Opening this weekend (trailers after the jump):

Inception
That serious foghorn sound can mean only one thing: it’s motherf*cking Inception time!  I’ve been waiting for this a long time, but at this point, it doesn’t even matter whether Chris Nolan’s crazy dream heist movie is even good.  Just the perception of it as the “smart” “art” movie that they didn’t know how to market makes me want to drag everyone I know into the theater.  Can you imagine that?  “We don’t know how to sell this movie. It’s awesome and everyone likes it so far, but it’s too original. How do you expect me to find an audience for this?”  Honestly, even if this doesn’t look good to you at all, just see it.  Buy a ticket and sneak into Predators if you want.  Because if this fails, we are f*cked.  It’ll be all dogs in sunglasses and Will Smith’s wiener kids from here on out.

Sorcerer’s Apprentice
Every TV spot for this I’ve seen included Nic Cage delivering the line, “I am the sorcerer, and you are my apprentice.”  Sweet. Good thing you cleared that up.  That said, Jay Baruchel’s ridiculous nose-kazoo voice at the beginning of the trailer makes me laugh every time.

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(Is this picture related?  Not really, but I love it.)

Opening this week:
Predators
The reviews for the Robert Rodriguez-produced, Nimrod Antal-directed Predator sequel pluralization have been middling so far, but does it really matter?  If I don’t see it, Danny Trejo says he’ll stab my family.  And I believed him, he grabbed his crotch right afterwards.

Despicable Me
Looks okay, I guess.  I didn’t see any Dreamworks face, so there’s that.  Gosh, I can’t wait to have some annoying, stupid kids.

The Kids Are All Right
Annette Bening. Julianne Moore.  Lesbos.  Everyone I know seems to be groaning at the “quirky family” ness of this one, but I don’t know.  I thought the trailer looked funny. Besides, it’s got Mark Ruffalo in it, and he’s like a boxer puppy with a bandanna around its neck.  Just wanna feed that f*cker a milk bone and scratch his chin (no homo).

Grease Sing-a-long
Playing in NY, LA, Chicago, San Francisco, Boston, Austin, Dallas, Atlanta, Seattle, San Diego, Miami, and Ocala, FL.  I think I’d rather have my genitals ridiculed by a clique of popular cheerleaders than be in a room full of people singing along to motherf*cking Grease.  Put them together and make the setting this van and you have my perfect nightmare.

Winnebago Man (NYC only)
Yes, it’s a documentary about the star of the funniest viral video of all time.  I would stab my mother to see this film.  Well, your mother anyway.  If you’re in the New York area, I would urge you to go see-  Aaaah I don’t even know what the f*ck I’m typing!  DON’T SLAM THE F*CKIN’ DOOR, TONY.   (*waves flies out of face, kicks dirt*)

Oh and check out the FilmDrunk Frotcast, you jerks. Critics are already calling it “the bro-iest circle jerk of the summer.”

WOOHOOO!  FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND!  TIME TO PARTY!  Then when we’re hungover, we can go see… uh… Sparkly vampires?  Boy wizards?  Hmm.  Opening this weekend (trailers after the jump):

Twilight Saga: Eclipse
I’m going to go see this weekend and find the hottest girl in the theater.  Then, I’m going to follow her home, break in through her window, and just sit there staring at her while she sleeps.  If she wakes up and catches me and starts screaming, I’m just going to cover her mouth while I say, “What?  I thought this was what you wanted.”

The Last Airbender
Sample reviews:

• “Shyamalan has made a dull, boring, poorly acted, limply written and thoroughly unappealing fantasy, featuring bland characters locked in a struggle of no interest.”
• “’The Last Airbender’ is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented.”
• “Let’s just be honest: M. Night Shyamalan is an idiot.”

However, everyone hated Jonah Hex too, and as I’ve pointed out, with the right attitude, that movie is hilarious and entertaining as hell.  Could that be true of Last Airbender?  Somehow I doubt it.  I tried that with Lady in the Water, and it’s one of the few movies I’ve ever seen where getting high first actually made it worse.  M. Shyalami can harsh your mellow from afar.

