Ladies and gentlemen, bros and babes of all ages, welcome to the 2013 FilmDrunk Summer Movie Guide, your exclusive, ultimate and all-around life-changing directory to the summer’s biggest action-packed blockbusters, laugh-jammed piss-your-pants comedies, tear-jerking dramas and whatever crap that Adam Sandler made. Print this out and slap it up on your fridge with those magnet letters that spell out “penis” and don’t miss out on a single film experience between now and the end of September.

You may be asking, “Hey Burnsy, why now? Why not last week when GI Joe: Retaliation came out?” Because, a-hole, the summer movie season doesn’t ever begin until Michael-f*cking-Bay says it does, and with Pain and Gain hitting theaters – nay, theatres! – this Friday, Bay is telling us that it’s time to put on our adult diapers and prepare ourselves for the *explosion sound*.

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First up on This Week in Posters, Brad Pitt in World War Z. I think I heard the new tagline for this somewhere, but it must’ve been too long to fit on the poster:

It’s not a journey. Every journey ends, but we go on. The world turns, and we turn with it. Plans disappear. Dreams take over. But wherever I go, there you are. My luck, my fate, my fortune. Zombies. Inevitable.

I think that was how it was supposed to go.

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After being bumped from its original December 2012 release, the

I haven’t read the book, but from what I understand, it’s an oral history of a zombie apocalypse told after the fact. The movie is set during the zombie outbreak, with Brad Pitt trying to find out what caused the zombies to become zombies, while stuff explodes around him as graphs and helpful expository dudes tell us how many people have died and Brad Pitt runs and runs. It all feels very Nic Cage. Have you noticed that in movies, “racing against the clock” always involves a lot of actual racing? They should just hire the world’s foremost scientist, Usain Bolt.

Meanwhile, Brad Pitt’s daughter in this may win the son-in-Homeland Memorial Award for being a verbose rube. “Daddy, I’m scared!” Wait, you mean you’re scared of the horde of murderous zombies trying to beat down the door as we cower in this tiny panic room? Gee, what a fresh observation, honey! This changes everything! You’re just the one to lead us out of this mess, we’ll start by declaring you the Empress of Obvioustown.

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Come on, not cool, zombie bro.

The Super Bowl generally serves as the first launch pad of the New Year for Hollywood to show us what huge action films they have in store for us. And since the NFL’s biggest game is typically the year’s largest BROment, we can probably expect a lot of Iron Man 3 throughout the Super Bowl 47 broadcast this Sunday on CBS. However, we now also know that World War Z is getting in on the action, because Apple has released the film’s official Super Bowl teaser spot, and let me tell you…

It’s exactly the same as everything else we’ve seen, from the first trailer of this production mess to the first 8 minutes that someone described to us. Seriously, the Super Bowl spot doesn’t reveal anything else about the film at all, other than Brad Pitt and the family are in the car, a cop breaks their sideview mirror off, Pitt’s all like, “WTF, broseph?”, something explodes and then everybody freaks out because zombies are faster than Usain Bolt.

But at least they save the Constitution. Otherwise the Gates family will never find the zombie gold.

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“Quick, everyone to the Apple store!”

There’s really not much to say about the disaster in a disaster that is World War Z, the film adaptation of Max Brooks’ outstanding zombie novel that isn’t actually based on the book, that we haven’t already said before. The basic recap is that the film rights caused a bidding war between production companies owned by Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt, with the latter eventually securing the rights, and that was probably the only positive highlight of an otherwise doomed film production.

With World War Z reportedly way over budget and experiencing a litany of production problems, fans of the literary version have grown incredibly skeptical of the film’s prospects, and we’re all basically endlessly crying over this movie, despite the fact that we haven’t seen it. Thankfully, someone finally got his eyes on a clip of WWZ, specifically the first eight minutes, and it sounds like we basically have more to complain about now.

That someone is Badass Digest’s Devin Faraci, who was able to peep the exclusive footage at Harry Knowles’ birthday movie marathon. I’m just going to assume that my invitation was lost in the mail.

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