Is there going to be a superhero movie where the hero DOESN’T start out all beardy and disheveled at the beginning of the trailer? If so, it won’t be Wolverine in The Wolverine, who’s already kind of beardy and disheveled to begin with, but still manages to start this new trailer EVEN MORE BEARDY AND DISHEVELEDER. GET A JOB, WOLVERINE! THE BUMS LOST!

“Go away, I have at least 15 more minutes of pretending not to be interested in fighting.”

You wonder if they do that in superhero movies hoping that it’ll somehow even out when the guy has to run around in tights later. But not Wolverine, he doesn’t do gay stuff like spandex tights. He wears leather and rides a motorcycle and chomps a big penis-shaped cigar because he’s super tough. GRRR, FOOTBALL!

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The other day when I posted the Fergie song on the Great Gatsby soundtrack, I couldn’t shake the feeling that The Great Gatsby would be the non tongue-in-cheek Spring Breakers. This latest batch of posters only seemed to confirm my suspicions, thus I added captions. I think the Spring Breakers captions work so well that I didn’t even need to alter them. Memes, mash-ups, the internet, etc. It’s important work we’re doing here.

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This week, I was planning to lead with Guy Pearce’s new Iron Man 3 poster, where he’s dramatically pulling off his sunglasses like David Caruso in CSI Miami. I like to lead with a movie people have heard of so they’ll click through, and that seemed like the obvious choice. But then I saw White T here, and it simply could not be denied. Just look at this goddamned masterpiece. Do I know what it’s about? Not really. But I know it’s got Weensie from Old School and his similarly portly brother dressed in matching, sockless plaid shants ensembles fighting over a t-shirt with the tagline “Big Dreams…Big Seams.” What does this white t represent? Why would they be fighting over the same white t when they’re both already wearing identical white tees? Is it a battle over who gets a change of clothes? A metaphorical struggle for identity? I can’t say. Point being, this poster is practically bloated with ambiguity, which doesn’t soften my desire to see it one bit. This, my friend, is how you sell the sizzle, not the steak.

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What with The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises and all the good superhero movies we’ve had lately, Wolverine has sort of gotten lost in the anticipation shuffle (there’s also the matter of the last X-Men movie being a prequel that took place without him). But as you can see from these set pictures from New South Wales (Australia), there’s still a Wolverine movie being directed by James Mangold (3:10 to Yuma) set for July 2013 (the sequel to X-Men Origins: Wolverine), whether anyone wants one or not.

In the film, Logan begins a forbidden romance with a Japanese woman whose hand in marriage is, unfortunately, promised to another man. Since Logan won’t take “no” for an answer, it puts him into battle with her father and her samurai-sword-wielding brothers and Silver Samurai. [SuperheroHype]

And at some point, apparently, Wolverine grows a big beard and moves to a logging town to get a blue collar job and avoid his superhero responsibilities. …Really, screenwriters? We’re doing this one again? The thing where the protagonist’s selfish refusal to accept responsibility is represented by his facial hair? Even The Dark Knight Rises had that. Man of Steel has it, and that’s not even out yet (I think he’s a fisherman in that). At this point, it’d be easier to count the superhero movies that don’t have that scene. Screenwriters desperately need to find another visual shorthand for “protagonist accepts his responsibility” that doesn’t involve cutting his hair and shaving his mountain-man beard. You guys have any ideas? I was thinking something involving a foam cowboy hat, but I haven’t really fleshed out the details.

[pictures from WENN via SuperheroHype]

I never read many comic books growing up because I was too busy being mediocre at sports and not getting laid, but one of the gripes about the X-Men movies I hear most often from comic book fans is that Wolverine, who was around 5’3″ in the comic books, is played by six-feet-tall Hugh Jackman. Normally I’d trade wedgies for information like this, but I have to admit, short guys don’t have many superheroes, so it sucks to take one away from them, and if he’s not supposed to be small, why the f*ck would you call him “wolverine?” Why not “T-Rex,” or “Sir Knifehands von Cuttington?” You call him Wolverine because wolverines are small.

In any case, when you think “small, buff, and angry,” you generally don’t think “Hugh Jackman.” What you might think is “Glenn Danzig.” The world’s most satanic onion soup-loving neighbor hater recently weighed in on the subject in an interview with LA Weekly on the eve of his Danzig Legacy Tour, in which he’ll be performing Misfits and Samhain songs with Doyle (you better believe I’ve got my ticket). He sees one major difference between Hugh Jackman’s portrayal and the way Glenn would’ve done it:

Early in the film’s pre-production, you were in talks to play Wolverine in X-Men. How would you have played Logan/Wolverine differently than Hugh Jackman?
It wouldn’t have been as gay. Actually, he wasn’t the first choice. They hired Dougray Scott. He had a falling out with the director, and then they hired Hugh Jackman. I’m glad I didn’t do it. It was terrible.

Mmm, that’s delicious Danzig. Sullen, dismissive, slightly angry to be there. “I’m just sayin’, I think there’s a one hell for demons, and sinners, and regular people, and a separate one for gay people.” “Mr. Danzig, you’re scaring me.”

Another beautiful Danzig quote, after the jump:

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