(I’ve heard Jesse Eisenberg compared to Michael Cera before, but this picture sort of blew my mind. Via Reddit)

New in theaters this weekend:

The Social Network
That Facebook movie is out this weekend, had you heard?  I know, they should really be advertising it more. On a serious note, I thought about checking out a midnight screening of this last night so I could have a review up today, but I was tired, so we’ll just have to talk about it next week.  I haven’t loved every David Fincher movie, but none of them have been bad, and with almost everyone in the world saying it’s great, I have no reason to doubt them (comically dramatic trailers aside). Still, I’m sick of curly-haired guys always being unfairly portrayed as the villain.  GAY CLOWN-HAIRED AMERICANS ARE PEOPLE TOO, DAMMIT! I’m going to sue God in FEDERAL court.

Let Me In
Everyone was pissed when we heard the Cloverfield guy was remaking Let the Right One In, but the trailers all looked pretty good and the reviews are almost as good as The Social Network.  I’m just sad ODB isn’t here to see it.  He loved to go in.

Barry Munday (Limited Release)
This looks about as funny as a movie about a guy who gets his balls cut off could be.

Freakonomics (Limited Release)
Finally, someone blows the lid off corruption in the world of sumo wrestling.  You know, I knew something wasn’t right about those guys, I just couldn’t put my finger on it.  All this time I thought it might have been the giant diapers.

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"I hate your box, it's dark and smelly!"

Opening this Weekend

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
I’m guessing this is going to be the weekend’s big money winner.  It certainly looks Oliver Stone-y, and not necessarily in a bad way.  But it’s also an Allan Loeb script.  I try not to bash screenwriters too much, because they get blamed for a lot things that aren’t their fault, but having seen a few Allan Loeb movies now, the common thread seems to be “painfully formulaic.”  He has like 10 projects in development, and they all sound like Awesom-O pitches.  Including one in which Kevin James literally saves the rec center through MMA fighting (okay, it was the music program, but still).  Oliver Stone is the kind of director who could make formulaic work, but… without Kevin James’ pants falling down, where’s the drama?

Buried
You can read my review here.  I honestly want as many people to see this as possible so I can prove that I’m not crazy.  Everyone seems to like this film.  Granted, I was a little drunk when I saw it at Sundance (it was a midnight screening), but my honest, non-contrarian reaction was that I hated it.   Not in a haha-bad kind of way, either, but in a this-feels-sleazy-and-manipulative kind of way where it actually made me angry (like Crash, or the end of Million Dollar Baby).  The people I went to the screening with hated it too.  Most of the tension relied on preposterous plot points, and the protagonist kept doing such stupid things that I just wanted him to die.  Not to mention it didn’t seem to have a point other than “look at me, I can create tension.” (which isn’t tense if you’re rooting for the protagonist to die). So please, go see this terrible movie, help me validate that I’m not out of my mind.  …For the record, Ryan Reynolds is still a sweet boy.

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole
I’ll be honest, I’m probably not going to see the Australian warrior owls movie.  But it is a Zack Snyder movie, and I’m going to keep on believing that Zack Snyder is a badass until proven otherwise.  He choreographed the fight scenes using stunt men in owl suits, for Christ sake!  I like the idea of that being someone’s job more than I’ve liked any of my jobs.

You Again
Haha, Betty White is horny and on Twitter.  It’s hilarious, because she’s old and old people don’t do that stuff.   Kristen Bell plays a character who used to be ugly. Seriously.  Like with glasses and pony tails and fake acne and everything.  So embarrassing!

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^{Don’t worry, I’m still doing a normal Weekend Preview post.  I just thought we could also enjoy Machete’s Lindsay Lohan butchering the English language.  Unless… is leprosy an STD?  (thanks to Dan M for the tip)}

OPENING THIS WEEKEND (trailers after the jump)

The Movie: Machete, what happens when people stop being polite, and start f*cking with the wrong Mexican.
The Buzz: Most people seemed to like it more than I did, and I admit, aside from Grindhouse/Planet Terror, I was never much of a Robert Rodriguez fan.  There’s lots to love (just like your mom’s AdultFriendfinder profile), I just wish it was better.  And I wholly support putting Danny Trejo in every movie possible.  Actual exchange during a Danny Trejo radio interview: FILMDRUNK COMMENTER PAULY: “You’re like the Mexican Chuck Norris.”  DANNY TREJO: “Chále, Chuck Norris dresses like me for Halloween.”

