and streaming choices.

Available for your private viewing enjoyment this week:

Cloud Atlas
Texas Chainsaw 3D
Back to 1942
Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III
Liz & Dick
3, 2, 1… Frankie Go Boom
Tomorrow You’re Gone

Streaming: And I have a list of movies that I’ll be watching to resume Netflix Instant Theater next week, so I think I’ll start with John Dies in the End, so watch that for preparation.

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“Sometimes I just take the seat off and ride for hours.”

Welcome to this week’s installment of Your Mid-Week Guide to DVD and Streaming. Our beloved Morton Salt is currently nursing a hangover after attending the Metropolitan Museum’s Gala as Sarah Jessica Parker’s merkin. In the meantime, I’m going to recommend a bunch of movies for you to watch this week and then talk about at your next parent-teacher conferences.

This week’s streaming pick: Hemlock Grove on Netflix. I know it’s not a movie, but I just started watching this series and eventually I’d like to have other people to complain about it with. So watch it and then we can pretend that we’re experts together. [Vince's Note: Screw Burnsy, watch Top of the Lake so we can whine about how everyone mumbles.]

On DVD and Blu-Ray this week:

Safe Haven
Mama
Jack Reacher
Steel Magnolias (2012)
Norman
Starlet
The Oranges
Mighty Fine
The Assassin’s Blade
If I Were You
In the Hive
Revenge for Jolly!

Now let’s get to the meat and potatoes.

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You’re looking for camel toe when you should be admiring the sweet PT Cruiser with New Jersey vanity plates.

Today’s Tuesday and you know what that means: new DVDs! For this week’s top pick we’ve got the Oscar-winning Silver Linings Playbook, but there’s plenty of other options if you’ve already seen that film.  We’ve got a movie with Mark Wahlberg and Russell Crowe, a movie starring Seth Rogen and Barbara Streisand, and even a film starring Tobey Maguire and Ray Liotta.  We’ve got DVDs about everything from raccoons to little red wagons, and even one about some old guy who once shook the hand of some other guy!

The DVDs:
Silver Linings Playbook
Broken City
The Guilt Trip
Not Fade Away
The Details
The Man Who Shook The Hand Of Vicente Fernandez
Parked
Little Red Wagon
Young And Wild
The Wicked
Manborg
Agent Beetle

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

In researching one of these films, I discovered a new way to masturbate.  If you want to know more, you’ll have to continue reading.  If you don’t  want to know more about my masturbatory revelation (and I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t) click the link above to jump straight to the Netflix Instant suggestions -but I can’t guarantee that I won’t discuss masturbation on that page as well.  In fact, I probably will. Read the rest of this entry »

J. Crew ads are strange.

My best friend (category: crystalline mineral) Morton Salt is away on vacation this week, so I said, “Sure, I’ll step in and see what’s out on the ol’ DVD and Blu-Ray this week.” And if you’ve been complaining that you haven’t had much time to shave your back or teach your toddlers how to box, then you’re in luck, because there’s not much worth watching this week.

At least not an awesome movie about Chris Kattan playing twin brothers, one running an insane asylum and the other being a patient. How the hell do I miss out on the classics?

Anyway, here are your non-Kattan DVD releases for this week:

Gangster Squad
Any Day Now
The Central Park Five
Promised Land
The Impossible
Pawn
Thale
Wuthering Heights
Cloned: The Recreator Chronicles

As for your streaming choices, I only recommend 50 Cent’s Gun on Netflix. Watch it this week so you’ll be up to speed with my next installment of Netflix Instant Theater, so I can close the book on Cheetah Vision’s great trilogy and immediately check myself into Chris Kattan’s mental hospital for recovery.

Now let’s get synopsisizing!

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