_{Wolverine is Homophobic Turtle’s favorite character.}

After the jump, I’ve got the brand new trailer for X-Men Origins: Wolverine, with lots more footage of Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool, Taylor Kitsch as Gambit, and… uh… Will.i.am (I want to disembowel someone with a claw hammer every time I have to type that stupid f-cking faggity name) as John Wraithe/Kestrel/some kind of black, gay cowboy.  Needless to say, I don’t have high hopes for this movie.  For one thing, it’s a Fox movie and Fox’s execs breastfed lead paint as children (how else do you explain this poster?).  For another, it’s got a goddamned Black Eyed Pea in it.  AGAIN.  Having a Black Eyed Pea in your movie is the unwanted gay advance of death. What idiot thinks this is a good idea?  The comic book crowd is guaranteed to hate it, and Black Eye Peas fans aren’t showing up in droves to watch their favorite singer pretend to be someone else.  I like the Misfits, doesn’t mean I want to watch Glenn Danzig play Thor.  (though that actually might be kind of awesome.)

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_{Homophobic Turtle wants to know how you got your arms like that.  Do you do preacher curls? A lotta iso? He’d love some pointers.}

This new international poster for X-Men Origins: Wolverine is in French, and they don’t have any wolverines in France, so I suppose they can be forgiven for mistaking Wolverine for the Wolf Man.  Also, I think the poster artist might have majored in cock drawing at art school.

New tagline? Wolverine: More fun than a gay wax museum.

[via WorstPreviews]

Silly Wolverine, bringing a bayonet to a dirt clod fight

After the jump, watch “Brothers”, the latest 60-second TV spot for X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which shows Wolverine fighting in the Civil War, Wolverine fighting in World War II, Wolverine fighting in Vietnam… Maybe the twist is that he’s like some 1000 year old vampire who moved to Seattle to bang high school chicks or something like that.  Or maybe he became a superhero by being the only guy to kill more gooks than Clint Eastwood.  Back when I was in Korea, we wouldn’t waste a bullet on a gook. We’d just push ‘em off the top of our giant pile a dead gooks…

Anyway, watch it while you can, because the people at Fox are busy trying to get it pulled from the Internet.  That’s right, they’re trying to stop people from seeing their commercial.  Why?  Because they’re f-cking idiots, that’s why.  Fox is the company God created to make everyone else look smart by comparison.

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I’m not exactly a comic book scholar, so a lot of things about this TV spot for X-Men Origins: Wolverine came as a surprise to me.  For one thing, Wolverine apparently grew up in the antebellum south (or in whatever setting it is in which they use flint-lock pistols and have chandeliers made of antlers).  For another, his claws are made out of bone.  I always thought the claws were added on when they covered his skeleton in adamantium, but according to Wikipedia, it was revealed in 1993 that he’d always had claws of bone.  As writer Peter Allen David told comicbookresources:

Actually, what happened was that we were all discussing how we were going to have Magneto’s return be a big deal. The other writers were bouncing around the notion of a huge Magneto/Wolverine slugfest and I said, thinking out loud, “Boy, y’know, if I’m Magneto, I don’t even bother with Wolverine. I just yank out his skeleton and be done with him.” And there was dead silence for a moment, and then everyone looked at me and said, “That’s a great idea.”
And I said, “No, it’s not.”
And they said, “Yeah! It’ll be a great visual!”
I said, “Well, sure, but then he’s dead. He can’t survive having his entire skeleton ripped out.”
“He has a healing factor!”
“Healing factor?! If you rip out his whole skeleton, he’s a pile of flesh on the floor! He’ll be a healed pile of flesh! What’ll he do? Ooze at people?!”
See, my vision of it was that Magneto ripped out the entire skeleton, not just excises the adamantium that was laced into it. Figures that my biggest contribution to X-continuity was simply voicing a passing thought.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve already committed this whole story to memory and added it to my mental database, filed under: “reasons I don’t get laid.”

^{Homophobic Turtle sees nothing wrong with flexing and grimacing… though his shell feels harder all of a sudden.}

I’m cautiously optimistic about the Wolverine movie.  But it’s hard not to notice that the new trailer has more grimacing and flexing in it than Everybody Does Raymond (great flick, btw).  I know Wolverine’s supposed to be a really manly dude and all, but there’s a fine line between acting really manly and acting like a gay cocktease. I mean… so I’ve heard. From a homosexual. Who I stress, I’m just friends with.  GRRR, WRESTLING PARTNER!

Also: Fox made this. Ruh roh. (Video below)

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