Let us enjoy this Brooklyn Decker gif and then never speak of this film again

I like to pretend that I’m smart and that I can predict what people are going to do, but of course I can’t, and almost every day shows me new ways that I can still be surprised by people’s stupidity. So while I’d love to say all along that I knew a movie based on a board game was a stupid idea of epic proportions, I just saw a commercial that said NCIS is the most-watched show on television, so what the hell do I know? I don’t even know someone who knows someone who watches that show. In any case, we were right this time, so let’s enjoy it: turns out Battleship really was a stupid f*cking idea. It grossed an estimated $25 million this weekend, on a budget of at least $209 million, not including marketing. For comparison, John Carter, which cost $250 million, and supposedly lost $200 million for Disney, made $30 million in its opening weekend. So, another way to put it is, Battleship got outgrossed by a movie that lost $200 million.

"More like BattleSHIT." -Gene Shalit's ne'er-do-well brother

Battleship already made $215 million overseas, and supposedly that’s going to mitigate the losses here, but I’d like to see how much they paid in advertising to make that happen. The ads were everywhere, even starstruck foreigners don’t see crappy alien movies unless you’ve beaten them over the head with it a couple million times. Any way you look at it, it looks like a loss.

And I’m sure there will be plenty of blame to go around, from Peter Berg to Taylor Kitsch (the poor bastard who managed to star in BOTH Battleship and John Carter), even though it’s not their fault. All to avoid the obvious truth: this was a really, really, really stupid f*cking idea for a movie. Like, really stupid. From the very beginning. But of course I’m biased. I don’t want Peter Berg to take the blame for this, because I would miss interviews like this one. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, Peter Berg should direct ALL of Hollywood’s idiotic, destined-to-fail crossover ideas. HURRRR, THESE FIG NEWTONS HAVE GREAT NAME RECOGNITION, SOMEONE OPTION THIS SNACK DRAWER.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Avengers be breakin’ records, y’all. More records, I mean. Following last week’s record for the biggest domestic opening ever, it also locks up:

• Best second-weekend ever: An estimated $103.2 million (a distant second, Avatar, with $75.6)

• Fastest movie to $200 million (3 days – Number two: Dark Knight, 5 days)

• Fastest movie to $300 million (9 days – Number two: Dark Knight, 10 days)

• Fastest movie to $350 million (10 days – Number two: Dark Knight, 14 days)

• Highest eight, nine, and 10-day grosses ($299m, $342m, $373m) – Dark Knight 262, 290, 313

It’s currently at $373 domestically after 10 days in release. According to Disney, today (Sunday) it will become the 12th movie to surpass $1 billion worldwide. In the aftermath, look for Hollywood to focus on nothing but superhero movies for the next five years. Poor Meryl Streep is busy getting fitted for a cape and codpiece as we speak, while Daniel Day-Lewis is holed up in a lab somewhere, researching the actual science behind “reversing the polarity.” He’s just that method. Oscar schmoscar, he could get a Nobel for this.

Meanwhile, not to be outdone, Dark Shadows grossed an estimated $28 million. Hey! Did you guys know Dark Shadows cost $150 million to make? WHAAAAA? Who knew eyeliner was so expensive? I mean, it had to be the eyeliner, right? When Johnny Depp plays an aristocratic, colonial-era vampire, I just assume he he can just wear most of his own accessories.

Johnny Depp’s average daily wardrobe has more trinkets than Gary Busey’s bankruptcy sale.

Read the rest of this entry »

"Whatcha thinkin' bout?" "Mmmm, I dunno, fake pot."

Even before Miley Cyrus’s LOL hit theaters this weekend, people were preparing for a bomb. Lionsgate basically never gave it a chance, shelving it for two years (it was shot in 2010), and throwing it up at 105 locations with no promotion. It probably would’ve gone direct to DVD if not for a contract provision with foreign distributors saying it had to be released on at least 100 screens domestically. The result? The film’s entire opening weekend gross came to $46,500. By comparison, The Avengers, whose actual weekend gross of $207 million exceeded the already-record-breaking early estimates, earned $47,698 per theater. Yes, more than LOL‘s entire run. Aw, I hope this doesn’t mean we won’t still get to see Miley in Allan Loeb’s I’m Like, So Undercover (yes, that is a real movie).