Love Ranch
Joe Pesci plays a pimp, Helen Mirren is a whore, I really want to see this, and of course it’s only be opening in limited release.  Ugh.  I was pretty much sold as soon as I heard Pesci would be a pimp and Helen Mirren’s character “stomps on the throat of a misbehaving prostitute,” but curiously, the reviews have been pretty bad so far.  All I know is that the guy who decided to open a movie with “ranch” in the title the same weekend Twilight opens is an evil genius.

Happy Fourth

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This is the trailer for Restrepo, a documentary about a forward base in Afghanistan. The film consists largely of actual combat footage.  I’ve heard it’s moving and intense.  You can see it this weekend… provided you live near the Angelika Theater in New York or the Landmark on Pico in L.A.  The rest of the country, we’re not mature enough for movies aimed at adults, apparently.  Instead we get…

Knight and Day
I always thought James Mangold was a pretty good director, the trailer has Muse, and the reviews have even been mildly positive, for the most part.  And I don’t always mind Tom Cruise.  He was good in Collateral and Magnolia. What really offends me is the “On three” sequence at the end of every trailer and commercial (relive the magic below). Everything about that sequence is unforgivably retarded. He says “let’s go on three” and she runs into a hail of bullets on one because “she panicked.” And this is supposed to be funny. And they thought this sequence was so indicative of the value of this movie as a whole that they play it every ten minutes on TV. NO. F*CK YOU. THAT IS TERRIBLE. IF YOU CAN’T SEE WHY THAT SEQUENCE IS TERRIBLE I DON’T WANT TO KNOW YOU.

Grown Ups
Adam Sandler’s latest paycheck. I think I’m one of the few people in the world who thinks David Spade is funny. Other than Sandler if he’s not totally mailing it in (Funny People, Punch Drunk Love), Spade is probably the best comedic actor out of this group (his old Comedy Central show where he made fun of celebrities was great). I also object to everyone’s criticism of this being based on it being full of “fart” or “toilet humor.” Look, a laugh is a laugh. A real comedian doesn’t care whether you think he’s clever or not, so long as you’re laughing. The false perception that you’re a buffoon just comes with the territory. I’ll take Tracy Morgan talking about karate kicking pregnant ladies over some half-assed political discourse any day. That said, I watch the commercials for this flick and I can barely tell where the jokes are, unless Kevin James is falling down. Dennis Dugan is a massive hack. When you’ve directed You Don’t Mess With the Zohan, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, The Benchwarmers, and National Security, you shouldn’t be directing more movies, you should be in jail.

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For movies opening this weekend, you have three main choices:

Toy Story 3
As I’ve mentioned about a trillion times now, Pixar is nearly the perfect studio.  And by that I mean the only consistently good one I can think of.  I never liked Toy Story as much as Wall E, Finding Nemo, Ratatouille, or Up, but I have a hard time imagining Pixar making a bad movie, and that seems to be borne out by the reviews — it’s still at 100% on RottenTomatoes, which is pretty incredible after 134 some reviews.  Boy, I would sure have liked to see this one for next week’s frotcast.

Cyrus
It stars Jonah Hill, John C. Reilly, and Marisa Tomei, and I don’t know how you go wrong with that cast unless it’s just two hours of John C. Reilly taking a loofah to the underside of Jonah Hill’s sack while Marisa Tomei pukes (anyone writing this down?).  The consensus among most reviewers is that it’s funny and strange in equal measure, which is exactly what I want in a movie. Would’ve been awesome if we were going to see this one.  But no.  Instead we’re seeing…

Jonah Hex
There were rumors going around a few months ago that this was a full-fledged disaster which required 50-plus script pages of reshoots.  Sony quickly denied it, but it looks like the original stories were true.  It’s currently getting a worse rating on RottenTomatoes than Killers.  How you make a worse movie than Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher as as spy couple that’s not a documentary about murdering corgi puppies is beyond me, but there you go.  Did I mention it’s only 72-minutes long?  By which I mean, OH BOY, I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THIS.  THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE WHO VOTED FOR IT.  (*flaccid gatling gun*)

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