I never read many comic books growing up because I was too busy being mediocre at sports and not getting laid, but one of the gripes about the X-Men movies I hear most often from comic book fans is that Wolverine, who was around 5’3″ in the comic books, is played by six-feet-tall Hugh Jackman. Normally I’d trade wedgies for information like this, but I have to admit, short guys don’t have many superheroes, so it sucks to take one away from them, and if he’s not supposed to be small, why the f*ck would you call him “wolverine?” Why not “T-Rex,” or “Sir Knifehands von Cuttington?” You call him Wolverine because wolverines are small.

In any case, when you think “small, buff, and angry,” you generally don’t think “Hugh Jackman.” What you might think is “Glenn Danzig.” The world’s most satanic onion soup-loving neighbor hater recently weighed in on the subject in an interview with LA Weekly on the eve of his Danzig Legacy Tour, in which he’ll be performing Misfits and Samhain songs with Doyle (you better believe I’ve got my ticket). He sees one major difference between Hugh Jackman’s portrayal and the way Glenn would’ve done it:

Early in the film’s pre-production, you were in talks to play Wolverine in X-Men. How would you have played Logan/Wolverine differently than Hugh Jackman?
It wouldn’t have been as gay. Actually, he wasn’t the first choice. They hired Dougray Scott. He had a falling out with the director, and then they hired Hugh Jackman. I’m glad I didn’t do it. It was terrible.

Mmm, that’s delicious Danzig. Sullen, dismissive, slightly angry to be there. “I’m just sayin’, I think there’s a one hell for demons, and sinners, and regular people, and a separate one for gay people.” “Mr. Danzig, you’re scaring me.”

Another beautiful Danzig quote, after the jump:

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Variety recently confirmed an earlier CHUD story that Zombieland writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick will write the script for Fox’s Deadpool movie, with Ryan Reynolds reprising his role from Wolverine.

Reynolds has been bulking up to play the DC Comics’ hero “Green Lantern,” which starts lensing next month. This means he would already be in superhero shape if the script for “Deadpool” is ready by summer.
The tone of “Deadpool,” which features an antihero as opposed to the more traditional heroic comic book protagonist, is very similar in tone to “Zombieland.” [Variety]

This sounds okay.  I liked pretty much everything about Zombieland except the idea to make it in the first place.  It’s just too bad Fox is overseeing this.  No matter what they write, Fox’ll probably force them to squeeze Kevin James or someone in there as the wacky sidekick — the subplot is that his pants keep falling down!  Which really complicates the mission to save Sandra Bullock’s Blackberry from an eagle. *Scratches record, kicks Robin Williams in the nuts*

The American Medical Association Alliance is a lobbying group made up of physicians’ spouses that does helpful things like raising money for cancer research and treating the disabled.  Ha, just kidding, they’re trying to ban depictions of smoking in movies.

“Research has shown that one-third to one-half of all young smokers in the United States can be attributed to smoking these youth see in movies,” said Dr. Jonathan Fielding, head of the Los Angeles County Public Health Department.  Fielding cited another study that he said “found that adolescents whose favorite movie stars smoked on screen are significantly more likely to be smokers themselves and to have a more accepting attitude toward smoking.”

My own research has shown that fans of Fast and Furious are 85% more like to have a favorable attitude towards cars.  Therefore, if we ban Fast and Furious, we can rid the world of almost all cars.

American Medical Association Alliance President Sandi Frost used as her chief example of a movie with “gratuitous smoking” this month’s blockbuster “X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” which was rated PG-13.  “Millions of children have been exposed to the main star of the film, Hugh Jackman, with a cigar in his mouth in various scenes,” Frost said. “I’m willing to bet that not one child would have enjoyed that movie or Mr. Jackman’s performance any less if he hadn’t been smoking.”

“I know this movie is about Indians, but do they really need to carry tomahawks?  Those can be dangerous. It wouldn’t hurt the movie at all if they were playing badminton instead.”  Oh well, at least no one’s dumb enough to pay attention to these idiots, right???

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Night at the Museum 2 mopped the floor with Terminator Salvation, grossing $70 million to Terminator’s $53.8 over the course of the extended weekend. Salvation‘s attendance was actually lower than the last two Terminators, and its numbers were down from Friday to Saturday, “a rarity that could signal disappointing word of mouth.”  Such a shame, it just doesn’t seem fair that the quality of the product should affect its revenue.

Elsewhere, Star Trek overtook Wolverine in domestic revenue, just like I said it would ($191 million to $165.4, respectively), while Angels & Demons made decent money but was down from Da Vinci Code, earning $87.8 million in the time it took Da Vinci to earn $144.9.

And finally, inexplicably, Dance Flick earned $13.1 million.  I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but writing, shooting, and editing couldn’t have taken longer than an afternoon.  And I’m sure you think I’m exaggerating, but keep in mind, Keenan Wayans literally let his nephew direct. (top 10 after the jump)

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(Hanks visits the place where they burned his old forehead)

As expected, Angels & Demons won the box office over the weekend, though its $48 million take was slightly below studio expectations, and well below the $77.1 million debut of The Da Vinci Code.  All in all it did okay, was mediocre not great, and will probably be forgotten by next weekend.  It’s basically the Olive Garden of movie franchises. Elsewhere, Star Trek was only down 46% off its opening weekend – a small drop, especially when you consider Wolverine was down 68% in its second weekend.  Trek‘s total take now stands at $147.6 million to Wolverine‘s $151.1 (and closing fast, I imagine).

The weekend boasted only two other high profile pics, both in limited release. Jennifer Aniston’s “Management” got a pink slip from moviegoers, grossing just $378,420 from 212 screens for a measly per-screen average of $1,785. Meanwhile, the caper comedy “The Brothers Bloom” was a bright spot on the specialty side, ringing up $82,000 from four theaters for a $20,500 per-theater haul. [CNN]

Now all that’s left to figure out is who the hell keeps seeing Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.

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