For those of you who thought the 2010 film The Tooth Fairy, starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, was a little too Mr. Nanny and not enough Delta Farce, you’re in luck. Because on March 6, Tooth Fairy 2 is going to sock you in the jaw with hilarity, as Larry the Cable Guy will don the wings of the second greatest lie our parents ever told us. At least I assume that you were all told that Wilt Chamberlain was your real father, too.

The long-awaited sequel stars Larry the Cable Guy and… *stares blankly at full cast list on IMDB* some other people in the story of a – stop me if you’ve heard this before – hapless, immature redneck who tells a poor child that the Tooth Fairy doesn’t exist, and is punished by becoming the new Tooth Fairy. Perhaps the trailer’s tag line explains it best:

He didn’t ask for it… He wasn’t expecting it… And he’s not prepared for it.

So true. So incredibly true.

While I could use hundreds and probably thousands of words to break off into a rant that explains how the existence of this film – even while only as a straight to DVD production – depresses me beyond the point of sanity, I believe that this young child’s face sums up my reaction better than my words ever could…

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Poor Burnsy. I was having him cover for me today while I went to some screenings and took care of a few things. I already made him write about Happy Madison once today and it almost killed him, and that was just in reference to a possible Grown Ups sequel. Making him cover this was out of the question. In any case, yes, Adam Sandler has signed on to co-write and star in the movie adaptation of Candyland (which we first heard about three years ago). Yes, Candyland the board game. We have reached the suck singularity.

Columbia Pictures, Happy Madison and Hasbro, Inc. are in final talks to develop Candy Land, a live action movie based on the bestselling Hasbro board game with Adam Sandler attached to star. Kevin Lima (Enchanted) is attached to direct the project for the studio with Sandler and Robert Smigel are in talks to write the screenplay.

Candyland is basically ‘Sorry’ with candy painted on the board, and adding Sandler to that mix doesn’t do much to alter my conception of what a movie adaptation might look like. Basically, the game pieces all shout-talk in a weird baby voice now.

Created in 1949, Candy Land takes players on a magical journey through fantastical lands made of candy, sweets, and ice cream: the Peppermint Forest, the Gum Drop Mountains, and the Lollypop Woods. Along the way, players encounter such iconic characters as Princess Frostine, Lord Licorice, Mr. Mint, and King Candy.

Mmm, yes, iconic indeed. Iconic in the way that no one remembers them. Meanwhile, Robert Smigel you might recognize as the man behind SNL’s TV Funhouse and the voice of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. But he also co-wrote You Don’t Mess With the Zohan in addition to this. My working theory is that one of the Happy Madison guys kidnapped his children. Peter Dante, probably, he looks swarthy.

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"Neither of us will have jobs in 10 years!"

In case you missed it, I recently wrote a feature about Hollywood’s love affair with using the Cold War as a backdrop in films, and one of the movies that I highlighted was Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, the seventh and final Police Academy film, released in 1994. Of that movie, I joked:

I’m really shocked, actually, that Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg haven’t been put in charge of re-launching this turd farm that sank when Steve Guttenberg flew away in a hot air balloon.

And just like my prediction about a “Where’s Waldo?” movie, I’m now learning the hard way that I need to stop joking.

New Line Cinema has set Scott Zabielski to direct Police Academy, its remake of the long-running film series that started at Warner Bros in 1984 and spanned seven films.

(Via Deadline)

You’re probably asking yourself, “Why God why?” right now, but if you’re not, you’re likely asking, “Who the hell is Scott Zabielski?” Don’t worry, he’s totally qualified to take on the task of remaking a film franchise that had one great movie, two decent movies, and four mailed in retreads, because he directs episodes of “Tosh.0″, the show that features Daniel Tosh standing in front of a green screen and explaining YouTube videos.

Somewhere, Michael Winslow is making the greatest fart noise the world has ever heard.

From the director of Hairspray…

Aw, crap. I don’t know if I–

Based on the hit Broadway musical…

Um, yeeeah, you know, this doesn’t exactly sound like my cup of t–

Starring Tom Cruise…

Waiter! Check please!

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Two years ago, when Saw VI was released on Halloween like the 5 installments before it, it marked what most people believed was the end of the repetitive torture porn franchise. Its opening weekend ($14 million) and worldwide ($61 million) grosses were the franchise’s lowest by far, and the toe tag was nearly applied. But Lionsgate saw it simply as a fluke and the studio went forward with last year’s Saw 3D, the most expensive of the series, and while it earned well worldwide, it was still a big disappointment. And thus Saw was declared dead.

Now if you believed that we would never hear from Jigsaw and his deadly gadgets again, you were dead wrong… *cues maniacal laughter, farts*

Lionsgate Vice Chairman Michael Burns spoke to CNBC Tuesday about the potential merger with Summit Entertainment and dropped the following nugget on the horror community:

I’m sure, some day, you’ll see Saw back in the picture

(Via Slash Film)

Well of course we will. How could we not in this Copper Era of remakes, reboots and re-releases? Lionsgate took one Halloween off – probably because it was broke – and people really thought that meant Saw movies were never going to be made again? Hell, I’m surprised there weren’t 10 straight-to-DVD sequels made this year alone.

But I love how Burns (no relation, unless he wants to hire me) pops the Saw reference like we’re all holding out for it. Now a sequel to The Cove, that would be something to get excited about.

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