The Movie: Going the Distance, a long-distance relationship comedy starring Justin Long and Drew Barrymore
The Buzz: Despite the fatal flaw of having Drew Barrymore play the lead in a rom-com, it’s actually gotten good reviews out of a couple people I respect, and has It’s Always Sunny’s Charlie Day, comedian Jim Gaffigan, and Rob Riggle in supporting roles (not to mention Jason Sudeikis and Ron Livingston).  I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s decent, but when someone says “starring Drew Barrymore!” all I hear is “step inside for a painful anal probe!

The Movie: The American, George Clooney plays an aging hitman who thinks he’s beyond redemption when on his last job, a mysterious stranger changes everything because we’ve never seen that before.
The Buzz:  (*snoooooore*) Wha? What happened?  Put it back on, I was just resting my eyes.

Notable Limited Releases:
A Woman, A Gun, And a Noodle Shop:  Hero director Zhang Yimou’s remake of the Coen Brothers Blood Simple opens today in New York and LA. Little known fact: 50 Cent once had a song about “taking you to the noodle shop” the he wisely left on the cutting room floor.

Louis CK: Hilarious: Documentary on comedian Louis CK featuring mostly footage of his stand up is now playing in Austin, Boston, San Francisco, Chicago, LA, New York, Philadelphia, and DC. I wouldn’t want more of the guy who famously wrote, “I want to rub my father’s c*ck all over Sarah Palin’s fat t*ts.”  I love that man.

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This might not be related, but I really wanted to have Old Dirty Bastard singing Buttercup at the top of the page for the weekend.

OPENING THIS WEEKEND (trailers below)

• Piranha 3D.  Having a clever marketing campaign was one thing, but a movie called “Piranha 3D” tracking 83% on RottenTomatoes is an achievement on another level. Plus, it’s filled with gore and boobs and porn stars.  Heck, I’ll bite.  Get it?  Piranhas?  ‘Bite’?  Ow, hey, where’d this pie come from?
• The Switch.  THE JASON BATEMAN DOLL MUST NOT BE TRUSTED.  That is all.
• Lottery Ticket.  I respect the fact that they didn’t try to squeeze any whiteys into the cast to make it “more commercial.”  However, I’ll still be locking my car doors when I drive through its theaters.  I kid, I kid.  I’ll say this, I guarantee it will be funnier than Dinner for Schmucks.
• The Movie That Shall Not Be Named.  Well, at least we know this guy liked it.

FILMDRUNK RECOMMENDS: Inception, Scott Pilgrim (though you might hate it), The Other Guys (to a lesser extent), Cyrus.

But really, who needs movies when you’ve got the Frotcast? (Subscribe on iTunes, subscribe to the non-iTunes RSS feed)

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OPENING THIS WEEKEND (trailers after the jump)

• Cats & Dogs 2: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
  “Kitty Galore?”  Really?  Didn’t “pussy” used to be an inoffensive way to say “cat?”  Anyway, it looks like a great movie to take your pussy kids to.

• Charlie St. Cloud
  It may be tracking just below 20% among top critics at Rotten Tomatoes and star Zac Efron as a sailing champion who plays baseball with his dead brother, but if you read my recreation of the plot using quotes from expository reviews and you aren’t at least a little bit curious, I don’t know what to tell you.  It sounds like the sailingest, most dead-brother-baseball film of the summer.  FAH GET YA SCHAWLASHIP TA STAN FUHD, CHAHLIE! THAT GOIL NEEDS YA HELP! LISTEN TO ME, CHAHLIE, I’M YA DEAD BROTHAH!

• Dinner for Schmucks
  The premise sounds terrible, it’s a remake, and the director has movies like Goldmember and Meet the Fockers on his resume (but also Meet the Parents and Recount).  But I don’t know how you go wrong with this solid a cast.  Steve Carell, Zach Galifianakis, Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords, Paul Rudd, Ron Livingston, BRUCE F*CKING GREENWOOD; hell, I’d watch these guys re-enact one of Gwyneth Paltrow’s salsa recipes.

Finally, if you see one movie this weekend, make it this week’s FilmDrunk Frotcast, with our interview of Rob Huebel and review of Olivia Munn’s book. …Okay, so maybe it’s not a movie.  But riddle me this: can you watch a movie while riding a unicycle, or doing squat thrusts?  I thought not.  Advantage: Frotcast.

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