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When I think “Mickey Rourke burger,” I think a hearty back slap, a juicy high ball, and a slice of foul-mouthed straight talk, served on a gust of cigarette breath with a side of tiny dogs.  As appetizing as that sounds, Burger King ignored all of it when creating their new Whiplash burger, based on Mickey Rourke’s drunken, parrot-berating character from Iron Man 2.

This limited-time addition to the BK^® menu captures the sharp edge of the film’s villain, Whiplash, with an intense, red-hot flavor combination featuring a flame-broiled WHOPPER^® sandwich topped with melted Pepper Jack cheese, crispy red peppers and spicy mayonnaise. The fiery sandwich will be available for a suggested price of $3.79 at participating restaurants throughout the four-week promotion.

I could see eating that, possibly for my late-night, Taco-Bell-inspired fourthmeal (thanks, Taco Bell, before it was just called “being a fat stoner”).  But why only four weeks?  What am I supposed when they discontinue the sandwich after I’m already hooked?  Go back to eating regular Whoppers? Please, I’d rather lick a subway pole (no homo).

In the national adult television commercial, the King armors up with a futuristic “Iron Man” suit. In the spot, the “Iron King” introduces the latest technologies from the BURGER KING brand to the curious visitors at the Stark Expo. In his quest to deliver high-tech value with flame-fresh taste via another new great product, the Buck Double sandwich, he ends up wreaking havoc at the Expo.*

The Iron King sounds pretty sweet, so no complaints there. (He’s successfully privatized national deliciousness!) But I ask, would not a better commercial just be The King and Mickey Rourke makin’ it rain in a strip club?

*The press release comes from IESB, who wondered “Isn’t Mickey Rourke a vegetarian?”  The answer is no (as far as I can tell).  He did some commercials for PETA (below), but they were for neutering your dogs, not going veg.  He also recently bought a cockatoo and named it “Elvis.” (Cue ‘More You Know’ music)

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Paramount just released the newest Iron Man 2 poster, featuring Mickey Rourke as Whiplash, aka Ivan Vanko.  He’s basically a Russian guy who also built an Iron-Man-style suit, only his doesn’t have a helmet or any protective gear, because as we all know, Russians have as little regard for their own safety as they do yours.  Plus you can’t get a vodka bottle inside an Iron Man mask.  And it would’ve made it hard for Mickey Rourke’s parrot to recognize him.  As for the whips, those are to defend from his arch nemesis, your mom.

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USA Today has the first shot of Mickey Rourke playing Whiplash in Jon Favreau’s Iron Man 2.

Whiplash (Mickey Rourke) sports a power pack on his chest that looks similar to the one that Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) uses.
“The technologies are definitely related,” says director Jon Favreau. “That’s part of the core theme of the film.”
The villain’s alter ego, Ivan Vanko, is a Russian who “has constructed his own version of a suit,” Favreau says. Among the creative innovations: a pair of whips, powered by the suit’s glowing chest piece, that are expected to keep Iron Man cracking.
This first image of the character shows Whiplash making an appearance at the Monaco Historic Grand Prix. Favreau as usual is tight-lipped about plot points and declines to discuss whether the big-screen Whiplash is, as in the Marvel Comics, a weapons designer who works for Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell), a competitor of Tony Stark/Iron Man.

Look, I liked Iron Man as much as the next guy, but every time I get into speculative discussions about which comic book character someone’s playing, or which comic guy could beat up which comic guy I start to feel like one of these guys.  I’ll take Mickey Rourke playing himself holding an animal, thank-you-very-much.

Mickey Rourke, the ne’er-do-well recovering alcoholic uncle I never had who I just want to hug, has signed on to play a villain in Iron Man 2.  Marvel had originally lowballed him with an offer of $250K, but Nikki Finke reports that Rourke’s agent negotiated a “significant” increase.

“I can also tell you that Sony was considering hiring Mickey to play the villain in Spider-Man 4.”

It’s unclear how much we’re supposed to read into that past tense, or whether we’re supposed to be excited about a fourth Spider-Man.  ADDITIONAL INFO FOR NERDS:

“Rourke’s Whiplash will incorporate elements of the Crimson Dynamo’s backstory and appearance, along with elements of the comic book Whiplash, a former Stark employee who builds a costume that allows him to wield cybernetically controlled and electrically charged whips that can cause some serious damage to the Iron Man armour.” [Empire]

They shouldn’t have to mine TWO separate comic book characters to create a part for Mickey Rourke.  The guy has a Clayface, often wears a mustache/soul patch combo, and carries a little dog around in a duffel bag.  Hello?  He’s already a comic book villain.

Just a day after becoming part of The Expendables supercast, Mickey Rourke, along with awesomely hungover-looking Choke star Sam Rockwell, is in talks to play a villain in Iron Man 2.  Sadly, Rourke won’t be playing Clayface, which would’ve been the obvious choice.

Rourke would play a tattooed Russian heavy named Ivan who becomes Whiplash, a man with deadly, technologically enhanced coils.  Rockwell would play Justin Hammer, a multibillionaire businessman and a rival of industrialist Anthony Stark, AKA Iron Man, being played by a returning Robert Downey Jr. [THR]

Hmm, “coils”?  Gonna have to be more specific.  I don’t know if he wants to refrigerate me, electrocute me, or take some sort of super-powered robo-dump.  According to Wiki there are a couple Marvel characters known as Whiplash, but it would seem Rourke will play this one:

Courtesy of Justin Hammer, Blacklash wields a pair of cybernetically-controlled titanium whips that can extend to be swung fast enough to deflect bullets, or become rigid and be used as nunchaku or vaulting-poles. Blacklash also carries a variety of devices in a weapons pouch, including anti-gravity bolas and a necro-lash which releases electrical energy generated by his gauntlets.

My weapons pouch is assless and made of cheetah skin.  I keep my balls in it.