Ta da, it’s your invisible ticket.

The box office chugged along unremarkably this weekend, with a series of films no one much cared about doing middling business. Hopefully I’ve already hooked you with this lede. Oz is doing okay business, but it’s not the kind of Alice in Wonderland-style success Disney was hoping for. Meanwhile, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone was either far from incredible or failed to make magic at the box office, depending on which hack headline you prefer. At $10.3 million, it opened half-again lower than even Semi Pro ($15.1 million), and made just a third of Blades of Glory’s opening ($33 million) on the same weekend in 2007 – thanks to BoxOfficeMojo for that thoroughly damning comparison. And that was all while side splitting and crowd pleasing its way to a rousing C+ Cinemascore. Jack Reacher, John Carter, Burt Wonderstone – hey, maybe stop naming movies after the lead character now.

I’m not sure studios are capable of making a decent comedy anymore. Every non-indie gets focused-grouped to hell, and running all your jokes by Joe Sixpack and Darla Diabetes first is a sure-fire way to ruin them. My favorite part of the Burt Wonderstone trailer was where they illustrated lackluster audience enthusiasm by using actual cricket sound effects. WE MADE A JOKE, DID YOU CATCH THAT, AMERICA? But for every Burt Wonderstone there’s an Identity Thief, 2013′s second-highest-grossing movie behind Oz, despite even worse reviews than Wonderstone. And if you’re only thinking short-term profit and not long-term health of the medium, that’s a win. It’s dumb. Come on, studio people, you’re going to be replaced in 18 months anyway, you might as well make movies you enjoy. It’s working for Megan Ellison.

1. Oz: The Great and Powerful (Disney) – $42 million ($144 mil. total)
2. The Call (Sony) – $17 million
3. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (Warner Bros.) – $10.3 million
4. Jack The Giant Slayer (Warner Bros.) – $6 million ($54 mil. total)
5. Identity Thief (Universal) – $4.6 million ($124 mil. total)
6. Snitch (Lionsgate/Summit) – $3.5 million ($37 mil. total)
7. 21 and Over (Relativity) – $2.7 million ($22 mil. total)
8. Silver Linings Playbook (The Weinstein Company) – $2.5 million ($125 mil. total)
9. Escape From Planet Earth (The Weinstein Company) – $2.4 million ($52 mil. total)
10. Safe Haven (Relativity) – $2.4 million ($67 mil. total) [Indiewire]

The one bright spot on the weekend was Spring Breakers, which opened in New York and LA, where it earned an impressive $90,000 per theater for Megan Ellison’s Annapurna Pictures and distribution partner A24. That’s good enough per-screen average for 22nd all time. If there’s a lesson to be learned here, it’s that America loves art films. The people have spoken loud and clear, saying “we want a thought-provoking critique of crass commercialism!” Right? I mean that’s the only explanation. It could only be that or the underage tits.

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It’s Jack and giant Slayer, get it???

If you were barely aware of which movies were even opening this weekend, you weren’t the only one. The top 12 were down 38 percent from last year, “led” by Bryan Singer’s Jack the Giant Slayer, which earned $28 million, which wouldn’t be so bad if the budget hadn’t been $200 million. Under the circumstances, it’s quasi-Eddie Murphy-esque. The John Carter comparisons abound, but it didn’t seem like Jack the Giant Slayer was marketed half as hard.

21 and Over, meanwhile, didn’t even break the $10 million mark, causing many to wonder if the Asian-guy-has-to-get-to-his-med-school interview plot device isn’t as classic as once believed. God, I hope nothing happens to “I’m late for a big meeting with the Japanese.”  The consequences for hack comedy writers could be devastating. Anyway, 21 and Over didn’t cost much, but it was still a disappointment, considering its opening was less than half of Project X. But hey, that’s what you get for not emphasizing the nudity in your marketing. Project X‘s trailers had tits and fire. 21 and Over just had an Asian guy yelling that he was Spider-Man.

1. Jack The Giant Slayer (Warner Bros.) – $28 million, budget: $195m
2. Identity Thief (Universal) – $9.7 million ($107 mil.), budget: $35m
3. 21 and Over (Relativity) – $9 million, budget: $13m
4. The Last Exorcism II (CBS Films) – $8 million
5. Snitch (Lionsgate/Summit) – $7.7 million ($24.4 mil.)
6. Safe Haven (Relativity) – $6.3 million ($57 mil.)
7. Escape From Planet Earth (The Weinstein Company) – $6.2 million ($43.2 mil.)
8. Silver Linings Playbook  (The Weinstein Company) – $5.9 million ($115.5 mil.)
9. A Good Day To Die Hard (Fox) – $4.5 million ($59.6 mil.)
10. Dark Skies (The Weinstein Company/Dimension) – $3.5 million ($13.4 mil.) [Indiewire, BoxOfficeMojo]

Do you realize that Identity Thief is the number one movie of 2013? I know the year is young, but seriously, Identity Thief.

Identity Thief was a movie hardly anyone liked starring an actress critic Rex Reed referred to variously as “tractor sized” and “a hippo,” but just like the mighty hippo of the thundering Zambezi, Identity Thief grossed almost $37 million at the box office this weekend. Does that simile work? Whatever, I’ll check it later.

