If you watched Amanda Seyfried in 2011’s Red Riding Hood, thinking, “Eh, this is OK, but I could use more violent girls flashing their boobs and werewolves acting all rapey” then you’re in luck, because Japan already heard you loud and clear. Red Sword reimagines the classic “Little Red Riding Hood” tale just a little bit differently than Hollywood’s most recent version.

Long, long ago, there was a wolf-man tribe who had no women. All through history these desperate wolf men have attacked and raped female humans as a way to continue their species. But the wolf men have a terrible legend where every hundred years, on the night of a red moon, a little girl is born and she is destined to destroy the wolf-man tribe. The lecherous wolf men are so afraid of females that they have developed a code which requires they kill baby girls soon after they are born. But only the lovely Beniko Akatsuki survives this terrible fate.

These days, Beniko fights endless battles against the wolf men. Poor Beniko’s mother was ruthlessly raped by a wolf man and gave birth to Beniko. To save her baby girl, Beniko’s mother had to sacrifice her own life. Now, Beniko wears a memento of her beloved mother, a red riding hood, and she has dedicated her life to killing all the wolf men. One day, Beniko senses that the evil wolf men are sneaking into a high school. The clever Beniko pretends she is a school girl and starts attending school, only to find vicious, horny pack of female-deprived wolf men. Beniko protects her fellow school girls as she fights them off with her sword and her red riding hood.

Will the brave, sexy Beniko Red Riding Hood be able to finally kill the vicious pack of sex-starved wolf-men? (Via Gamma Squad and Twitch)

So not only is the Japanese version about the sword-wielding product of werewolf-on-human rape, but she also pretends to be a high school student, flashing her boobs all over the place, because these werewolves are only into schoolgirls. I have to say, I’m just a little bit disappointed in the predictability, Japan.

Very NSFW trailer after the jump. How NSFW? It asks your age for verification and you CANNOT lie to the Internet.

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Here’s Kate Beckinsale sorta naked in Underworld 3, which is sorta a movie! Oh wait, paaardon me, this is actually Underworld 4. This one’s officially called Underworld: Awakenings, and you can watch the trailer below. It’s a follow up to 2009′s Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, which I didn’t see, but which starred this guy, who seems cool. Like all previous Underworlds, this one was directed by Len Wiseman and stars his super-hot wife, Kate Beckinsale. It’s about vampires or something. Not to be confused with Resident Evil, which also has three sequels, all directed by Paul WS Anderson, and starring his hot wife, Milla Jovovich. Those are about zombies or something. Therefore I ask: Can’t we just combine Len Wiseman and Paul WS Anderson into one person? That seems like it’d be easier for everyone. Well, except maybe Kate Beckinsale and Milla Jovovich. BUT THINK OF THE SEXY TIMES!

Slight update: Okay, so Len Wiseman didn’t direct this one. I stand by all other statements.

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I’m excited to report this story, because just the phrase “bloated tentpole” gets me all hot and bothered (mmm, yeah, baby, I want you in all four quadrants). So last we heard, Disney had cancelled Bruckheimer’s (bloated tentpole) The Lone Ranger, because it was going to cost $250 million. And it cost $250 million because, obviously, it had werewolves in it (or more specifically, according to ThePlaylist, “supernatural wolves” – “the 2009 draft we read by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio features supernatural wolves, a legion of coyotes and the Wendigo, a cannibalistic Native American spirit”).

Today, the Hollywood Reporter says that in the most recent script, the werewolves were gone. …And it was STILL going to cost $250 million. Why the what I don’t even…

According to sources who have read recent drafts, three massive action set pieces involving trains remain, including one described as the biggest train sequence in film history.

Was a it a train sequence EVEN BIGGER THAN A MISSILE THE SIZE OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING??!? Anyway, you’ll be glad to learn that they’re still trying to get this film made, and the latest is that Jerry Bruckheimer and director Gore Verbinski have lowered their fees by $10 million (!!!) and trimmed the budget to around $242 million. But Disney still wants it at $220 million or less. And even at that price, they claim it would have to gross $800 million worldwide just to turn a profit. Holy. Sh*t.

Even at the cost Disney has targeted, the film would have to gross about $800 million worldwide to be profitable when marketing and rich backends to Depp, Verbinski and Bruckheimer are factored in.

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This is a little game I like to play called "spot the broody love interest."

At long last, we have the trailer for Red Riding Hood, starring Amanda Seyfried in a “gothic horror reimagining” of Little Red Riding Hood, from the director of Twilight and the writer of Secret Dwarf Hooker. GRRR, WEREWOLVES AND LOVE TRIANGLES! It’s set during my favorite time period, the alternate Middle Ages where hot, smooth-faced young dudes wore lots of hair gel.

Seyfried plays Valerie, a beautiful young woman torn between two men. She is in love with a brooding outsider, Peter (Shiloh Fernandez), but her parents have arranged for her to marry the wealthy Henry (Max Irons). Unwilling to lose each other, Valerie and Peter are planning to run away together when they learn that Valerie’s older sister has been killed by the werewolf that prowls the dark forest surrounding their village.  As the death toll rises with each moon, Valerie begins to suspect that the werewolf could be someone she loves. [Apple]

Oh my gosh, you guys, you think the wolf will try to bang the pretty white girl? 

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Whatever, YOU try finding a relevant banner picture for this story.

When I woke up this morning, an inside source had sent me news of a new script that’s going around called Dances with Werewolves, which my source tells me will be in 3D, and get at least a limited theatrical run courtesy of Hannover House (who’s also handling the awesome-looking viking LARP movie, Wild Hunt). But before I could change my name to “Queefsward and Derpstein” and stick a post-it that says “PRESS” to my dirty underpants, I found that Dreadcentral had beat me to it.  Read this awesome synopsis that they already posted while I fart in their general direction:

Synopsis
Winter, 1864. William Singer and his young brother, Henry, along with four other Confederate POWs, escape from a Union prison camp just outside of Chicago. The ragged band soon find refuge aboard a moving locomotive, only to wake the next morning, train stopped, and the passengers brutally butchered by what appears to be the work of a wild animal. Trekking through the frozen wasteland, the rebels discover that “wild animal” is no animal at all, but a pack of Native American shape-shifting werewolves with an insatiable hunger for human flesh. Relentlessly tracked by the Union Army, hunted by werewolves, trapped within the bitter cold with no food, no water and nowhere to go, they soon discover the hell they left is nothing compared to the horrors all around them.

BUT DO THE ETHNIC WEREWOLVES HAVE SIX-PACK ABS?!!? I NEED TO KNOW!!!  A worthy adversary, ethnic werewolves can only be killed by silver bullets, or intense platonic love between two sparkling white Aryans.