In its first weekend Speed Racer failed to earn even half of Iron Man’s gross, and only just barely edged out What Happens in Vegas.  Full top ten:

1. "Iron Man," $50.5 million.
2. "Speed Racer," $20.2 million.
3. "What Happens in Vegas," $20 million.
4. "Made of Honor," $7.6 million.
5. "Baby Mama," $5.8 million.
6. "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," $3.8 million.
7. "Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay," $3.2 million.
8. "The Forbidden Kingdom," $1.9 million.
9. "Nim’s Island," $1.3 million.
10. "Redbelt," $1.1 million.

"Our tracking was stalled toward the end," said Dan Fellman, president of Warner Bros. theatrical distribution, about market surveys before the "Speed Racer" opening. Fellman added "Speed Racer" would have difficulty recouping its $120 million budget. "Unfortunately it didn’t perform to our expectations," he said. [Source]

Gee, I never would’ve imagined a really serious remake of a cheesy cartoon that even in the 80s people only liked for the novelty value would be a failure at the box office.  “Oooh, I was vaguely aware of this when I was 8.  Now that I’m in my late 20s, I’d really like to see a swearing, nudity, and violence-free version of it.  Fingers crossed that it takes itself really seriously!” 

I hope this doesn’t effect plans for my Saved by the Bell adaptation.  We were really shooting for a big budget.

Opening:

Speed Racer
Yahoo has the first seven minutes of Speed Racer online (watch it after the jump), and I’m pretty comfortable saying that it’s like being stuck in a retarded 10-year-old’s coma fantasy.  It’s totally new and different, and revolutionary in how much it hurts the fuck out of my face and brain.  By the end, I was curled into a fetal position, crying into the beige towel I wrapped around my head.  Shoulda taken the blue pill.

What Happens in Vegas
The Las Vegas Board of Tourism reminds you not to think too hard.  If you’ve ever seen a romantic comedy, you’ve already seen this.  If you still want to see it, it’s probably because you’re really pretty and all your friends are just jealous bitches.

The Fall
Has potential and has received rave reviews from some, but in my mind awesome visuals don’t outweigh the little girl and her creepy accent.  Or maybe she’s really cute, what the hell do I know.  I just want them to make a prequel called Chick with Big Cans Walking Down Stairs.

I’m pretty sure they don’t even bother writing new romantic comedy scripts anymore, they just change the place and character names.

In What Happens in Vegas, Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher (real first name Chris) play the couple forced together by circumstance who initially hate each other but then fall in love.  Rob Corddry reprises his role as Rob Corddry from Heartbreak Kid (seriously, it’s the exact same character – I’ve included the Heartbreak Kid trailer after the jump for comparison).  Queen Latifah plays the sassy black woman, and Dennis Miller plays… wait, Dennis Miller?  Didn’t he die like ten years ago? 

Also notice that the new trend in rom-coms is to introduce each scene with a different popular song.  Couple fighting?  “War, What is it Good For”.  Couple going to Vegas?  Song about going to Vegas. Just in case you’ve been texting your friend this whole time and were only half paying attention. They should just get the guy who runs the soundboard at hockey games to direct these.  Some time towards the middle of the movie they could play that chicken dance song, and then find someone in the audience who’s getting all into it and project her on the big screen.  That always gets everyone excited.

Nothing says Martin Luther King Day like the trailer for What Happens in Vegas.

Cameron Diaz is a likable lady… with rotten luck in love.
Ashton Kutcher is a lovable rascal… who doesn’t believe in marriage.
Something happens… and now they have to put up with each other.
Queen Latifah… is sassy and black.
Rob Corddry something something, and hey, was that Zach Galifianakis?

If I ever marry an old rich chick with kids like Ashton Kutcher did, I picture myself strolling down the boulevard in an ascot and a tophat, laughing wildly while lighting a cigar with a $500 bill and hitting poor people with my cane.  This jackass is doing the exact same thing he used to do.  You’re ruining my fantasies, a-hole.  When you win the lottery, you don’t go back to your crappy job the next day.  Unless you’re there just long enough to burn it to the ground.  Yeah, you better hope these numbers don’t come in, children’s cancer hospital, because you can kiss your ass goodbye. 

What Happens in Thailand was better (here and here). 

Hollywood Reporter is reporting (typical, right?) that Zach Galifianakis has signed on to play major parts in two movies.  And really, I’ll take any excuse to post Galifianakis clips; he’s one of the best comedians out there.

For one thing, this YouTube clip was called "Zach G. hopes 4 a better tommorrow w/out Dane Cook".  I like him ’cause he’s… subtle.

In Tom Vaughan’s "[What Happens in Las Vegas...]" for Fox, the actor plays Dave the Bear, an anti-marriage guy who wigs out after his best bud, Jack (Kutcher), marries Joy (Diaz) during a wild, drunken night in Sin City.

In Hoyt Yeatman’s "G-Force," for Disney/Jerry Bruckheimer Prods., he stars as the lead government scientist in charge of a guinea pig commando program, helping send the highly trained elite agents on a dangerous mission.

Oh crap, Ashton Kutcher and Jerry Bruckheimer?  Don’t do it, Zach!  Remember, ya dance wit’ Jerry Bruckheima, Jerry Bruckheima don’t change, Jerry Bruckheima changes you.