Some math: LOL‘s per-screen average was $440. Divide that by $11, which is about your average ticket price, and it comes out to 40 people per theater who saw LOL this weekend. The closest theater to me showing LOL had five showings per day. If we take that as about standard, multiply that by three days, fifteen showings, and that’s 40 people into 15 screenings, meaning, if my math serves (and I fully acknowledge that it might not), that the average screening of LOL had LESS THAN THREE VIEWERS (2.667). Holy shit, you could have a Yanomami take attendance at those.

There undoubtedly would’ve been more viewers if Lionsgate had actually promoted the film at all, but considering it was a movie called “LOL,” in which Miley Cyrus’s character was named “Lol,” and whose stated goal was to LOL (MOVE OVER, TYLER PERRY!), pretending it never happened was probably the smartest thing they did the entire process.

Read the rest of this entry »

A couple weeks ago on the Frotcast, we held our Fantasy Summer Box Office Draft. I chose The Raven as my bomb pick, for which we count budget minus opening weekend gross (domestic box office). I wasn’t feeling that confident about my choice, if only because the budget was only $26 million. I’m still not feeling that confident about it (especially compared to $200 million-plus movies like Battleship). But luckily for me, The Raven still managed to suck-ceed all suckpectations. (Sorry, the other critics stole all the good Raven puns). Even on a crappy weekend, it managed to make less than any of the other new releases, including that Jason Statham movie with the little Asian girl. “Oi, she’w come wiv me if she wants to live, now won’ she, Tommy.”

The Raven came in last place among the newcomers with an estimated $7.25 million. It opened lower than nearly all comparable movies, including director James McTeigue’s V for Vendetta ($23.1 million) and 2001′s period serial killer movie From Hell ($11 million).

I love the idea that there are “comparable” movies. Why not Identity? That also looked like it had been written by Charlie Kaufman’s retarded brother from Adaptation, or 1408, another crappy thriller starring John Cusack? Which brings me to my next point, John Cusack has been in a lot of crappy movies.

Think Like a Man fell 47 percent to an estimated $18 million. Through ten days in theaters, the movie has already made $60.9 million, which makes it the highest-grossing movie from April 2012 ahead of Titanic 3D ($56.3 million).

Poor James Cameron may have to switch to bundles fifties for toilet paper. God help him if he gets down to twenties, those make him chafe.

Read the rest of this entry »

Expect to see a lot more “urban-targeted films” (movies with black people in them! imagine!) now that Think Like a Man (based on Steve Harvey’s book) earned $33 million in its opening weekend for ScreenGems (a subsidiary of Sony). I haven’t read the book, but knowing Steve Harvey I imagine 80% of his advice involves wearing really shiny suits. The opening was good enough to beat every Tyler Perry film except Madea Goes to Jail, which earned $41 million on the same weekend in 2009. I have to think this is better for racial understanding, in that white people don’t have to try to understand the appeal of Tyler Perry movies. Anyway, it’s unfair to call it a “black film” when it clearly had Turtle from Entourage. Talk about crossover appeal!

Meanwhile, Zac Efron’s The Lucky One opened with a very respectable $22.8 million, which was good enough for the second biggest opening ever for a Nicholas Sparks weep-queef. The biggest ever was Dear John, so I guess the fickle public was quicker to accept Channing Tatum as a lovelorn Marine than Zac Efron. Though I have to think this one would’ve made at least $10 million more if only they’d given this intolerable live-action muppet a goddamned haircut:

Every second that kid is allowed to walk around without anyone pinning him down and going to town with some clippers is like pissing on God’s face.

Read the rest of this entry »