Well, the resale value on this spaceship is absolutely f*cked.

Opening Everywhere: Star Trek Into Darkness

Maybe Opening Somewhere: Erased, The English Teacher

FilmDrunk Suggests: I expect Star Trek to be great, and a lot of my dorkier friends who don’t mind being jammed into crowded theaters at midnight told me that it was just that. I just figure that as people are still bitching and moaning about Iron Man 3 that this will be the next to be nitpicked to death. Oh the irony of imperfect people demanding perfection from films. They can’t all be RED.

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“Clear your mind… and then name how many movies have already done this.”

Opening Everywhere: Peeples, The Great Gatsby

Opening Somewhere, Maybe: Aftershock

Opening Probably Nowhere: Assault on Wall Street

FilmDrunk Suggests: Head down to your local library and check out some old Choose Your Own Adventure books. And then read them while you listen to Jay-Z and the Black Eyed Peas.

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BOOP BEEP ZORP ZOP

Opening Everywhere: Iron Man 3, The Iceman

FilmDrunk Suggests: DUNNNNNNNN DUN DUN DUN DUN!!! F*CK YEAH, IRON MAN! I’m actually more excited that the horrible run of spring weekends is over. I’ve never been so bored week after week. This summer better be strong. Looking at you, White House Down.

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Opening Everywhere: Pain and Gain, The Big Wedding

Opening Somewhere: Mud

FilmDrunk Suggests: I don’t know. I can’t stop singing, “My name is Mud…” to myself. And it’s not the whole song. It’s just, “My name is Mud…” and then I mumble what I remember of Les Claypool’s bass line.

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The date was nothing but awkward after Olga tried to give Tom road head.

Opening Everywhere: Oblivion, The Lords of Salem

Movie That Made Me Almost Slam My Head Against The Desk Before I Actually Looked At The Synopsis: In the House. Seriously, I thought this was going to be a movie about Nick Cannon returning to college only to realize that his old frat has turned into a bunch of nerds, so he uses his street cred to turn them all into suave ladies men who can break out into choreographed dance routines out of nowhere. Fortunately, it’s a drama about some French people or something.

FilmDrunk Suggests: Vince liked Oblivion and gave it a B+. You can read all about that in his review, which he wrote for you to read. I think Oblivion looks good, so I think that sums up the purpose of this part of the Weekend Movie Guide. Geez, get off my back.

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