At 3,141 locations, Identity Thief earned an estimated $36.6 million this weekend. That’s one of the best openings ever for an original R-rated comedy, and it’s director Seth Gordon’s top start ahead of Four Christmases ($31.1 million) and Horrible Bosses ($28.3 million). It’s also way up from Melissa McCarthy’s Bridesmaids ($26.2 million); all three of the aforementioned titles wound up closing with at least $117 million, which suggests a $100 million finish is within reach for Identity Thief.
The Top 12 wound up earning an estimated $89.6 million this weekend, which is off a whopping 48 percent from last year when The Vow and Safe House both opened to over $40 million.
Universal is projecting that Winter Storm Nemo knocked around 10 percent off the weekend, which lines up with what competitive studios are estimating as well. This suggests that, without the storm, Identity Thief could have debuted north of $40 million.
Universal is reporting that the audience was 58 percent female (meaning McCarthy’s fans showed up alongside date-night audiences) and 57 percent were 30 years of age or older. The movie received a middling “B” CinemaScore, which isn’t surprising given the movie’s atrocious 24 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. [BoxOfficeMojo]

$37 million on a down weekend with terrible reviews and bad word of mouth is nothing short of incredible. If studios weren’t trying to stick Melissa McCarthy in everything before, they sure as hell will be now. At some point, she and Rebel Wilson may have to fight. I’m okay with that, but it’d be nice if she picked better projects than a buddy-cop movie with Sandra Bullock with jokes broader than a Mexican soap opera. I didn’t see Identity Thief, if only because it involved someone getting hit in the face with something in the trailer, which hasn’t boded well for comedy since The Three Stooges. No thanks. If I wanted to watch someone get hit in the face in a trailer, I’d hang out with your mom.

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Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters earned almost $20 million in its opening weekend, proving that I’ve completely misunderstood human nature my whole life. I haven’t felt this alienated from my fellow man since the last time someone mentioned any of today’s popular television or music or children’s names. Hansel/Gretel’s opening was three million better than Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, and while critics hated it (15 percent on RottenTomatoes), audiences… well, audiences thought it was just sort of meh too, giving it a B cinemascore. Hooray for a dearth of options!

Elsewhere, Parker landed in fifth with just $7 million, even worse than the last Stafe movie. It’s all part of my thesis, No One Actually Likes J-Lo. Below even that was Movie 43, with just $5 million.

In seventh place, star-studded comedy anthology Movie 43 tanked with just $5 million. That’s lower than practically any comparable titles, including spoof comedy Disaster Movie ($5.8 million). The audience skewed younger (59 percent under 25 years of age) and about even on gender (51 percent male), and they gave the movie an atrocious “D” CinemaScore. [BoxOfficeMojo]

Yep, even stoned teenagers hated it. It should be noted, though, that it only cost $6 million to make. Still, the savage reviews (5% on RT) were mean enough that the Farrelly Brothers (who produced and directed a segment) felt compelled to answer back::

To the critics: Movie 43 is not the end of the world. It’s just a $6-million movie where we tried to do something different. Now back off. P

— Farrelly Brothers (@farrellybros) January 27, 2013

To the critics: You always complain that Hollywood never gives you new stuff, and then when you get it, you flip out. Lighten up. P

— Farrelly Brothers (@farrellybros) January 27, 2013

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Oh hey there, Jessica Chastain’s boobs

The Guillermo Del Toro-produced Mama debuted at number one over the weekend, once again proving that modestly-budget horror movies are the closest thing to selling legalized crack. It also benefited from the lead actress’s Oscar nomination coinciding with its release. I didn’t see it, but I’ve been sneaking up behind all my friends and whispering “…mama.” all weekend. Meanwhile, Broken City, Allen Hughes’ first solo-directed film without his brother, Albert, with whom he directed Menace II Society, Dead Presidents, and Book of Eli, landed down at number five, with a fairly uninspired nine million. Let’s face it, you dump a movie starring Mark Wahlberg and Russell Crowe into a mid-January release, it’s a pretty good indication that that movie is a fartbomb.

Estimated domestic box office totals for Friday to Sunday.

1. Mama (Universal/Entertainment One) NEW – Cinemascore: B-; Metacritic score: 58

$28,100,000 in 2,647 theaters; PSA (per screen average): $12,530; Cumulative: $28,100,000

2. Zero Dark Thirty (Sony) Week 5; Last weekend: #1

$17,600,000 (-28%) in 2,946 theaters (+9); PSA: $5,974; Cumulative: $55,945,000

3. Silver Linings Playbook (Weinstein) Week 10 ; Last weekend: #10

$11,351,000 (+126%) in 2,523 theaters (+1,713); PSA: $4,499; Cumulative: $55,310,000

4. Gangster Squad (Warner Brothers) Week 2; Last weekend: #3

$9,100,000 (-47%) in 3,103 theaters (unchanged); PSA: $2,936; Cumulative: $32,220,000

5. Broken City (20th Century-Fox) NEW – Cinemascore: B; Metacritic score: 49

$9,000,000 in 2,620 theaters; PSA: $3,435; Cumulative: $9,000,000

But perhaps the biggest story of the weekend is that The Last Stand, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s return to the movies after a nine-year hiatus spent banging maids and governing states, which had all the country’s most obvious-minded critics shouting “Arnold Schwarzenegger is back!”, debuted all the way at number 10, with an estimated $6.6 million.With its $45 million production budget, Indiewire estimates that Lionsgate could be looking at a $50 million loss, unless it makes it up internationally. Though that doesn’t factor in The Last Stand‘s Corvette sponsorship money. But not only did hardly anyone see it, the ones that did gave it a fairly lukewarm B cinemascore. Which is odd, because the Rex Ryan-esque man sitting next to me at my screening kept yelling “HA!” so loud at every joke I thought he was going to shake loose a molar. I didn’t like it that much, but… I don’t know, it seemed like a crowd-pleaser. It does seem weird to have so many hyper-violent, R-rated movies that otherwise seem to be aimed at 10-year-olds.

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