Fair warning, folks, I’m going to quote nearly an entire article written by Jim Belushi here. It may seem like unsolicited punishment for you the reader, but I simply wouldn’t be doing my job if I let this slip by without inspection. So, Jim Belushi wrote a column about relationships for the Chicago Sun-Times. This column depicts Jim Belushi not as man, but as cartoon-man, a caricature of “dumb husband” from an infomercial, the guy who shows up in a black and white flashback trying to put an entire pizza into the toaster, or who becomes angry and confused when he proves incapable of opening a milk carton. It is a women-be-shoppin’ joke come to life, delivered as a life-lesson without irony.
Yes, I am on my third marriage.
Maybe not the best way to start a relationship column, but perhaps the irony is intended. Proceed.
But I’ve learned a lot of things during those marriages to make this one work; I’ve learned lessons from mistakes. If you don’t, you’re an idiot. When I met my wife Jennifer, I couldn’t wait to exercise what I had learned. It started on the third date.
“I took a pull on my scotch, and when she sassed up, I reared back so as to smack her one, but then I thought, ‘Hold on, Belushi. Let’s do it different this time.’”
I was driving down Montana Avenue in Santa Monica…
Suddenly you understand why people are always talking about streets in SNL’s The Californians sketch.
…and Jenny was sitting in the passenger seat. Here comes the test, guys, for a successful marriage: She lifts her hand oh-so-gently, sticks her finger out, and points at the next street and says, “Why don’t you turn here? It’s shorter.” I stopped the car, pulled over to the side, took off my seat belt, did a full, dramatic turn and looked at her in the eye. I said, “I think you’re cool, but never, ever e ver tell me where to go in a car. Never point to a street, never tell me which way is shorter, never talk to me about directions while I am driving my car. Never make a sound like an ‘oof’ when there is a car coming near us. I am the master of my car. I am in charge of machinery. This is my Batmobile. Robin doesn’t tell Batman where to go. I will decide, right or wrong, which way we are going … But I still think you are cute. I like you.”
I have this theory about old action stars, that they star in so many movies playing the same type of character, they start to think they are that character and start seeing the world like it’s one of their movies. You see shades of this in Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood, and especially Chuck Norris. It seems the same has happened to Jim Belushi, where after too many episodes of According to Jim, his life has become one big shitty sitcom joke, where you just toss out a cliché and hold for laughter. “Look out, woman! Man watching game! No ask direction because tools!” (*Tim Allen grunt*)