Ladies and gentlemen, bros and babes of all ages, welcome to the 2013 FilmDrunk Summer Movie Guide, your exclusive, ultimate and all-around life-changing directory to the summer’s biggest action-packed blockbusters, laugh-jammed piss-your-pants comedies, tear-jerking dramas and whatever crap that Adam Sandler made. Print this out and slap it up on your fridge with those magnet letters that spell out “penis” and don’t miss out on a single film experience between now and the end of September.
You may be asking, “Hey Burnsy, why now? Why not last week when GI Joe: Retaliation came out?” Because, a-hole, the summer movie season doesn’t ever begin until Michael-f*cking-Bay says it does, and with Pain and Gain hitting theaters – nay, theatres! – this Friday, Bay is telling us that it’s time to put on our adult diapers and prepare ourselves for the *explosion sound*.