Satan Willem Dafoe should have countered with, “I’ll suck your d*ck.” [via Viral Viral]

MORNING LINKS
Pulp Fiction almost starred Daniel Day-Lewis as Vincent Vega |Film Drunk|

Sometimes dogs need to be rebooted.
[via Awesomephilia]

The Woman Who Eats Cat Fur And 7 More Awesome Internet Finds From UPROXX Readers |Warming Glow|

The Internet’s 15 Best Tributes To Christian Bale |UPROXX|

For Absolutely No Reason, The Tim Duncan Outlet Pass Slow Jamz Mixtape |With Leather|

Here’s Amy Adams As Lois Lane |Gamma Squad|

Watch LL Cool J Performing Live In 1985 For A Group Of Kids |Smoking Section|

Dennis Pitta Is Not Elite-Level Ticklish |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Animals that don’t suck |theChive|

Ranking Liz Lemon’s “30 Rock” Boyfriends |Buzzfeed|

The History of Wooing Men With Music |Clip Nation|

6 Rock ‘n Roll Urban Legends—Debunked! |Mental Floss|

7 Greatest Card Sharks In Movie History |Screen Junkies|

Movie plotholes that will destroy your childhood |Fark|

Our Legally Required Jason London Poop Blog Post, Your Honor |Videogum|

2013 Oscar Predictions: Place Your Bets, Junkies |NextMovie|

The 7 Stages of Reddit Addiction |College Humor|

Megan Fox Is Probably Going To Quit Acting |IDLYITW|

Batman Fighting a Shark: Snow Edition |Unreality|

R Kelly As He Was Meant To Be |Holy Taco|

7 Once Beloved TV Characters We’ve Come To Despise |Pajiba|

Alec Baldwin’s Drunken Grizzly Bear Seed Is Strong |The Superficial|

Lake Street Dive – I Want You Back (Jackson 5 Cover) |High Definite|

Bro’s Incredible Cover of R. Kelly’s ‘Ignition’ Is Hot and Fresh Out the Kitchen |Brobible|

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I’m posting this here because I assume only Frotcast listeners will enjoy it, but I enjoyed it quite a bit. It’s a little montage Jeremy H created, featuring Willem Dafoe’s characters reimagined as Brendan’s bizarrely-specific impression of Willem Dafoe.

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Listen on the player above, or download this week’s episode as an mp3 here (right-click, “save as.”)

FROTCAST 85: Matt Ufford stops by to talk dog shows, Ferris Bueller, and donkey jizz.

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You can see the full version of this new Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie poster on the next page, but I think it’s pretty clear that this one’s my favorite of the week. Absurdist graphic art is kind of Tim & Eric’s “thing.” I mean if they couldn’t do a sweet poster, they’d have no hope of a two-hour movie. Anyway, I like to imagine the stuffed wolf they’re riding is one of the wolves that Liam Neeson punched to death in The Grey. “Yarr, the only think you’ll be eatin’ is sawdust at the taxidermist, ya mangy fooker.” (*straps broken bottles to knuckles*)

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"Come... at me, bro."

Following up on yesterday’s sneak preview from the Today show, Disney has released the full trailer for John Carter. I can’t deny that it looks cool, but it kind of just makes me feel sad and jaded. There’s a ton of talent behind the camera, and I’m sure ten years ago the sheer spectacle would’ve melted our faces off, but now it just sort of looks like every other movie that came out this summer. Mix aliens from Green Lantern with plots of Avatar and Cowboys and Aliens, and voila, you’ve got this. The biggest selling point was going to be Willem Dafoe in a ridiculous outfit, but apparently he just voices the alien in the banner image. God, life sucks. You really ruined my morning, John Carter.

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[Listen on the player above, or download this week's episode here (right-click, "save as.")]

You guys, a week ago I made a firm commitment to drinking more Irish coffees while we record the Frotcast, and I think it’s really starting to pay dividends. Entertainment dividends!

I’d love to tell you that we spent the entire ‘cast talking about Shame and Michael F. Assbender’s big floppy Brit wang, but sadly, some other content did manage to creep in.

• We talked with FilmDrunk’s own Pauly Dangerously about Tweeting his way to a possible opening gig at Caroline’s tomorrow.

• Brendan discovers some disturbingly awesome facts about Thomas Kinkade, the Painter of Light

• Laremy Legel from Film.com comes on to discuss, yes, Michael Fassbender’s big ol’ elephant dong, AND AS A SPECIAL BONUS, he tells us about getting his anal fistula lanced in excruciating detail. Oh what a time to be alive.

• There was a lot of Fake Bret this time. I sincerely do apologize for that.

Thanks to Roy for the Willem Dafoe pictures, which probably won’t make sense to anyone who didn’t hear the last Frotcast, but to those who did, trust us, they’re high-larious.

EMAIL US your relationship questions/humblebrags/poop stories at Frotcast@gmail.com. LEAVE US A VOICEMAIL at (415) 275-0030, and especially, SUBSCRIBE TO THIS MOTHER BITCH ON ITUNES. Seriously, I don’t even care if you listen. I just want my mom to think I’m important.

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