The Weinstein Company has announced that they’ll be distributing the Madonna-directed film W.E., set to begin a tiered release December 9th, which is of course the heart of Oscar season, as it’s known to myself and the gays.  The hope seems to be that one becomes an Oscar-winning director solely by being comically over-accessorized. “HEY, P.A.! DON’T JUST STAND THERE, BRING ME MORE GLASSES AND ANOTHER SCARF! I AM A SERIOUS ARTIST!”

Madonna’s narrative feature directorial debut…

Actually it’s not, and keep in mind this quote is from the official Weinstein Co press release. Her first narrative feature was 2008′s Filth and Wisdom, which I haven’t seen, but the first two keywords on IMDB are “Gypsy” and “Female Sitting On A Toilet,” so it sounds pretty good.

Co-written by Madonna and Alek Keshishian, W.E. looks at the fabled romance between American Wallis Simpson and Britain’s King Edward VIII, who famously gave up the throne to marry the woman he loved. More than six decades later, their story enthralls a young woman named Wally Winthrop, who thinks she sees in their devotion a stark contrast to her own unhappy marriage – and an example to follow as she searches for the meaning of true love. The cast features Abbie Cornish, Andrea Riseborough, James D’Arcy and Oscar Isaac.

Ooh, it sounds like Letters to Juliet meets The King’s Speech!  I mean, not really MY cup of tea, per se, but Oscar voters are consistently captivated by the problems of the British aristocracy, whether they be stuttering or just standing around acting constipated looking like Judy Dench, and Madonna is great at fake British accents so this should be perfect.  Although something tells me the story of Edward the Eighth is going to make me long for the days of Henry the Eighth.

Jesse Peretz’s indie comedy Our Idiot Brother (which used to be called My Idiot Brother) stars Steve Coogan, Elizabeth Banks, Zooey Deschanel, Emily Mortimer, Rashida Jones, and of course, former Bat Mitsvah DJ Paul Rudd, the most likable man in show business.  I missed it when it was at Sundance, where the Weinsteins paid $6 million for it, but it opens August 26th and the trailer is after the jump.  It looks… very much like an indie comedy.  This is the kind of comedy that critics love while they deride stuff like Your Highness, even though this will be less funny and probably more derivative, but at least it didn’t offend anyone’s delicate sensibilities with the coarse language and the references to genitals, God forbid!  Yay, more easily-digestible family quirk and sweaters!  But hey, I’m just judging by the trailer.  Maybe’s it’s not the cutesy smarmy yuppie Chardonnay of a movie they’re selling it as. It’s not like you have to try this hard to make Paul Rudd likable, the man’s a human kitten basket.

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After the jump, it’s the newly-released trailer for Richard Ayoade’s Submarine, “presented by Ben Stiller and The Weinstein Company.”  What does “presented by” mean, exactly?  I believe it’s what happens when a name actor/director who isn’t involved with the production of a film nonetheless likes it enough to put his or her name on it, much like Beyoncé when she puts rings on things. Anyway, Submarine is a quirky, indie, youth romance dramedy (BUZZWORDS! PORTMANTEAUS!) that everyone seems to love.  Like, literally everyone.  It’s currently tracking 100% on RottenTomatoes, based on 32 reviews.   It opens June 3rd in the US, but it looks like a tough sell to me, and I say this as someone who will defend Rushmore, Youth in Revolt, or Scott Pilgrim to the death (or at least to the wrestling match).  Even I’m getting a little tired of repressed, articulate, precocious, intellectual youths.  Especially ones getting laid all the time.  What, did I not wear enough ugly suits?  F*ck.
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When it was announced last week that Relativity Media would be remaking The Crow, starring goth icon, uh… Bradley Cooper… I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that literally everyone thought it was the stupidest f*cking idea in the history of the world.  Well now, a reprieve is a possibility, thanks to an unlikely source: The Weinstein Company.  TWC says Relativity doesn’t own the rights, and therefore can’t sell them, as they’ve been attempting to do.

