Ah, Snow White, exactly how I remembered it.

I don’t know what else you need to know about this new Snow White and the Huntsman trailer other than that it starts with an XXXTREME! close up of a raven that immediately DISINTEGRATES INTO A THOUSAND RAVENS and fades into a close-up of some knights, while a voice over asks us:

“Do you hear that? It’s the sound of battles fought and lives lost.”

And right after that, a king cuts a dude in half with a sword and he disintegrates. MAGICAL DISINTEGRATING SWORD FIGHTS! F*ck magic apples, HOW YOU LIKE THESE APPLES?

It’s not your grandma’s Snow White, it’s the Snow White you dreamed about when you were rocking out to Papa Roach. Mirror mirror, on the wall, WHICH XXXTREME SLUT IS THE SLUTTIEST OF ALL??? OOOOOH WHA-AH AH-AH!

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Ever wonder what a Papa Roach cover of “Under the Sea” might sound like?  You may still find out, now that Sony is moving forward with a reimagining of The Little Mermaid.  If you guessed that this reimagining involves making the source dark™er and more gritty^®, congratulations, you’ve read a Hollywood trade before.  It’s funny, it doesn’t seem like making something dark and gritty would take much imagining at all, let alone RE-imagining.

Incidentally, Firefox spellcheck still doesn’t recognize the word “reimagining.”  I envy you, Firefox, I really do.

Hans Christian Andersens’ The Little Mermaid is the latest fairy tale to follow into the studios thirst for reimaginings*. [How do you "follow into" a "thirst"?  Oh nevermind. -Ed]
Sony has picked up Mermaid: A Twist on the Classic Tale, a book by Carolyn Turgeon, for Country Strong filmmaker Shana Feste to write and direct [yes, the woman who tried to make Gwyneth Paltrow a country singer. -Ed]. Tobey Maguire and Jenno Topping, who worked with Feste on Country Strong, are producing.
The story gets its point of view shifted and the tone is definitely not Disney. It centers on a princess who, in order to save her ravaged kingdom, sets out on a dangerous journey to marry the prince of her rival kingdom, not knowing that a beautiful mermaid has fallen for the same man and has sacrificed everything to be with him. [HollywoodReporter]

At least it’s based on a book.  Usually producers of dark reimaginings of fairy tales aren’t into books, because the covers clash with their graphic t-shirts of energy drinks.  Wait, did you say one of the producers was Tobey Maguire?  Why, this doesn’t sound like a Tobey Maguire project at all.  He’s such a nice boy.  In fact, I suspect this might be the work of… EMO TOBEY MAGUIRE!

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"No really, it's awesome pretending this cardboard cutout is a giant robot truck. Did you know I'm married to a Coen brother?"

OH MY GOD, DROP EVERYTHING! IT’S A NEW MICHAEL BAY MOVIE!  Don’t fight it, that’s a big deal these days.  Transformers: Dark of the Moon opens July 1st, and this time around, they really play up the aliens-invading-Earth angle that’s so hot this year (Battleship, Skyline, Cowboys and Aliens, I Am Number Four, Etc.).  Meaning this will probably make even more money than the last one. Hell, Battle Los Angeles made $200 million, and they weren’t even trying to make sense in that.  Plus, Transformers 3 has Josh Duhamel, a blinding bolt of celestial light personified, the likes of which the world never before dared dream, and will never again do without.  I’ll say this for the movie, it’s more fun to watch the giant CGI aliens smash the sh*t out of buildings than it is to watch two indistinguishable balls of CGI wrestle around in an even bigger, shinier, more indistinguishable ball of CGI.  But wait, did I say Sky Surfing?  HOLD ONTO YOUR AFFLICTION SHIRT, BROHEIM, BECAUSE I TOTALLY F*CKING DID.  (*cranks Disturbed, pours Red Bull on cat*)

Okay, maybe not sky surfing.  But whatever the hell you call this:

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Black Dynamite doesn't do board shorts, bitch

Anyone who’s seen Black Dynamite knows that Michael Jai White has the potential to be the next great action star.  I’m still hoping it’ll happen, but in the meantime, the road from Tyler Perry bit player to A-List stardom apparently leads through the sequel to a movie about high school MMA fightin’.  Never Back Down was 21 Jump Street meets MMA, with Cam Gigandet playing the dog-faced gremlin role first popularized by Richard Grieco.  It also starred Sean Faris as Jake Tyler, “a tough kid who leads with his fists, and often, his heart,” which frankly, seemed difficult from a biological/logistical standpoint.

Clearly, this concept of The OC with rear naked chokes needed a sequel, and who better to direct it than Michael Jai White, making his debut?  Never Back Down 2 (NOW WITH EVEN LESS BACKING DOWN!) moves the fighters from high school to college, losing Sean Faris in the process (who, as we all know, only recommends “the college of life”).  A rough cut of Never Back Down 2: The Beatdown, played ActionFest over the weekend, and here’s what people had to say:

Cast predominantly with MMA fighters, Never Back Down II, has a story involving four guys from different background brought together under the tutelage of a retired (but still in his prime) sensei Case to battle for $10K and glory in an underground college MMA tourney, The Beatdown, ran by a hyper Zuckerberg-esque college kid. It is a tale of male-bonding and school-yard posturing and cheap, meaningless over-stylized sex that pops up on occasion. [sounds like my Friday nights]

There is hot-headed wrestler Mike who is dealing with his dad leaving him and his mother for another man.  As if there isn’t enough homoeroticism of sweaty men showering together and grabbling on vinyl or rubber. [Twitch]

Well sure, I always do my grabbling on rubber. That’s the only safe way to do it.  What’s grabbling, you ask?  Why it’s like grappling, but grabbier.

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"Nice Mac, f*ggot."

(*drifts up in Smart Car, commando rolls up to curb*)  5 Fast 5 Furious hits theaters in April 11th, so I hope you’re ready, Playboy!  But do you think the producers are waiting until then to start talking sequel?  OH HELL NAW!  WE LIVE LIFE A QUARTER MILE AT A TIME!  (*snorts line, puts baseball cards in spokes*)

HIT THE N0S, COLLIDER!

[Says producer Neil Moritz] “In Vin and my mind we already know what the sixth movie is, we’ve already been talking about it.  Vin and I have had numerous conversations about what that might be. And we’re starting to get serious about it right now. We just finished the movie like 4 or 5 weeks ago and we just needed a break, and now we’re gonna start focusing on that.”

And if 6 Fast 6 Furious doesn’t grease your gear shift, there’s also talk of a spinoff franchise starring The Rock’s character.

Finally, when I spoke to Dwayne Johnson earlier this year, he told me that the goal was to branch off his character into his own movie.  I asked if Moritz had already started getting a script together: “No we have not started, but we are about to.”

Wait, didn’t The Rock’s character just show up?  That’d be like a Jersey Shore spinoff starring Dina (which would be preposterous, I don’t think I have to tell you).  Oh well.  I’m into it if they can get Parkour Dog.

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