"Nice Mac, f*ggot."

(*drifts up in Smart Car, commando rolls up to curb*)  5 Fast 5 Furious hits theaters in April 11th, so I hope you’re ready, Playboy!  But do you think the producers are waiting until then to start talking sequel?  OH HELL NAW!  WE LIVE LIFE A QUARTER MILE AT A TIME!  (*snorts line, puts baseball cards in spokes*)

HIT THE N0S, COLLIDER!

[Says producer Neil Moritz] “In Vin and my mind we already know what the sixth movie is, we’ve already been talking about it.  Vin and I have had numerous conversations about what that might be. And we’re starting to get serious about it right now. We just finished the movie like 4 or 5 weeks ago and we just needed a break, and now we’re gonna start focusing on that.”

And if 6 Fast 6 Furious doesn’t grease your gear shift, there’s also talk of a spinoff franchise starring The Rock’s character.

Finally, when I spoke to Dwayne Johnson earlier this year, he told me that the goal was to branch off his character into his own movie.  I asked if Moritz had already started getting a script together: “No we have not started, but we are about to.”

Wait, didn’t The Rock’s character just show up?  That’d be like a Jersey Shore spinoff starring Dina (which would be preposterous, I don’t think I have to tell you).  Oh well.  I’m into it if they can get Parkour Dog.

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Merry Ludacristmas, motherf*ckers, 5 Fast 5 Furious has a trailer.  Walker, Diesel, and Tyrese are back, teaming up with Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Ludacris, and probably a couple random sluts for the disappointingly-named 5i5th installment of the series, Fast Five.  Hijacking moving trucks?  Nah, son. This time we TOWIN’ HUGE BANK SAFES WITH OUR CARS!  HIT THE N0S! PUT ON THE GROUND EFFECTS!  IT’S TIME FOR CAR PORN AND PARKOUR!  OOH WHA AH AH-AH, CARKOUR!!!!

SPOILER ALERT!!!  (SERIOUSLY, SPOILERS EVERYWHERE UP IN THIS BITCH, MOSTLY ATTACHED TO THE BACKS OF CARS TO MAKE THEM GO FASTER)

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So this Estonian lady in Texas dressed her pit bull, Sharky, up in a Na’vi costume from Avatar, and then she dressed up with him and made a video of it.  Sharky didn’t seem to like his Na’vi mask very much, but he was really cool about the family of baby chicks crawling on him.  …You guys?  Can I make a confession? I think TexasGirly1979 could be “the one.”  We could dress our dogs up in movie costumes and have a family of baby chicks — blue ones! Just like the Na’vi!  And it would be just the two of us, and we’d live off the fat of the land, with furry puppies and kitties and chicks in costumes to play with.  Oh please, tell me about the baby chicks again, Estonian lady!  Let’s touch queues and dream together!

I’ve got the video below.  Meanwhile, elsewhere in tangentially-movie-related, former Eastern Bloc dog news, Tret the Parkour dog from Ukraine is setting the world on fire.

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My favorite part of watching UFC on Spike TV is all the ads aimed at my demographic.  They make me feel so smart!  REAL BOOBS! FAKE BOOBS!  WHICH CHICKS ARE HORNIER?? FIND OUT ON MANSWERS! NOW CHUG A XIENCE, F*GGOT! (*explosions, guitar squeals*) XTREME SCIENCE FOR XTREME C*CK HAVERS!   And now, thanks to Date Night at the Museum director Shawn Levy, Spike TV’s Deadliest Warrior is coming to the big screen.  If you haven’t seen it, that’s the one where two guys dressed like old-timey warriors like Aztecs or Vikings argue about who could kick whose ass.  XTREEEME LARPING, OOH WAH-AH AH-AH!  (*chugs Mickey’s, cornholes Burnsy*)

Paramount made a deal for Shawn Levy’s 21 Laps Entertainment to produce a big-screen adaptation of sister company Spike TV’s “Deadliest Warrior.” Shawn Levy and 21 Laps President Dan Levine will produce the film, with the possibility that Levy may direct.

“Deadliest Warrior” pits history’s greatest warriors against one another to determine who reigns supreme. Along with the use of 21st century science and the latest in CGI technology, the series enlists world-class fighters, historians and weapons experts to provide insight into the unique history and style of these combatants which culminates in a head-to-head final fight between two warriors to declare which one would have been the deadliest.   The first two seasons showed such memorable battles as Spartan vs. Ninja, Viking vs. Samurai, Pirate vs. Knight, Yakuza vs. Mafia and Comanche vs. Mongol.

The film’s storyline is being kept under wraps.

Ooh, I’m so intrigued.  Maybe the Vikings will have to save the Ninja Rec Center from greedy Pirates in a break-dance battle?  I didn’t see the Comanche vs. Mongol episode, but I imagine the Mongols would’ve been best served putting down the bow and arrow and picking up smallpox blankets.  Anyway, between this and Real Steel, the robot boxing movie, Shawn Levy is really making the 8-year-old me staging fights between his He-Man and G.I. Joe toys look like a visionary.  No, Joe, Skeletor doesn’t like to be touched that way.

MY PITCH: “Deadliest Warrior Catch,” where a boat full of guys dressed like Spartans compete with boats full of Samurais and Knights to see who can catch the most crab.

(“Hey, bro, is your refrigerator running?  Yeah, well.  It’s been running through my mind all night.”)

Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland was lame and sh*tty and still made a billion dollars, so why not another fairy tale adaptation?  A lot of blow and bad decisions, yadda yadda yadda, Brett Ratner is producing an “edgy” take on Snow White.

Relativity Media has made a preemptive acquisition of The Brothers Grimm: Snow White, an edgy 3D re-imagining of the German folk tale written by Melisa Wallack.
The Brothers Grimm: Snow White will be produced by Bernie Goldmann, Ryan Kavanaugh and Brett Ratner, with Tucker Tooley exec producing.

What a coincidence, “Tucker Tooley” was Brett Ratner’s nickname in Hebrew school.  Hey, Rat Man, do that impression of a hilariously cliché, Hollywood dipsh*t you do.

“This is not your grandfather’s Snow White,” Ratner said.

Beautiful, brother.  You are so talented.

“Melisa went back to the 500 year old folk tale and put in some of the things that were missing from Walt Disney’s film. His dwarves were miners, and here they are robbers. There is also a dragon that was in the original folk tale. Walt made one of the great movies of all time, but ours is edgy and there is more comedy. The original, made for its time, was soft compared to what we’re going to do.”  [Deadline]

YOUR SNOW WHITE WAS SOFT, GRANDPA!  MEET THE NEW DWARVES, JUNKIE, SKULL TAT, AND NOT A FAG!  You want comedy?  Knock knock, who’s there? DRAGONS, F*GGOT!

Keep in mind, at this point Brett Ratner is only co-producing.  And in Hollywood, the actual job duties of a producer vary widely.  Though in this case, I think it’s pretty safe to assume they mostly involve “expressing asinine opinions with your mouth full.”