This being a blog dedicated to movies (ostensibly, tenuously), I thought I’d be remiss if I didn’t occasionally throw on my reporter’s hat (foam, cowboy) and scream into my imaginary bullhorn, “YO, HERE’S WHAT’S COMING OUT THIS WEEK, TURKEYS!” So yo, here’s my new guide-like thing to what’s out this week.
RANGO: The Johnny Depp-voiced Hunter Thompson lizard loose in the desert.
RottenTomatoes Score: 85%
Gratuitous review quotes:
“The odd thing about “Rango” is that unlike so many of its peers, it is odd. In spite of a profile that should place it alongside “Megamind” and “Despicable Me” and the long list of other overblown, have-fun-or-else cartoons, this rambling, anarchic tale is gratifyingly fresh and eccentric.” –NYTimes
“It’s completely soulless. Written in a spirit of strained homage by John Logan and directed by Gore Verbinski (of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise), seems to be made for an audience of jaded Sergio Leone fanatics.” –ChicagoTribune
Armchair analysis: The only thing I like more than anthropomorphic animals is Hunter S. Thompson. I’m there. Note to animators: More anthropomorphic animals, please, and less creepy kids. Actually, forget animators, that goes for everyone.
—-
THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU: Matt Damon and Olivia Wilde star in Dark City, basically. Also the name of the couch I scratch my balls on.
RottenTomatoes Score: 70%
“The Adjustment Bureau” is a smart and good movie that could have been a great one if it had a little more daring. -Roger Ebert
They have the power to walk through doors in one part of New York and come out in another. That power involves hats. Magic hats. Natty fedoras, mostly. Look, I told you it was loopy. -Florida Times-Union
Armchair analysis: I want to care, I really do, but I feel like I’ve already seen it. On vinyl. Before anyone else knew about it. (*finishes soy chai, rides off on fixed gear*)
—-
BEASTLY: A modern retelling of Beauty and the Beast in which Alex Pettyfer is handsome, but a total jerk, so Mary-Kate Olsen turns him ugly, which of course mean bald and with a few tattoos over his magnificent bone structure.
RottenTomatoes Score: 21%
Beastly gets one timeless fact right: For hatchet faces, fatty cakes and Frankenskanks, high school can definitely feel like a curse. -Liam Lacey, GlobeandMail
Hey! Fatty Cakes and the Frankenskanks was the name of my Doo Wop group!
You have to admire the bravery of the filmmakers, who went ahead and made a movie despite not understanding the subject matter. It’s also pretty impressive that anyone could miss the point of Beauty and the Beast. -EricSnider, Film.com
Armchair analysis: This might actually be awesome in a so-bad-it’s-good kind of way. …Okay, you caught me. I desperately want to squeegee my hot jizz off Alex Pretty fur’s six-pack. Oh whatever, you were already thinking it.
—
TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT: Hey, remember the 80s? Hey, remember Topher Grace?
RottenTomatoes Score: 32%
They speak entirely in plot points and punchlines and seem to be motivated only by lust, greed and ego. Well, we all are, but few bring to this motivation so little intelligence and wit. –Roger Ebert
Completely unoriginal, sure, but watchable and even likable. -Ty Burr, Boston Globe
A reasonably watchable immersion in nostalgia. -Stephen Holden, New York Times
Armchair analysis: I’m sure it’s not that bad, but I hate this movie with a passion and I haven’t even seen it. Everything about it just screams, “HEY, REMEMBER ADVENTURELAND? REMEMBER THE SUBTLETY AND CHARM? THAT DIDN’T WORK, SO WE WENT BACK AND ADDED ARCHETYPES AND PANDERING.” Any movie named after popular song lyrics can suck it, and that goes triple if they actually use the song in the trailer.
—
LIMITED RELEASE:
I SAW THE DEVIL: Delightfully violent-looking Korean revenge flick. Yeah, I’d see that.
UNCLE BOONME WHO CAN RECALL HIS PAST LIVES: Critically-acclaimed Thai movie looks pretty boring, but does feature a woman having sex with a catfish, so there’s that.
STILL OUT:
CEDAR RAPIDS: With its staggered release, you never know where it’s playing, but I assume it’s made it somewhere near your town by now. I saw it. I loved it. I found it hilarious AND oddly touching, and I myself have been described the same way. And even if you’re not a sentimental prick like me, you’d have to admit John C. Reilly is god d*mned amazing in this. Or else I would fight you. Go see it so they make more comedies for adults.