I’m posting this here because I assume only Frotcast listeners will enjoy it, but I enjoyed it quite a bit. It’s a little montage Jeremy H created, featuring Willem Dafoe’s characters reimagined as Brendan’s bizarrely-specific impression of Willem Dafoe.

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Listen on the player above, or download this week’s episode as an mp3 here (right-click, “save as.”)

FROTCAST 85: Matt Ufford stops by to talk dog shows, Ferris Bueller, and donkey jizz.

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You can see the full version of this new Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie poster on the next page, but I think it’s pretty clear that this one’s my favorite of the week. Absurdist graphic art is kind of Tim & Eric’s “thing.” I mean if they couldn’t do a sweet poster, they’d have no hope of a two-hour movie. Anyway, I like to imagine the stuffed wolf they’re riding is one of the wolves that Liam Neeson punched to death in The Grey. “Yarr, the only think you’ll be eatin’ is sawdust at the taxidermist, ya mangy fooker.” (*straps broken bottles to knuckles*)

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"Come... at me, bro."

Following up on yesterday’s sneak preview from the Today show, Disney has released the full trailer for John Carter. I can’t deny that it looks cool, but it kind of just makes me feel sad and jaded. There’s a ton of talent behind the camera, and I’m sure ten years ago the sheer spectacle would’ve melted our faces off, but now it just sort of looks like every other movie that came out this summer. Mix aliens from Green Lantern with plots of Avatar and Cowboys and Aliens, and voila, you’ve got this. The biggest selling point was going to be Willem Dafoe in a ridiculous outfit, but apparently he just voices the alien in the banner image. God, life sucks. You really ruined my morning, John Carter.

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[Listen on the player above, or download this week's episode here (right-click, "save as.")]

You guys, a week ago I made a firm commitment to drinking more Irish coffees while we record the Frotcast, and I think it’s really starting to pay dividends. Entertainment dividends!

I’d love to tell you that we spent the entire ‘cast talking about Shame and Michael F. Assbender’s big floppy Brit wang, but sadly, some other content did manage to creep in.

• We talked with FilmDrunk’s own Pauly Dangerously about Tweeting his way to a possible opening gig at Caroline’s tomorrow.

• Brendan discovers some disturbingly awesome facts about Thomas Kinkade, the Painter of Light

• Laremy Legel from Film.com comes on to discuss, yes, Michael Fassbender’s big ol’ elephant dong, AND AS A SPECIAL BONUS, he tells us about getting his anal fistula lanced in excruciating detail. Oh what a time to be alive.

• There was a lot of Fake Bret this time. I sincerely do apologize for that.

Thanks to Roy for the Willem Dafoe pictures, which probably won’t make sense to anyone who didn’t hear the last Frotcast, but to those who did, trust us, they’re high-larious.

EMAIL US your relationship questions/humblebrags/poop stories at Frotcast@gmail.com. LEAVE US A VOICEMAIL at (415) 275-0030, and especially, SUBSCRIBE TO THIS MOTHER BITCH ON ITUNES. Seriously, I don’t even care if you listen. I just want my mom to think I’m important.

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Julia Roberts actually shot Dennis Lee’s Fireflies in the Garden back in 2007, around the same time as Charlie Wilson’s War, but after playing a few film festivals and opening in various territories overseas in 2008, it sat on the shelf until earlier this week, when an unnamed distributor decided to give it a US release in October. It’s one of Julia Roberts’ more complicated schemes to appear more youthful.

To an outsider, the Taylors are the very picture of the successful American family: Charles (Willem Dafoe) is a tenured professor on track to become university president, son Michael (Ryan Reynolds) is a prolific and well-known romance novelist, daughter Ryne (Shannon Lucio) is poised to enter a prestigious law school, and on the day we are introduced to them, matriarch Lisa (Julia Roberts) will graduate from college-decades after leaving to raise her children. But when a serious accident interrupts the celebration, the far more nuanced reality of this Midwestern family’s history and relationships come to light.
The film also stars Emily Watson, Carrie-Anne Moss, Hayden Panettiere and Shannon Lucio. |via LiveforFilms|

Julia Roberts smiles, Ryan Reynolds gets beardy, and Emily Watson still looks like a sad bird. Luckily, I could watch Willem Dafoe yell at little kids all day. Hey, it’s too bad the distributor never ‘lost’ Eat Pray Love, am I right? And is it just me, or does Fireflies in the Garden sound like a euphemism for venereal disease? If I wanted Fireflies in the Garden, I’d take a dip in Bob Evans’ jacuzzi. And how come they never name hurricanes after sistas? Thanks, folks, tip your servers. Hey, what’s up with airline food? (*bass run, farts ‘Yankee Doodle’*)