“If somebody tries to buy those rights other than the Weinsteins, those people will be simply buying a lawsuit,” said TWC attorney Bert Fields, who filed the suit in LA Superior Court.

THE CROW REMAKE?? CAW! CAW! BANG! F*CK! IT’S DEAD!

Dispute centers on a contract between TWC and Relativity — signed “as of March 25, 2009″ — that the suit claims gives TWC exclusive rights to sequels, prequels, and remakes.
“Relativity CEO Ryan Kavanaugh decided that relativity would not perform that contract and will purport to sell TWC’s distribution rights to others here and overseas in will breach of contract,” the lawsuit states.

THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE FOR RELATIVITY!  BUT WAIT! CAN I GET AN EQUALLY BIASED STATEMENT FROM THE OPPOSING SIDE!?

“This is yet another typical litigation stunt from the Weinsteins who have a long history of threatening law suits with the sole purpose of intimidation,” said Relativity in a statement. [Variety]

YOU AND YOUR JEW LAWYERS CAN’T INTIMIDATE US, WEINSTEIN!  YOU’LL HAVE TO PRY THIS BRAD COOPER CROW REMAKE FROM OUR COLD, DEAD HANDS!  OUR COMMITMENT TO TERRIBLE IDEAS IS UNMATCHED!

“But sometimes, there’s an idea so sh*tty, that a terrible sadness is carried with it, and the soul can’t rest.  Then, sometimes, just sometimes, the crow can bring its lawyers back to put the wrongs right.”  (*Stone Temple Pilots song fades in*)

"Four crumpets and seven lorries ago, a bobby knickered his crisps in the loo... "

The Weinstein Company announced today that they’ll be releasing in theaters a new PG-13 version of their best picture-winning film The King’s Speech.  The move is sure to come as a relief to the nation’s 13-17-year-olds, who’d long been breathlessly clamoring to see a historical drama about a repressed, middle-aged British man learning to manage his stammer.  CLAMOR NO MORE, TEENAGERS!  GATHER ROUND, AND FILL THINE HEARTS WITH FIRTH; THINE SOULS WITH MIRTH!

THE KING’S SPEECH PG-13, the family-friendly version of its Academy Award-winning historical drama will open on 1,000 screens nationwide on April 1, and will be the only version available in theatres. The announcement was made by TWC’s President of Theatrical Distribution and Home Entertainment Eric Lomis.

Said Lomis, “We are thankful to the MPAA for their wisdom and swift action in approving the release of THE KING’S SPEECH PG-13 release.  The action enables those to whom it speaks most directly – young  people who are troubled by stuttering, bullying and similar trials — to see it.”

The emotional impact of stuttering that was illuminated by THE KING’S SPEECH continues to be a topic of conversation with the recent statements by Vice President Joseph Biden about his own struggles with stammering.  The release of THE KING’S SPEECH PG-13 offers families nationwide access to a positive story about stuttering and overcoming obstacles and social stigmas. [From the official press release]

Yeah, and 50 Cent’s new movie is about cancer, which is a much bigger problem than stuttering, but that doesn’t mean anyone should see it.  The release doesn’t say whether Colin Firth’s “F_ck f_ckity f_ck” scene was cut or whether the MPAA just changed their rating based on the film dealing with such an “important issue” (*dismissive wank*).  But they do refer to the PG-13 film as a “version”, which would seem to imply that it is different.  If so, it’s nice that the PG-13 cut is now the only version being shown, because God forbid the 80% of us who don’t really care one way or another about swearing be allowed to make our own decisions free of the ever-vigilant morality police (whom I assume are mostly child-molesting priests and secretly-gay politicians anyway).  But if it turns out “raising awareness” is just a way to relax the standards of PG-13, I’m okay with that.  Remember when they showed that chick’s bush on regular television because she was one of the concentration camp Jews in Schindler’s List?  That was cool.