Yes, Virginia, It Is A Movie!

As a person who sometimes watches and reviews films for a living, I have this fear. See, the world of film criticism is littered with writers who once seemed not only sane, but competent – insightful, even – who eventually deteriorated into passionless husks, regurgitating the same, semi-meaningless canned phrases and writing things like “fans of the series will find much to love here!” Peter Travers comes to mind. Roger Ebert remains an enjoyable writer, but his tastes have become bizarre and confusing. And this is the norm, not the exception. My working theory on why this happens is, that by constantly bombarding their senses with films they have no interest in seeing, over the course of a career spanning decades, the aging film critic’s brain eventually becomes tenderized into this rom-com softened Sandler mush, no longer able to discern mild innocuousness from excitement, because genuine excitement is such a distant memory that they’re forced to grade a film by how it might feel to the person they think they used to be. Roughly 85 percent of movies, like roughly 85 percent of almost all things, are crap. When you stop pre-sifting out that which is obvious crap, and start seeing everything, just because, it constitutes an unnatural act. An act I suspect that, over time, is like performing your own slow-drip lobotomy. It’s an ugly business, for ugly people.

Ignoring my own rules and looking danger square in the face, I saw Men in Black 3, a film which is obvious crap. And? It wasn’t… that…. bad! Now I’m forced to wonder: have they finally broken me?? Will “joy” soon become the pinging sound my gesturing stick makes against my bedpan as I signal the orderlies for another shovelful of face gruel? WHAT’S HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEEE….

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Here we have a mash-up of Will Smith’s greatest zingers, courtesy of Film.com. See if you can guess which one’s first. Go ahead, just guess. Which reminds me, I did a comedy show for some college kids not too long ago, in which I referenced Will Smith’s famous “Welcome ta Earth!” line, and all the kids just stared at me blankly. At which point I realized they were probably three when that movie came out. Stupid kids today, not getting my old Independence Day references. Heck, they probably couldn’t even sing you the Fresh Prince theme song! What’s the matter with our education system today?? I blame Obama.

Anyway, watching this, I realize that Will Smith is basically the focus-grouped Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s younger, he’s urban, but not too urban, he has attitude, but he’s not really edgy or threatening, and he appears to have personality, though without any of the scary “opinions” about anything. He’s a capitalist’s dream, a movie star as engineered in a lab by studio execs.

"No more Mr. Knife Guy." Yep, that happened.

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Kicking off this week’s This Week in Posters and Stills, here’s the latest poster for Skyfall, the 23rd James Bond film, directed by Sam Mendes, starring Daniel Craig and Javier Bardem, opening November 9th. If you weren’t already thrilled for this latest Bond movie… I doubt this poster is going to change your mind.

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I guess it should come as no surprise that the guy who had two kids, naming one after himself and one after his wife (Jada, Jaden; Will, Willow), and shoving them into each of his two professions (Willow, Music; Jaden, Acting), would give crappy, self-serving presents. It makes perfect sense. I guess the big question is how Roger Federer is going to explain that framed Men in Black suit showing up on eBay in a few days.

Smith is in Europe doing press for his new film, “Men in Black 3,” and watched Sunday’s [Masters] final [in Madrid, which Federer won] with his wife, Jada. After the match, Smith spoke to the crowd in surprisingly good Spanish, then brought out a framed costume from the movie as a gift to Federer. [Yahoo]

Not even speaking passable Spanish can erase Will Smith the inherent douchiness of gifting someone a giant monument to himself. Congratulations! Here’s a celebration of my milestones! Didn’t I tell you the Smith family are the kind of people who would have decals of all the family members on the back of the minivan, and every Christmas send out a breathless, 1,000-word newsletter on how awesome everyone’s doing? You know they are. It’s like Will Smith won a giant stuffed panda bear playing Shoot the Freak at the county fair and now Roger Federer has to carry it around all day, pretending he gives a shit.

"Please, Mr. Smith! Don't shoot! I'll put your dumb wiener kids in the movie!"

When a sequel earns less than its predecessor, it’s usually a good indicator of waning public interest in the product. Such was the case with 2002′s Men in Black 2, which grossed $150 million less than the 1997 original. But it still earned $441 million worldwide, and Sony’s hoping that, 10 years after the fact, Men in Black 3 earns at least that much, because, according to the LA Times, it cost $375 million to make and market. Hoo boy, that’s expensive. And I’m told only half that went towards Will Smith’s gigantic trailer.

By the time it was over, the studio had run up a tab of nearly $250 million — making “Men in Black 3″ one of the most expensive releases of the summer.

It was a family trip to Southeast Asia about three years ago that convinced [producer Walter] Parkes that “Men In Black” still resonated around the world when he spotted locals watching the original movie on TV in an airport. Smith, meanwhile, had a long-gestating concept for a new movie involving time travel. Eager to revive the franchise, Sony executives hired screenwriter Etan Cohen, hot off the success of the action-comedy “Tropic Thunder,” to write the script.

“And then my character travels back in time for some reason?” That was the idea? Wasn’t that a Simpsons episode? I’m not saying it’s not a great premise, I just want to know what they did with the killer robot driving instructor and the talking pie.

With Smith and the other talent lined up and a sizable New York City tax credit that was available only before the new year, Sony rushed the movie into production in fall 2010 despite not having hammered out all the plot elements.

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