Say what you will about M. Night Shalamidong, if you’ve seen any of his films since Lady in the Water, you know that he’s really committed to this whole becoming-the-worst-director-in-the-universe thing. It’s actually kind of impressive. Movies as bad as Lady in the Water and The Last Airbender usually only come along once in a generation. Of course, none of this applies if you have a “European sensibility,” in which case he’s great. (*inhales fart, spreads own poop on baguette*).

His next project stars Jaden Smith, because at this point, why not, and it’s called After Earth. It’s a sci-fi film that tells of a dystopian future where all the actors have died off and all that’s left are the obnoxious wiener kids of megalomaniacal celebrities using them as living extensions of their “brand.” The big twist at the end is herp-a-derpaly hee haw (*fart noise*)

Incidentally, the picture came from Jaden Smith’s WhoSay account, accompanied by the caption “#afterearthswag.” Now, I know Chet Haze would probably disagree with me on this, but I’m of the opinion that kids born into millions of dollars shouldn’t use the word “swag.” Having self-confidence isn’t much of an achievement when you’ve inherited an army of people whose job it is to kiss your ass. What you’re thinking of is “brag.”

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At some point last week, Men’s Health magazine announced that its readers had voted Jennifer Aniston the “Sexiest Woman of All-Time,” and me and my Mila Kunis sock dolls were like, “WHAAAAAA?” But while that selection has left a lot of us pervs scratching our heads – I mean, have you seen Susan B. Anthony’s tits? – Men’s Health just gained a powerful ally in the world’s love affair with the queen of underachieving romantic comedies – Tim Tebow.

The quarterback of the Denver Broncos recently chatted with Steve Serby of the New York Post, and he opened up as Tebow the person, as opposed to Tebow the athlete. Among the things he pointed out: Jesus is his Lord and Savior, cracking his knuckles is his worst habit, and he responds to trash talk by saying, “Jesus loves you.” As for his entertainment and food choices:

Q: Favorite movie?
A: Braveheart.
Q: Favorite actor?
A: Will Smith.
Q: Favorite actress?
A: Jennifer Aniston.
Q: Favorite entertainer?
A: Rascal Flatts.
Q: Favorite meal?
A: Mom’s homemade tacos.

The Will Smith thing doesn’t surprise me at all, with the wholesome family image (despite a zillion divorce rumors) and I can see the Braveheart thing because it’s an awesome movie and athletes love the inspirational battle scenes. I just figured Passion of the Christ might have knocked Mel Gibson’s work down a few pegs.

The Aniston thing surprises me, though. I assumed he would have gone younger, more innocent. Perhaps Reese Witherspoon or Mandy Moore. But don’t be surprised now if Aniston starts showing up at Broncos games trying to find herself a new boyfriend. “What’s that, Brad? You adopted another baby? Well I’m dating a Pro Bowl quarterback,” or something batsh*t crazy like that.

Us too, Will.

At long last, it’s the trailer for the movie you’ve all been waiting for– oops, hold on, looks like I read this wrong, it’s actually the trailer for Men in Black 3. Sorry about that, my mistake. Anyway, after a series of delays, the film once set to open Memorial Day 2011 is now set for the same date in 2012 (probably couldn’t get Will Smith’s trailer ready in time). It comes from director Barry Sonnenfeld, whose only film since Men in Black 2 was the Robin Williams classic RV, and four credited screenwriters, including two who worked on Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Yay, they get to keep working! And people complain about illegal aliens. Anyway, given its pedigree, it doesn’t look half bad!

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Will Smith and his obnoxiously over-accessorized family have been turning their nauseating, Christmas newsletter anecdotes into nauseating puff pieces for years now, helping make Smith one of the most sought-after (and barfed after) movie stars in the country. So it really would’ve been shocking to hear that they’d broken up like inTouch reported this morning. Or at least, bad for business. But fear not, they’re still together. Hooray, I only hope they turn this into a revenue stream somehow!

In a joint statement from Will and Jada, they tell Entertainment Tonight, “Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumors circulating about our relationship are completely false. We are still together, and our marriage is intact.”
A sentiment their son Jaden shares, as he Tweeted, “#ItsAllLies.” [ET]

Great! I hope this means all future movie remakes starring his dumb wiener kids are still on! Christ, can’t you people just buy horses and leave us alone like the other rich assh*les? The Smith family is like the family whose kids’ names all start with the same letter, meets the family with stick figure decals on the back of the mini-van, meets the family where the parents are a little too involved with the kids’ sports, meets the family with the humble-braggy holiday newsletter they send out every year. Only in their case, their stupid newsletter goes out to the WHOLE WORLD and the sports team the dad is too involved with is called “The Jadens” and his kid’s face is on everyone’s jersey, which is sponsored by Nike. God they suck.

[picture from ArchitecturalDigest via SmokingSection]

If you haven’t yet, make sure you check out XanSpencer.com, probably the finest actor website since Bruce Greenwood (see also: Corbin Bernsen’s IMDB bio). Besides his acting reel, which is hilarious (as amateur acting reels almost always are), probably the most notable thing about Spencer’s website is the way a miniature version of Spencer guides you around it himself, like a vaguely-effeminate version of the Microsoft Paperclip (“It looks like you’re casting an actor!”). But hey, it’s creative, the guy’s looking for a job,  and he’s likable enough. Give him a break, lots of people have douchier “testimonial quotes” on their sites. Jeff Wells, for instance, and he’s not even looking for a job, just trying to sound important.

Xan (pronounced “Zan”, apparently) writes that the site took 2 years and 1,847 hours to create, and I believe him. But what really puts it over the top for me isn’t the awesome cat shooting skills in his reel or the mini Xan guiding me around the site. It’s how much the dude LOVES WILL SMITH. I mean, he reeeally loves Will Smith. If loving Will Smith was dead hookers, Xan Spencer would be my crawl space. Get jiggy with this excerpt from his “Why I’m an actor” section:

There are other roles that I really aspire to be; doctor, honest lawyer, cop, FBI, military, super hero, real life hero, business man, overcoming adversity, sports player, entrepreneur etc. etc. There are literally 1000s of roles each year that would fit the description of these type characters, and help me fulfill my life goal.
Some may think that’s limiting myself as an actor, but I see it as the complete opposite. I see it as specializing and/or niching myself as an actor. People will come to love and appreciate what I bring on and off the screen, a special “unexplainable” element/quality that they may not be able to specifically point out, but something that my characters and myself offer that really grabs and sucks them in… I call it the Will Smith, Channing Tatum, Vin Diesel, Justin Bieber quality.

You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen all those names in the same sentence before. Now that I have, it makes complete sense. (The emphasis there was his, by the way). Which brings us to his “favorite quotes” section.

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