^{What?  Homophobic Turtle just likes this show, okay?}

When Tyler Perry opens a new Tyler Perry Studio this Saturday, he will be picketed by the former head and three other writers of House of Payne as well as supporters from the Writers Guild.

Together, these writers have written over one hundred episodes of House  of Payne. …Despite the enormous success of House of Payne, Perry has refused to agree to a contract that would give the writers health care, pensions, and residuals.  On Tuesday of this week he fired the writers, after warning them some weeks ago that they should “be careful about pushing the WGA deal or you could be replaced.”

“We’re asking all those who had planned to attend the opening of Tyler Perry’s new studio not to cross our picket line,” said writer Christopher Moore. “It’s very disheartening considering that this is a studio run by African Americans. What Tyler Perry is essentially saying to us is that ‘you’re black and there’s not a lot of opportunities for you so you’ll take what I give you’ – whether it’s fair or not.” [DHD]

I imagine when they showed up to his office to discuss contracts, he’d put on his Madea wig and just keep asking “Whooo?” every time they addressed him as Tyler.  Why is it everyone who creates wholesome, moralistic entertainment for a living always turns out to be an asshole?  And famous pornstars, they act like they’re all kinky and horny all the time, but you break into their house wearing a crotchless gorilla suit and they usually just call the cops like everyone else.  I’m sick of everyone in this business being so phony.

That’s right, folks, question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: it’s time to prognosticate! Will humans land on Mars?  Is purple the new pink? Would this monkey let me squeeze her tits for a banana?  No one can say for sure, and that means we’re free to speculate wildly! Yee ha!

Details are still sketchy, but the rumor going around is that the WGA strike is over.  DeadlineHollywoodDaily:

So I’ve just been told that Peter Chernin did make it to Super Bowl XLII after all. (Heck, it’s News Corp’s Fox Sports televising it, and Phoenix is only an hour’s corporate jet ride away.) And the mogul is telling Hollywood folk there that "the strike is over", according to emails coming fast and furious out of that venue.

Meanwhile, Variety says:

The Writers Guild of America and studio brass made a breakthrough on the key issue of Internet streaming in a lengthy Friday session — generating cautious optimism that an end to the 3-month-old writers strike may soon be at hand. 

I’m not gonna pretend I know all the nuances of this story and I’m not gonna pretend I care.  Everyone who makes more money than me can pretty much lick my balls, unless they’re inviting me on their yacht (which I will pronounce "yacked"). Bottom line, it looks like pretty soon stoned jackasses like James Franco here (in honor of this video, i rescind any bad things I said about James Franco) actors won’t have to come up with their own lines.  And that’s a beautiful thing, like the laughter of a child, or the clank of a blacksmith’s hammer.  

This is Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane’s contribution to the ongoing writer’s strike negotiations.  

My first concern about it, when I discovered that the premise was that the movie producers were represented by a group of puppets, was how this one joke was going last all three minutes and 27 seconds.

But hey, who better to milk a joke than the Family Guy guy?  And you know what, he almost won me over with the Jew arguing with a monkey-squirrel. Though I think if I were to let a species hybrid represent me at a board meeting, I’d go with a rhino-badger or a shark-falcon.  No one can hold his own against a Jew like a shark-falcon.

^{(Thanks to "RoboPanda" for the tip, and apologies on the shortage of posts today. We’ll be back on track tomorrow.  You’ll be able to tell by the back-on-track marks.)}

In an interview with Hollywood Insider, economist Jack Kyser puts the total cost of the Writer’s Strike to the LA economy at $1.4 billion.  Among other things, the cancellation of all those Golden Globe after parties had an effect.

And the parties account for a big piece of the pie?
Oh yeah. It’s a huge impact. We count at least five parties that have been canceled, and that comes to about $2.5 million.

Good heavens! And that figure probably doesn’t include the hit taken by Jerry Bruckheimer’s coke dealer! 

What about the Academy Awards?
We’ve done more research on that, and that’s around $130 million, and it has unexpected impacts. For example, there’s a firm in Los Angeles called ABS by Alan Schwartz, and what he does is knock-offs of the most popular gowns on the red carpet, and so if there’s no red carpet, there’s not business for Alan Schwartz.

Oh, that poor man! What’s the world coming to when the knock-off gown makers can’t make a living?  Next you’ll tell me the mini-chihuahua breeders are having trouble making ends meet.  But tell us, Mr. EW Interviewer Guy, where does the ripple effect end??!!!?

Do you think this is going to have any affect on the presidential candidates?

Oh for Christ’s sake. You know there wasn’t even a hint of irony in that.

And he’s right, too.  It’s like the celebrity butterfly effect.  First the Hollywood stars don’t get to party.  Next, all their suck-ass assistants and PR reps are out of work.  Then the jewelers and the limo drivers and the jeweled limo drivers.  And it goes right on down the line until some poor child in Africa’s hopes are crushed, as he realizes he’ll never feel the buzz of notification from his Blackberry or hear the sweet lilt of Madonna’s fake accent – his adopted mother who never was.

It’s a sad day, gang. A sad day indeed. 

The WGA has released a series of videos like this one as part of their "Speechless" campaign in support of the striking writers. Full cast list here.

Hey, you know what’d be a great?  Famous actors staring at the camera not saying anything.  You know, cause, like, if the writers don’t write, than the actors don’t can’t say anything because they’re retarded.  Awesome idea!  Hey, in case people don’t get it at first, lets have a bunch of people in it.  Yeah!  And maybe after like 30 seconds they still won’t understand what it’s about, so we’ll drag it out for like three minutes!  Yeah!  And we’ll call it "Just What’s on the Page".  YEAH!

Poor actors are helpless to convey an idea without speaking.  Haven’t they ever been to a strip club? 

^{Semi-related and totally self-indulgent note: speaking as a non-union writer who’s not on strike, yours truly has a reading tonight at 8:30 at the Ding Dong Lounge on 106th and Columbus in Manhattan, so if you live in the NYC area, and are clamoring for more of my semi-coherent ramblings, feel free to attend.  Actors will still not be allowed to speak.}