When it comes to doing more with less, Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg could challenge Helen Keller. These two idiots have now written and directed five of their own parody movies (I’m not including the Scary Movies, where they were part of a team), none of which rated higher than 10% on rottentomatoes. In fact, only one rated higher than 5%. Everyone hates their movies, and for good reason – they’re f*cking terrible. And yet it seems to be working out for them. A few years ago, Aaron Seltzer was living in a $3 million house. I suspect the saving grace is that the only people who see their movies don’t know who they are and have outgrown them by the time their next movie comes out. They just sort of piggyback on a phenomenon and catch whatever money falls out.

Anyway, this week comes word that they’ll be turning their withering eye for satire on The Hunger Games. Hope you like epic pwnage, Hunger Games!

Spoof auteurs Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have come onboard to write and direct “The Starving Games,” with K5 selling its international rights at Cannes.

Though “The Hunger Games” will be front and center for many of the jokes, other pics to be pilloried include “The Avengers,” “Sherlock Holmes” and the finale of the “Harry Potter” franchise. Wild Bunch has already snapped up the German rights, and Falcon has taken the Middle East. [Variety]

“The Starving Games.” That’s all you really need to know about these jackasses. “Hunger Games” is already a perfectly adequate title for implying that the characters are starving, all they did was take what was already there and make it louder, because their audience wouldn’t understand anything unless it was shouted. HAHA, ONE FLEW OVER THE CRAZY’S NEST, GET IT? IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE SOMEONE’S DRESSED LIKE LINDSAY LOHAN!

If you pay money to see a Seltzer-Friedberg movie, you’re worse than Al-Qaeda.

"Run awaaaaaaay!"

Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman (Transformers 1 & 2, Star Trek, Cowboys & Aliens, a million other things) get tired if they’re not attached to twelve projects a month, and after booking re-write duties on Sony’s Amazing Spider-Man sequel† (that’s the sequel to the upcoming reboot, if you’re keeping score at home), they needed something else to keep busy. I get that. But this? This is ridiculous.

Universal said the first projects in the exclusive two-year deal with Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci and their K/O Paper Products banner will be remakes of studio library titles The Mummy alongside producer Sean Daniel and writer Jon Spaihts and Van Helsing with Tom Cruise attached. [Deadline]

Is there any movie fan in the world who would read that and think, “Oh boy, remakes of Van Helsing and The Mummy!“? What’s the point of even re-making those derivative, terrible movies? Name recognition? NO ONE F*CKING LIKED VAN HELSING! How can name recognition do anything but hurt that project? You’ve basically got derivative movies with negative name recognition, wouldn’t it just be easier to write new crappy vampire and mummy movies at that point? I mean, I understand the concept of trying to make money off your back catalog (sort of…), something you already own, but when they put out these press releases, are they really expecting people to be excited about it? It’d be like if a chef walked into the dining room and announced, “Today we’ve got pigeon shit meat balls and some stuff I pulled out of the grease trap. Now who’s hungry!”

Anyone who hears “Van Helsing remake starring Tom Cruise” and thinks anything nicer than “pigeon shit meatball” is either a Scientologist or getting paid by Universal.

†Here I might point out that firing the writer before his movie has even hit theaters doesn’t speak well of what Sony thinks about the movie.

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Battleship opened in many territories overseas a month before it’s set to open here, and given that it’s a $200 million-plus movie ($209 million* according to the studio, $250-plus according to everyone else) based on a board game, its performance could have severe consequences for how many more of these pieces of shit get greenlit. Asia and the Euro Zone has been bombarded with relentless advertising for it (OMG! RIHANNA IN A SAILOR HAT!**), and sadly, it sounds like it seems to be working.

Universal’s Battleship continues to screen strongly overseas with estimates from Day 2 and Day 3 bringing the 72-hour total to $58 million with all 26 international territories now open. Director Peter Berg’s military vs alien actioner opened to #1 in 24 of those new territories.

– The UK opened #1 on Friday with an estimated $1.3M (£770). That’s ahead of Thor but behind Wrath Of The Titans and John Carter. The total with previews is $3.7M (£2.3M).

– Spain opened #1 with an estimated $900k (€681k), better than Iron Man.

– Germany opened #1 on Thursday with $900K, which is the biggest opening for an English language film in Germany this year. It continued #1 on Friday with $1.2M, equal to Iron Man but not as big as Transformers.

– Japan opened #1 with an estimated $900k (LC 72M), higher than Thor‘s opening day.

– Thailand opened #1 with $470K, which is the biggest opening day of 2012 and Universal’s 2nd biggest opening day ever (behind only Fast Five).

– Malaysia opened #1 with $390K, which is Universal’s biggest opening day of all time.

– Korea had another strong day and Battleship remains #1 with a three-day total of $4.2M (LC 4.7M) — better than Iron Man and Thor. [Deadline]

A movie about ships from space attacking an international force of obsolete naval vessels based on a boardgame is outgrossing Iron Man in almost every place. What can you even say about that? But while it seems disappointing, I see opportunity here. There’s still a chance that it could completely bomb domestically. LET’S GO, AMERICA! WE CAN SHOW THESE CHEESE-EATING ARMPIT FACTORIES WE’RE NOT AS DUMB AS EVERYONE SAYS! TWO-TIME WORLD WAR CHAMPS! USA! USA!

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Here’s the latest trailer for Rock of Ages, starring Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Julianne Hough, and the invisible grinning face of Satan. This warmed-over pile of stupid clichés and pandering is impressive only the sense that I think I actually barted when I saw it. That’s when you barf and fart at the same time.

Not even a baboon in a leather jacket could get me to see this.

Boy, what would attractive white kids do without wise black folks to give them advice but not hog any of their spotlight? I hope this movie gets cancer.

Ever since The King’s Speech, there have been more and more movies that seem more like unintentional parodies of Oscar movies than actual movies – The Iron Lady, Albert Nobbs, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. But Precious director Lee Daniels (have you ever seen the misspelled credits sequence in Precious? it’s f*cking MINDBLOWING) may have just raised the bar.

Longtime liberal activist Jane Fonda is set to play the revered republican Nancy Reagan in the movie “The Butler.” The Wrap has confirmed that the 74-year-old has signed on for the part.

(*bangs head on desk*)

The  historical drama is based on a story written in the Washington Post about a White House servant, Eugene Allen, who served eight presidents in the White House from Harry Truman through Ronald Reagan -— meaning plenty of chances for cameos from A-list actors.
The stellar cast may also include Forest Whitaker in the title role of butler Allen; Oprah Winfrey as Allen’s wife; and Liam Neeson and John Cusack as Presidents Lyndon Johnson and Richard Nixon. Mila Kunis has been mentioned for the role of Jackie Kennedy.
Going public with the news to drum up interest before all casting is a done deal could be a play for financing and distribution, which is also not finalized, according to Variety. [Yahoo]

Can we just give Lee Daniels an Oscar an exchange for a promise not to make this? He’s like the North Korea of directors. I wonder if we’ll find out that Nancy Reagan secretly had AIDS and an incest baby and couldn’t read. Maybe Gabourey Sidibe as the sassy Jamaican ambassador? “Ear me now – ya gwan take dem bandulu plane hout me bumbaclot hairspace if ya know what’s good far ya, BUH! BUH! Now whar me put me donut?”

Jane Fonda via jbor / Shutterstock.com