Anyway, director James Gunn and Co. went back to the drawing board to select an actor with the physical attributes to play the gigantic green warrior on a quest to kill the titan Thanos, and it wasn’t that difficult because former WWE Champion Dave Bautista was like, “Hey, I’m gigantic” and Marvel was like, “Sweet, bro.”
Well this sucks. Randy “Macho Man” Savage has died after suffering a heart attack while driving at 10 am this morning in (where else), Tampa, Florida. He was 58.
Florida Highway Patrol tells TMZ … Savage was driving his 2009 Jeep Wrangler when he veered across a concrete median … through oncoming traffic … and “collided head-on with a tree.” Savage was transported to Largo Medical center, where he died from his injuries. Savage’s wife was a passenger in the vehicle during the collision — but survived with “minor injuries.” She was transported to a different local hospital where she was treated.
A heart attack AND a car wreck, he always was one for excess. It’s important to remember: Macho Men don’t die, they just get raptured early. (*pours baby oil out on ground, pushes feather boa out to sea*)
A while back, I brought you the incredible-but-true news of WWE wrestler Big Show’s debut as a leading man in Knucklehead, a film about a retarded orphan who fights MMA to save the church’s orphanage. It’s a premise ripped from the comments section of this very website. Tragically, the film is going direct to DVD later this month. Happily, we can still watch the trailer! It stars Melora Hardin (aka Jan from The Office) making this face, and features a fart joke, a melvin joke, an implied gay-sex joke, and a really fake-looking bear, all in the same trailer. It’s important to note, however, (*RECORD SCRATCH*), that it does not contain a record scratch (*sad trombone*).
As with most awesome direct-to-DVD movies, the trailer and actual movie are only about half the fun. The other half is going to the IMDB page and going down the rabbit hole of the crew’s past credits. My favorite finds this time include the news that Knucklehead director Michael W. Watkins once directed a pilot for the AWESOMELY TITLED “5ive Days to Midnight.” That’s right, 5ive. We puttin’ numbers in our letter now, gramps, represent.
“College professor J.T. Neumeyer has five days to solve a murder… his own.”
BOOM! I just got a thrill-boner — how did that not get picked up? Meanwhile, Knucklehead writers Bear Aderhold and Tom Sullivan currently have three credits to their name: this retarded church MMA movie starring Big Show, the Larry the Cable Guy vehicle Delta Farce, and Bill Engvall’s Bait Shop. These guys… walk… though… the rain drops.
Please, please, pleeeeease tell me that the moral of the retarded church MMA story is that Jesus didn’t tap.
I’ve posted trailers for 12 Rounds and The Tooth Fairy, and just when I thought WWE’s movie projects couldn’t get any worse… THEY TOTALLY REDEEM THEMSELVES!
[In "Knucklehead"], WWE Superstar, Paul “Big Show” Wight plays Walter Krunk, a 7-foot-tall, 440-pound naïve giant who was raised in the St. Thomas Orphanage and never left – until he takes to the road with Eddie and Mary.
Shortly after Eddie loses his new fighter and finds himself $50,000 in debt to longtime nemesis and bookie Memphis Earl (DENNIS FARINA), he discovers Walter, a bumbling life-long resident of the orphanage-turned-handyman with his own debt problems: The kitchen fire Walter caused will close down the church’s orphanage in a week unless he comes up with $50,000. Upon overhearing Walter’s predicament, Eddie convinces the no-nonsense head nun, Sister Francesca (WENDY MALICK) that Walter can win the $100,000 grand prize at the tournament to pay off the church’s debts. But in order to do so, he will need to take Walter on the road, enter amateur fights along the way, and teach him how to become a real fighter. [via WWE Corporate via MMAMania]
That’s right, a retarded giant fights MMA in order save the church orphanage – PLUS – no Cam Gigandet. It might be the world’s most perfect premise. However, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that the exact phrase “retard MMA” has appeared in the FilmDrunk comments section no less than 34 times, the first going back to December 2007. See also: my January 2008 headline “WILL MMA SAVE THE REC CENTER?“ Where’s our money, Vince McMahon?
Tagline: MMA: So easy a retarded church orphan could do it.
Jeremy Piven is on Entourage, which I try not to hold against him since he’s the only thing approaching good on that show. He also stars in The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard, which he recently promoted by appearing on WWE’s Monday Night Raw at the Mohegan Sun Casino. Accompanied by his sidekick Ken Jeong*, Piven announces the “lumberjack match” between John Cena and The MiZ, whom Piven keeps referring to as “Le Miz”. Haha, it’s funny because no one there gets it. And wait a second, isn’t The MiZ that guy from The Real World who everyone laughed at because he wanted to be a wrestler? They actually let him be a wrestler? Where have I been? Oh that’s right, not watching “raw” wrestling. Call me old fashioned, but when I hear “lumberjack match” I expect someone getting hit with an axe or f’d in the B. Or at least some flapjacks. Buttery, syrupy, muscular flapjacks, all laying on top of each other? Mm-mm, my stomach has a boner just thinking about them.
*additional trivia: who’s actually licensed to practice medicine)
