Hey, come on, guys, Tower Heist wasn't THAT bad...

The big news at the box office this week was that Brett Ratner’s torn-from-the-headlines tale of greed and sassy fat Jamaicans, Tower Heist, was a huge disappointment, landing in second place and bringing in $10 million less than most analysts projected. That would be great news, I guess, except the excitement is tempered somewhat by the fact that people expected Brett Ratner’s schmucky, bad vaudeville romp to make $35 million in the first place. Meanwhile 50/50, the rare non-genre-garbage movie that was actually about something, has made $32 million so far in its entire six-week run.

It seems like it used to be that studios would put out a movie they thought was good and maybe it would be a disappointment, and then decide, okay, the crowd has spoken. These days, it just seems like the crap gets shoved down everyone’s throat before anyone has a chance to make a decision, because that’s what someone assumed the public wants. I know, I know, no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public and all of that, but that doesn’t mean you’re supposed to try. Come on, tell me that wasn’t the idea behind Jack and Jill.

Anyway, Puss in Boots was number one for the second weekend in a row with $33 million and blah blah blah who cares. Full top 10 after the jump.

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Paranormal Activity 3 grossed $54 million over the weekend, outgrossing the previous two PA movies and breaking the previous all-time record for September-October openings held by Jackass 3D. Meanwhile, Three Musketeers landed at number four behind Footloose and Real Steel with just $8.8 million. But I guess that’s what happens when you cancel all your press screenings and try to open a movie with no big stars in it in secret (Milla Jovovich thought the marketing campaign sucked, and I agree with her). Why, it’s almost as if Orlando Bloom isn’t an automatic, walk-off, box office grand slam.

[via BoxOfficeMojo]

It has to be a bummer for cinematographers that a 3D movie about flying pirate ships attached to zeppelins that cannon fight made less than a sixth of a film made out of surveillance footage of a bathroom where the big scare is a curtain that moves on its own. (*sigh*) It’s like no one respects a spectacle anymore. (*rides off on unicycle juggling monkeys holding sparklers*)

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Crap movies stunk up the box office this weekend, with The Big Year winning the prize for stinkiest. There were three new releases out, including two that were remakes (The Thing, Footloose) and one whose synopsis suggested it was about birdwatching. Meanwhile, its trailer implied that it was about Jack Black falling down. It’s hard to say which was the smaller draw, but The Big Year ended up winning this weekend’s bed-sh*tting contest, grossing a pathetic $3.3 million. Unflattering comparisons abound. Here are the bullet points:

• Steve Martin’s worst opening since 1994′s Mixed Nuts (and that was before those Pink Panther movies)
• Barely better than Tenacious D: Pick of Destiny ($3.2 million)
• Worse than Owen Wilson’s previous biggest bomb, 2004′s The Big Bounce

It reviewed equally poorly, tracking 41% on RottenTomatoes with the most favorable reviews citing its lack of profanity. Pixar makes great movies without profanity too, and there’s a reason no reviewer has ever felt the need to point this out. In a perfect world, the critic would run out of compliments long before he got to “doesn’t swear.”

Elsewhere, Footloose was mildly disappointing at the box office ($16.1 million, worse than Stomp the Yard and the first two Step Up movies) despite garnering mostly positive reviews. I would’ve seen it, but judging by the fact that 80% of all network TV is shows about singing and dancing, I get the feeling I’m wildly out of touch with the rest of the world vis a vis how much I want to watch people sing and dance.

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"Five. Five Dollar. Five dollar foot loooong...."

Everything was coming up Dolphin at the box office this weekend, with Morgan Freeman and Marine Biologist Harry Connick Jr. leading all comers with $14.2 million. But in terms of new releases, 50/50 led with $8.86 million, barely $50 grand ahead of Courageous (which could change when final numbers are released this afternoon). Now, if you’re anything like me, you probably just thought, “Courageous? What the hell is Courageous?” The answer is that it’s a Jesus movie from Sherwood Pictures, the same company behind Kirk Cameron’s Fireproof. And it made its $8 million in half as many theaters as 50/50.

Keep in mind, I hadn’t heard of this movie before today, and I write a movie blog. The fourth film from Sherwood (whose films, Flywheel, Facing Giants, Fireproof, and now Courageous) have all been written and directed by pastor Alex Kendrick, Courageous had a budget of $1 million, their biggest to date. In the hopes of familiarizing you with it, so you don’t one day pick it up by accident at the movie store and burn your heathen skin on the box, I thought we’d play the plot recreated with reviews game. But remember: celebrate, don’t ridicule. Persecution is what powers them, like that nuclear dude in Superman 4 with the sun.

The film’s co-writer and director, Alex Kendrick, stars as Adam Mitchell, a police officer struggling to uphold his professional duties while providing spiritual guidance to his family. -NY Times

It follows four Albany, Georgia (the home of Sherwood Baptist) sheriff’s deputies, Adam (Alex Kendrick), Nathan (Ken Bevel), Shane (Kevin Downes) and David (Ben Davies) – -Orlando Sentinel

— (three Anglo, one African-American) — -Christianity Today

and one Hispanic laborer… -Village

…who are tested by the small city’s gang and drug problems, something the sheriff identifies, through statistics, as being the product of kids growing up in fatherless homes. -Orlando Sentinel

Adam frets over the father he wants to be to his young daughter and aspiring track star teenage son. Nathan is trying to keep his 15 year-old daughter beyond the reach of “saggy pants”  — older teens who are nothing but trouble to girls that age. -Orlando Sentinel

The deputies are close enough friends to talk about their personal lives, with Adam and Nathan pointing to God and the Bible as their guideposts. -Orlando Sentinel

Shane and David have different backgrounds and just listen, patiently, to their proselytizing colleagues... -Orlando Sentinel

…who renew their commitment to Christ and their children when one of them, Adam, loses his daughter in a car accident shortly after refusing to playfully dance with her. -VillageVoice

He fondly watches his daughter dancing in the grass, but self-consciously turns down her request that he dance with her, telling her he’ll dance with her in his heart. -Christianity Today

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This weekend was supposed to be the weekend we found out that putting an actor only girls like into a premise only guys like is as horrible an idea as that sounds, but it didn’t quite work out that way. True, Abduction opened in fourth behind Brad Pitt’s Moneyball and Marine Biologist Harry Connick Jr.’s Dolphin Tale, but its $11.2 million take still put it ahead of Killer Elite, which starred Jason Statham, Clive Owen, and Robert Deniro. So just in case Righteous Kill and Little Fockers weren’t big enough hits to Deniro’s credibility, we now know that when it comes to opening a film, he pales in comparison to the retarded kid from Twilight. Boy, he’s really spitting on his legacy now. With a bilious mixture of mostly-digested food from one of his three stomachs, depending on how agitated he is.

Oh, and a 3D re-release of an animated Disney film from 17 years ago in its second weekend beat the opening of a new Brad Pitt movie. But I’m not going to tell you that that means the sky is falling — people really love the Lion King. And to be fair, baseball is really boring, and the best way to spice it up probably isn’t math equations. Maybe next time, turn it into some post-apocalyptic future sport, where instead of a ball, the pitchers throw ninja stars, and the batter has to try to hit them with a big snake! “This summer, Vin Diesel, Nick Cannon, and Cam Gigandet star in…  SNAKEBASE!”

[chart via BoxOfficeMojo]