A couple weeks ago while writing up a Forgotten Classics post about 2001′s Most Vertical Primate, I accidentally happened upon THE BEST TWO-SECOND PERFORMANCE IN ALL OF CINEMA.  Through the magic of the internet, I was able to both identify and make contact with that performer, only hours later.  That performer is Canadian comedian Aubrey Tennant, and this is our interview.  We discuss monkeys’ distaste for blondes, dissing Anna Faris, and Aubrey’s motto: “No pain, no monkeys scoring goals.”  Enjoy:

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VINCE M.: Okay, so who are you? (And don’t be offended by this part, I mean, I know you played “Underwear Norseman” in Scary Movie but the ignorant lay person needs some background info).  How did you come to be involved with Most Vertical Primate?

AUBREY T.: I think this clip says everything about me. In 2000 I started working as an extra with some friends from high school. We were really into skateboarding and Tom Green and we wanted to cause as much trouble as we possibly could.  My first job was on the set of Scary Movie. We caused so much trouble, even mocking Keenan Ivory Wayans, that he asked me to do a speaking role as the Underwear Norseman.  Once I was given this endorsement there was no stopping me.

I did as much extra work as possible and stole as many scenes as I could. A few movies where I have other 2-second roles include; 40 Days and 40 Nights, starring me and Josh Hartnett, Stark Raving Mad starring me and Sean William Scott, Scary Movie starring me and Anna Faris, and Anti-Trust starring me and Ryan Philippe, just to name a few. The TV shows in which you can see me for two seconds include several episodes of Stargate SG-1, starring me and Macgyver, Higher Ground, starring me and Hayden Christiansen — my 2-second role in that is of a gay man touching the butt of another gay man — and Smallville, starring me and some no namers.

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The Whitest Kids You Know are a sketch comedy group who’ve apparently had a show on IFC for three seasons now, though I still know them mainly as the guys behind “Slow Jerk” and “The Slapping Sketch”, both of which I’ve included after the jump. Watch them, they’re awesome, I promise.  Meanwhile, the trailer above is for Miss March, written, directed, and starring Zach Cregger and Trevor Moore of the Whitest Kids, and Craig Robinson of The Office (as well as solid smaller roles in Knocked Up, Pineapple Express, and Zack and Miri Make a Porno). Miss March is about a guy who falls into a coma before he can have sex with his prom date and when he comes to four years later, she’s a playmate.  And that becomes the vehicle for a wacky road movie about trying to get to the Playboy Mansion.  Get it?  Vehicle?  Road Movie?  Boy, metaphors, huh?  What. Would. We. Do. Without them.

According to IMDB, it also stars Josh Fadem as “Flava Flav Kid”.  I’m going to pretend I didn’t read that.
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Variety reported today that Paramount Vantage has acquired the rights to the New York Times story "Hey Coach, Do You Need a Timeout?" by Warren St. John.

I thought the title sounded pretty gay, so I decided to read the original story, which "centers on college fraternity brothers who decide to get together and coach a peewee football team but find themselves overwhelmed by the competitive nature of the league."

Sure enough, the story was both cute and heartwarming. It's sad someone had to buy the rights to it, because most of its charm is due to the fact that it's a real-life version of a million movies that have already been made – Kicking and Screaming, Ladybugs, etc.   Vivid Video once tried to buy the rights to the time I went to go fix the copy machine at the Asian sorority house, but I told them no because I knew they'd probably turn it into something sexual.  Yuck!

Anyway, Paramount Vantage is planning the film as a comedic vehicle for Trevor Moore, whom I had to look up, but apparently is a guy from "The Whitest Kids You Know".  They do some funny stuff (he's the tall guy).  See kids? Research can be fun.  Demental.