It didn’t seem to bode well for the movie, when in the first trailer for Your Highness, the centerpiece joke was a guy falling down.  The red-band trailer was a huge improvement, but even in that, Natalie Portman’s butt sort of stole the show.  You can hardly blame them, she’s an Oscar winner.  If I made a movie with Meryl Streep’s bush in it, it wouldn’t matter what it was about, Meryl Streep’s bush would be the selling point.  Maybe even the name of my first born.  In any case, early word is that Your Highness does indeed have stuff besides Natalie Portman’s butt in it, and 85% of that stuff is cow boners.   As Danny McBride recently told Opie and Anthony:

“We have a minotaur hard-on in the film.  …And it’s full hard.  There is a rape scene with a minotaur and a man.  You see the minotaur… get his sh*t going.  You apparently can’t show a male hard-on, but since this was a minotaur, we said it was the bull which was getting turned on.  Because the bull is the bottom half.  You can get away with that if it’s creature hard-ons.”

I’ve admitted this before, but one of my ultimate guilty pleasure movies is Freddy Got Fingered, which probably has a lot to do with seeing it when I was really high.  And of course the signature scene in that film is Tom Green holding up an erect horse penis shouting, “Daddy, I’m a farmer!”  I guess what I’m trying to say is that if your film has big erect farm animal penises, my only question is where to buy popcorn.  Wow, you can practically hear my graduate school professors beaming with pride right now.

[thanks to Robopanda for the tip]

There’s a controversy a-brewin’ over Black Swan (on the eve of the DVD release, no less!).  And by controversy, I mean something three or four people care about.  Natalie Portman’s ballerino husband Ben Millipede says Portman did 85% of the dancing in Black Swan, while her body double, Sarah Lane, claims the number was more like 5%.  The filmmakers back the ballerino, but Lane says it was always the studio’s plan to make it seem like Portman learned a bunch of fancy ballarinery to help build Oscar buzz, even though it’s possible to master the moves from the movie after just a year and a half of training.  Since neither party seems willing to resolve this dispute through scissoring, it isn’t of particular concern to me.

Therefore, we turn our attention to more important matters.  Namely, whether Natalie Portman used a butt double for her now-infamous thong scene in Your Highness (more screencaps here, here).  It’s an important question, because as a professional blogger, Natalie Portman’s butt puts food in my mouth.  According to a recent article in the Sunday Life from Belfast, where Your Highness was filmed, the answer to the butt double question seems to be “yes.”  THONGPOSTER, THONGPOSTER! (*body snatchers shriek*)

A SULTRY Ulster model has landed a small role in an epic US fantasy drama — as a prostitute who beats up a dwarf king. Beautiful Caroline Davis plays the medieval hooker in Game of Thrones, the new series from the makers of mafia hit The Sopranos.  Caroline landed her role after producers saw her stepping in as Natalie Portman’s ‘butt-double’ in the Belfast-shot movie Your Highness.

BOOM!  BUTT DOUBLE’D!  I’ve included a couple pictures of Davis below, which were really hard to find considering she doesn’t have an IMDB page, and her name is “Caroline Davis.”  What pictures I did find all look like model portfolio shots, which makes sense as they came from modeling portfolio sites.  And to be honest, she looks rather skinny for a butt double.  Could it be that by “butt double” they meant “stand in?”  (Meaning they used Davis while setting up the lights and camera, but you’d still be seeing Portman’s butt in the finished shots).  I didn’t want to be the one to say it, but these Irish, sometimes they drink.  In any case, if someone from the production wants to illuminate this issue, I would be more than happy to investigate further using a pile of photos, a lightbox, a jeweler’s eye loupe, and perhaps a graduated cylinder filled with bubbling green liquid.  Really, it’s no trouble.  I’ve got time.

IMPORTANT BUTT UPDATE: Word from a trusted source close to the production who would know is: the part where you can see Natalie’s face (the banner pic) is all Portman, they only used the stunt double for the part where she dives into the water (here), because pshaw, son, an Oscar-winning actress ain’t gonna dive into no cold-ass Irish water.   So there you have it.  Aren’t you glad we cleared that up?  I know Natalie Portman’s butt has been keeping you up at night. And now, probably.

MSN has debuted the new red-band trailer for Your Highness (watch it after the jump), starring Danny McBride, Zooey Deschanel, James Franco, and Natalie Portman’s butt.  You’ll definitely want to watch the red-band version, because in the regular, green-band version, Natalie Portman’s medieval thong (see links at left) has been altered, nay, CENSORED, too look like this:

(*cleans monocle, does spit take*) Whaaa? Did they shoot this scene twice with two different bikinis?  Was she digitally de-thonged? If so, how’d they’d decide who got the job of post-production full-butt bikini supervisor?  And if they shot it twice, was there a sexy costume designer around to supervise during the wardrobe change?  I mean, someone would have to monitor it, for continuity, right?  The point is, I’m intrigued.  And now, farbeit from me to diss Natalie Portman’s butt, because, as a blogger, Natalie Portman’s butt puts food in my mouth, but… well, it could be meatier.  I’m just sayin.

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Listen up, Dillweeds: every week, a lot of posters come out, far more than I can cover one at a time. So going forward (THAT’S BUSINESS TALK), I’ll be grouping them all in one place, for you to admire soup to nuts, like Charlie Sheen tried to do with those porn stars.  Now that that’s out of the way, come with me, on a magical journey through pictures and text.

Here’s our the first of this week’s Pirates of Caribbean character posters.  So wait, you’ve got Penelope Cruz on a poster and you’re not even going to maximize her cleavage?  That’s like the first rule of eye-catching!  Obviously you’re not a blogger.  Jeez, use Photoshop if you have to.

[via IGN]

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One of my favorite things Natalie Portman ever did was her gangsta-rap digital short, and she’s got a couple projects coming up that could be similar in tone.  Pajiba reports that she’s producing and starring in Best Buds, a female stoner comedy in the vein of Harold & Kumar about “two best female friends who take a road trip to their friend’s wedding in order to save her by bringing her weed.”  According to leading consultants on prison slang, the “Bud” in the title may actually refer to marihuana.

Portman also had a supporting role in Hesher, which was awesome, but not really because of her, and appeared in Your Highness, James Franco and Danny McBride’s medieval stoner comedy.  Recently there was an early test screening and /Film has compiled the reactions.  Said one IMDB review:

It is most definitely R rated. Very vulgar, lots of nudity and very, very funny. The acting was fine, lots of respectable actors and Natalie Portman is great because she takes it very seriously, she has hilarious lines but says them with complete seriousness and passion, it worked great.

So basically, Natalie Portman overachieved and graduated from Harvard, but now she’s back for the summer and trying to relate by getting high with the townies.

*bong load* Whoa.  Has anyone, like, ever told you you look just like that chick from The Professional?  *cough* I used to, like, beat it to that movie all the time.

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