Fair warning, folks, I’m going to quote nearly an entire article written by Jim Belushi here. It may seem like unsolicited punishment for you the reader, but I simply wouldn’t be doing my job if I let this slip by without inspection. So, Jim Belushi wrote a column about relationships for the Chicago Sun-Times. This column depicts Jim Belushi not as man, but as cartoon-man, a caricature of “dumb husband” from an infomercial, the guy who shows up in a black and white flashback trying to put an entire pizza into the toaster, or who becomes angry and confused when he proves incapable of opening a milk carton. It is a women-be-shoppin’ joke come to life, delivered as a life-lesson without irony.

Yes, I am on my third marriage.

Maybe not the best way to start a relationship column, but perhaps the irony is intended. Proceed.

But I’ve learned a lot of things during those marriages to make this one work; I’ve learned lessons from mistakes. If you don’t, you’re an idiot. When I met my wife Jennifer, I couldn’t wait to exercise what I had learned. It started on the third date.

“I took a pull on my scotch, and when she sassed up, I reared back so as to smack her one, but then I thought, ‘Hold on, Belushi. Let’s do it different this time.’”

I was driving down Montana Avenue in Santa Monica…

Suddenly you understand why people are always talking about streets in SNL’s The Californians sketch.

…and Jenny was sitting in the passenger seat. Here comes the test, guys, for a successful marriage: She lifts her hand oh-so-gently, sticks her finger out, and points at the next street and says, “Why don’t you turn here? It’s shorter.” I stopped the car, pulled over to the side, took off my seat belt, did a full, dramatic turn and looked at her in the eye. I said, “I think you’re cool, but never, ever e ver tell me where to go in a car. Never point to a street, never tell me which way is shorter, never talk to me about directions while I am driving my car. Never make a sound like an ‘oof’ when there is a car coming near us. I am the master of my car. I am in charge of machinery. This is my Batmobile. Robin doesn’t tell Batman where to go. I will decide, right or wrong, which way we are going … But I still think you are cute. I like you.”

I have this theory about old action stars, that they star in so many movies playing the same type of character, they start to think they are that character and start seeing the world like it’s one of their movies. You see shades of this in Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood, and especially Chuck Norris. It seems the same has happened to Jim Belushi, where after too many episodes of According to Jim, his life has become one big shitty sitcom joke, where you just toss out a cliché and hold for laughter. “Look out, woman! Man watching game! No ask direction because tools!” (*Tim Allen grunt*)

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No women? I'm guessing they be shoppin.

There’s this game we like to play, where we take a movie we’re probably not going to see anyway (because it looks bad or it’s clearly not our demo or whatever), and try to experience it through others’ eyes, specifically, those of the embittered critics forced to paint us the picture. We don’t use their most scathing critiques or harsh analyses, no, because that would be too easy, and not as fun. Rather, we use the least analytical, most expository quotes we can find, just to soak up that faint air of passive-aggression. We already did one for the latest Zac Efron-starring Nicholas Sparks tale, but that ended up getting trounced at the box office by the schmaltzy infomercial for Steve Harvey’s new book, Think Like A Man. (Frankly I think Steve Harvey owes Kevin Hart a solid for that one).

Anyway, always wanted to know what Think Like a Man is about but were too apathetic to buy a ticket? READ ON!

The women in the movie, who all live in Los Angeles and have jobs that do not permit them to have money problems, treat Steve Harvey’s book like a bible. (Film.com)

There’s the Mama’s Boy (Terrence J) versus the Single Mom (Regina Hall); the Dreamer (Michael Ealy) versus the Woman Who Is Her Own Man (Taraji P. Henson),; and the Non-Committer (Jerry Ferrara) versus the Ring Girl (Gabrielle Union).
The film also pits the Player (Romany Malco) versus the 90-Day Girl (Meagan Good) — 90 days is how long she’s supposed to “keep the cookie in the cookie jar.” (NY Post)

…the too-easy woman has decided to start off all boyfriends with a probation period before they get their “benefits package.” (NewarkStar)

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As if the old “intertwining vignettes of rom-com clichés played by famous chicks” storyline wasn’t already enough of a testicle forcefield, What to Expect When You’re Expecting has released character posters of all the principles, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Elizabeth Banks, Brooklyn Decker, and Anna Kendrick… and they’re all pregnant. Five pregnant chicks. Revolting. MORE LIKE WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTORATING, AMIRITE? Not even Brooklyn Decker’s coquettish, “Oops, someone f*cked a baby into me, tee hee!” face could make this palatable. On the plus side, I emailed this to Burnsy and now our periods are synchronized. This ad campaign is the perfect gender-reverse of those Dr. Pepper 10 commercials.

“What to Expect When You’re Expecting: It’s not for men.”

Women be shoppin, y’all. Women be shoppin’.

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Because there’s nothing women need more than new and contradictive relationship advice, “King of Comedy” Steve Harvey wrote his own advice book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, which turned out much better than Bernie Mac’s book, Fine! You Win. The best-selling book, released in January 2009 and a favorite of Oprah Winfrey, has recently been optioned by Rainforest Films, with Harvey on board to produce, and Keith Merryman and David A. Newman on board to write.

According to Movie Web:

It is based on a relationship advice book, written in Harvey’s comedic voice, which has sold more than 1.4 million copies and is being printed in 26 different languages. The book sheds light on everything from why men are in the fixing business and not the talking business to why independent women should reconnect with their girlish side to make their men feel necessary.

I’m in the fixing business because Harvard had a great Bachelor’s program in Fixing. The Talking program required all these extra prerequisites, and my father’s talking company went belly up when the Internet bubble burst.

You can witness some of the author/comedian’s edgy and witty insight on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, but I don’t mind Steve Harvey. Well, other than his Original Kings of Comedy tour paving the way for the Blue Collar Diarrhea Fun Time and the Latin Kings of Please Stop Giving George Lopez Work.

Steve Harvey’s also going to be the new host of the Family Feud starting in September. His version will be packaged with People’s Court in a new morning time slot at 2 p.m.

Thanks to Spazmodic for the pretty lady photo.

- Burnsy

It seems the way to write a Hollywood rom-com these days is to collect your most insanely obvious and intuitive relationship observations and fashion a crude narrative out of them.  Like, “If you meet a guy and he seems uninterested at first but then says, ‘call me in six beers,’ and later you have sex with him but he never calls and then when you confront him about it he says he was weirded out by your oversized labia …he’s just not that into you.”  Such brilliant insight into the human condition abounds in this red-band clip from The Ugly Truth.

1. “Men are very visual.”
2. “Wear a bra that makes your boobs look good.”
3. “Wear a skirt short enough to see some thigh, but not so short we see vag.”
4. “Don’t whine about your problems.”
5. “Long hair is good.”

And all the while, Katherine Heigl has to pretend like this is all coming from a mutant with superhuman powers of perception who has shapeshifted into the form of her father in order to make her feel more comfortable.  I can’t wait until the next scene, when Gerard Butler and his mangled accent explain the trouble with dingleberries.

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