Werner Herzog is one our favorite characters around these parts, so it only follows that someone would want to put that character in a movie. Paramount has announced that Herzog will play the villain in One Shot, written and directed by Chris McQuarrie (Usual Suspects, Valkyrie), based on the book series by Lee Child. I hope he’s only doing this to finance a documentary about blind pygmies of the Serengeti, who create beautiful poetry and then fight to the death with yak bones.

The book series by Lee Child follows Jack Reacher, a former military policeman turned drifter. In “One Shot,” Reacher investigates the case of a sniper accused of murdering five people before being captured.
Herzog will play The Zec, an ex-prisoner of war who arranges and stages the killing and is the head of the conspiracy. “One Shot” is the first major acting role for the German auteur, aside from cameos and an occasional voice-over work on “The Simpsons.”

Said Herzog on why he was interested in working with Tom Cruise, “I haff been eenterested een za giggling dwarf ever seence I shoot ‘Even Dwarf Started Schmall’ een 1970, about za laughing dwarf oo takeower za zoo oont crucify za monkey. I see za parallel seetoation viss Tom Cruise, ollyvood, oont Scientologist. Oont ven I look eento za eyes uff za scientologeest, I see nuzzink. Zee abyss. Za cold eendifference uff nature. Vair some people see za human soul, I see styleests, publiceests, oont Schtarbucks fockeeng coffeez. Behind za eyes ist nuzzinkness, oont it is poetry. Eez beautiful.”

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"One must not give za bear za satizfaktion."

Director Werner Herzog has found a distributor for his upcoming documentary, which he describes as “a gaze into the abyss of the human soul.”  To be fair, he says the same thing about bears, icebergs, soft-serve ice cream, sugar packets, logo t-shirts, nose-hair trimmers, ducks, wheelbarrows, Eskimos, Starbucks coffee, and the spork.  Specifically, this one’s about death row inmates.

ZDF Enterprises is handling worldwide TV and theatrical rights to the film outside the U.S. and the U.K. for Werner Herzog’s forthcoming docu “Gazing into the Abyss: A Tale of Death, a Tale of Life,” about death row inmates.
In the film, Herzog — who is enjoying a major hit with his current pic, “Cave of Forgotten Dreams” — embarks on a dialogue with the prisoners, discussing life and death, and examines their stories and their crimes, which he describes as “a gaze into the abyss of the human soul.”
Among the inmates portrayed in the film are two men convicted of triple murder, another who killed his girlfriend and her two mentally retarded sons, and a woman — one of only 10 on Texas’ death row — charged with abducting a newborn baby and killing the child’s mother. [Variety]

This sounds amazing, but to be fair, I could listen to Werner Herzog narrate anything. “Oont one day, za preezoner schtab me in mein belly.  I vass bleedink all over za floor, oont za prizon schtaff urge me to get medical care.  But I say nein, ist flesh vound. Eez beautiful.  Za poet must never look away.”

As documentarian-narrators go, Herzog is like the opposite of Nick Broomfield, who’s like listening to a retarded British Kermit the Frog try to gargle hot oatmeal.

If you heard that clip of Samuel L. Jackson reading faux-children’s book Go the F*ck to Sleep and thought, “this is great, the only thing that could make this better is if it was Werner Herzog,” you’re in luck. Herzog recorded a special version of the audiobook for the New York Public Library (slash Hobo Whack-Off Dungeon), and now it’s online.  It’s about as intense and profound and bleak as a German director could make a comedic children’s book.  Still, I can’t help but wish he’d re-written it to make it, you know, Herzoggier…

Now cheeldren, ist time to go to schleep.  Schleep eest but za preview for za eternal schlumber zat befall us all.  Death.  Blackness. Za Greem Reapah — eet bind every leeveeng sing, from za schmallest plankton to za shreemp oont frogs oont zalamanders oont grizzly bears oont vhales oont ein fockeenk sloths to za man, za only aneemal blessed viss za abeelity to conseedah ein own mortaleety.  Eez poetry.  Eez zeess zat geeve us za ceevilization, so much more so zan za MacDonaldz, za iPod, za fockeenk aerobic eenstruktor vees her Starbucks fockeenk vaneela latte een za lunch break.  Zo schleep now, child.  You shall rest only ven you oonterstand ein own magneefeecent eenseegneeficance. Eez beautiful.

[via Movieline]

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'Cave of Forgotten Dreams' -- Also a good nickname for your mom's vag

It’s already played to the Toronto Film Festival, but finally we have the first trailer for Werner Herzog’s 3D documentary about cave paintings, Cave of Forgotten Dreams, the most perfect euphemism for your mom’s vag since The Hurt Locker.  That’s right, a 3D doc about cave paintings (achtung! mein spelunkinzeit!).  Herzog shot the entire thing with cold lights and a three-man crew, part of the conditions for being allowed to shoot inside the Cave of Chauvet-Pont-d’Arc in Southern France.  As quoted in the LA Times [via ThePlaylist]:

“It was important to capture the intentions of the painters. Once you saw the crazy niches and bulges and rock pendants in the walls, it was obvious it had to be in 3-D.”

He goes on in the article to say that “Avatar” was difficult for him to follow and that romantic comedies should never be in 3D because it takes away from the emotionality of the film. Although his dabbling in 3D might seem surprising, Herzog took a laissez-faire approach to the format saying, “Let’s deal with 3-D as if we had 30 or 40 years of history behind us. We should be completely casual, as if we weren’t trying to impress everyone with the scope of it.”

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Just released by First Look Studios in support of today’s DVD release of My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done, here’s an animated version (created by Sascha Ciezata) of Werner Herzog telling the story of how he once pulled Joaquin Phoenix from the wreckage of a car crash.  Between this and Gary Busey helping a crash victim a few weeks ago, I’m beginning to think of Malibu as a magical land full of batsh*t celebrities playing bumper cars with each other on city streets.  Anyway, I transcribed the part that picks up just after Werner Herzog sees a car going too fast lose control and shoot up an embankment, eventually coming to rest on its roof.  Herzog is the first person on the scene and discovers that the driver is none other than MC Poo Pants himself, Joaquin Phoenix.

“It was clear I couldn’t get him out through the window, and the moment I diverted my attention from him, he had picked up a cigarette and tried to light the cigarette.  And I said to him, ‘Man, relax.’  And he said to me very calmly, ‘I am relaxed.’  And I said to him, ‘No you are not.’  And what I noticed and what he was not really aware, was that gasoline was dripping throughout the car.  So I confiscated the cigarette lighter and then I crushed the rear window and got him out.”

After that, I imagine he disarmed some car jackers, then held forth for a three-hour lecture on 17th century French imperialism that was so beautiful that afterward they cried and thanked him and promised to turn their lives around.  If those Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man in the World” ads were halfway accurate, they’d star Werner Herzog.  He once got shot in the belly during an interview, an experience about which he said, ‘Nein.  Das eest eine flesh vound.  Eez poetry.” He once filled a movie full of midgets laughing maniacally, just to see how it felt…

[Indiewire]