"Kneel before Zod... seriously, kneel before we have to pay the fluffer for another hour."

Between Hustler, Vivid, New Sensations and Pauly’s Lusty Lowriders Productions, there’s not a porn company on the planet that isn’t capitalizing on the public’s literal and figurative boner for porn parodies over the past few years. The LA Times noticed this recently and visited the set of Vivid’s latest SuperXXXHeroes production, The Incredible Hulk XXX: A Porn Parody, starring Lee Stone and Dale DaBone, to discuss this fad, as well as Superman XXX, which will be released all over our faces and chests on Monday.

Vivid’s Batman XXX was recognized at this month’s AVN Awards with 7 awards, including Best Parody. But it was also praised for being the top-selling and most rented adult film of 2010, as millions of porn enthusiasts celebrated their favorite masked crime fighter by ruining their favorite socks. Additionally, Vince’s favorite actor Evan Stone played the Riddler and was named Male Performer of the Year.

So what sets the Vivid line apart from the others, director B. Skow?

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Question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: news schmews, it’s time to prognosticate! If you came here for answers, you’re in the wrong place, bub. Now, who wants to get stabbed in the dark?  Ouch, I’m bleeding! Yay!

According to über-sketchy media outlet WENN (whose stories are generally written and formatted like a penis-pill email), Megan Fox has vowed to never play a character as “lame” as Wonder Woman.

Director Joss Whedon is rumoured to be putting together a cast for an upcoming big screen outing for the superhero siren [Editor's Note: I've never heard this rumor, and I traffic in these sorts of things]. Fox is reportedly in the running to play the lead role, but the Transformer star is adamant she will not get involved with the comic book adaptation. She tells British magazine FHM, “She’s lame. She flies around in an invisible jet, but she’s not invisible. I don’t get it.” [IMDB via Fark]

Hello, does Star Trek ring a bell?  Romulan cloaking devices?  (*pushes glasses back up nose*) Anyway, there’s no trace of the quote or anything about Wonder Woman in FHM’s online edition, and WENN appears to be the only source for it. So this whole thing is probably bullsh*t.  And let’s face it, Megan Fox has been in two Transformers movies and dates this guy, – something tells me she isn’t the harshest judge of what is and isn’t lame.

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I’m breathless.  When I read this, my shoes shot across the room. And I still haven’t gotten my top hat back on my head.

I’m in Long Beach at the Speed Racer junket and I briefly cornered producer Joel Silver to ask him how the Justice League movie would affect Wonder Woman [Sub question: Who wins in a fight, Bugs Bunny or Inspector Gadget?  According to today's leading scientists, that's a burn. -Ed.]. The answer: it won’t. According to Silver, who would be in the know, Justice League has been ‘tabled.’

"Tabled", is of course fancy movie talk for "deep sixed", or "kicked to the curb and then thrown under the bus".  It’s strange, I never would’ve thought a movie about Batman, Superman, The Flash, a guy who talks to fishes and a dude who shoots boxing glove arrows would wind up not getting made.  I suppose the only word to describe my mood right now is "shock-founded." 

Hopefully this will be the last Justice League of America casting story I ever do.  Today /Film is reporting that Megan "She’s Blowin’ Up" Gale has been confirmed for Wonder Woman and Armie Hammer confirmed for Batman… by AICN and IESB… aw, crap.

Megan Gale is, of course, the lovely lady to your left – of whom I’d never heard before today, but am now a fan, since a simple Google Image Search for her name turns up numerous topless photos. Bottom line, she’s hot and slutty and I’d probably drink her bathwater, but I still wouldn’t see JLA if you paid me… in Megan Gale bathwater.  

Armie Hammer, someone else I’ve never heard of, will be playing the part of Batman. He’s supposedly 6’5", but he’s also named after Baking Soda so I’m pretty sure he’s a huge pussy. Actually, he’s named after his great grandfather, Armand Hammer. Why he’d choose to go by Armie rather than Army boggles the mind, but as far as the origin of the name: 

According to Carl Blumay, his biographer and former press agent, Hammer was named after the "Arm and Hammer" symbol of the Socialist Labor Party (SLP), in which his father, a committed socialist, had a leadership role at one time. [Wiki]

Awesome, maybe they should recast Superman as Hitler, put a swastika on his chest, and rename the movie Jew-Killing League of America Haters. Jerks. 

Remember last month how I told you about the rumor that Warner Bros’ president Jeff Rubinov had unofficially halted production on any movie with a female lead?  There were plenty of follow up articles where Rubinov denied it, but I didn’t waste my time with them because of course he would say that.  Anytime anyone says anything sexist or un-PC, like say, "Hey, have you ever noticed Asians are afraid of water?  Like every time it rains they freak out and start running everywhere, covering themselves with whatever’s nearby if they don’t have an umbrella.  Do they think they’re gonna melt or something?" – of course they’re gonna deny it.  That’s how business is done. Anyway, now it looks like a Wonder Woman movie isn’t in the cards.

“We’re kind of pausing on Wonder Woman now. Let them go ahead and do [Justice League] first,” Joel Silver said in a news conference while promoting Fred Claus. “And if that comes together, Wonder Woman will be a part of that story. And then we’ll see where we go from there. But we struggled with it for a while. I hope that we can solve it and make it one day.” [/Film]

Normally I wouldn’t read too much into this, but the dominant trend lately is to fall all over yourself to get anything that was a comic book made, even if it’s the Green F-ing Lantern.  So what, am I saying that because they’re waffling about Wonder Woman the no chick movies rumor is totally true?  Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.  Isn’t that a bit of a stretch?  Yeah, well I’m flexible like that.  And yet also rigid, if you catch my drift ladies.

See, business people aren’t smart enough to use things like common sense and logic.  Things that might say, "Hey, a movie about a busty, scantily clad superwoman would probably sell better than one about a guy with magic alien ring."  Instead they think shit like, "Hmm, Dan in Real Life did well, what other scripts do we have about guys named Dan?"