Howdy, folks, Nolte here again. It’s been a busy week but now it’s time to relax. Personally, when I unwind I like to make myself a nice bourbon-flavored martini, tremored not stirred, garnished with a little gravel, and then find myself a clean floor to pass out on. Anyhow, here are some of the stories that were grindin my guts this week:
Bond Makes $79 Million in Product Placement
Bond hawkin Fords, I never thought I’d see it. Though I lost my virginity on the engine block of a Model T. Brings back memories. Miss that good ol’ leaded gasoline.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood, Prince
I like them magic stories. Reminds me a my 6th wife, Conchita, witch doctor I met in Guadalajara. Whittled her a ring out of a rattle snake back in ’74.
Joaquin Phoenix Retires From Acting
Sounds like he ain’t retired from railin’ percocets, I’ll tell ya that.
Princess Leia Pillow Fight
Heh, looks like my kinda party. Still, it ain’t a proper Princess Leia pillow fight till you glue razor blades to their forelegs.
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Howdy, everyone, Nick Nolte here.
Hey, wanna hear a joke? I once knew a blackjack dealer who I beat to death with a black jack. Ha, that one always cracks me up. But there’s a lot you may not know about me. Like how soaking my dentures in paint thinner gives my smile its healthy glow, or that when I was a kid I used to swindle the tooth fairy with my own kidney stones.
Anyway, it’s been a rough week for your Uncle Nort. My house damn near burnt down, and despite what you read in the papers, that shark weren’t no virgin. But hell, don’t worry about me, I’ll be alright. To get my head straight, I spent the rest of the week ridin around on the custom Harley Jesse James built me that runs on fish guts, and fillin up my new waterbed with gravel. I should be back to normal in no time. Anyhow, here’s what else was going on this week:
Random Task Accused of Gun Rape
Sounds like a despicable SOB, you ask me. Only time I ever gun raped a woman was the time I had to shake down a fetus owed me money on a craps game.
Ryan Gosling as the Green Lantern?
I don’t know much about this cart-toon business, but the lady in the picture sure is pretty.
Spider-Man is the Most Expensive Broadway Musical Ever
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for live theater. But I’ll tell ya what’s a lot cheaper’n Spiderman: a cockfight. It’s got more action and less queers dancing around too.
David Zucker the Victim of a Ticket-Taker Conspiracy
I never trusted them shifty-eyed bastards at the movie counter. Not since they made me buy an extra ticket for my pet boar, Errol. Killed ‘im myself outside Albuquerque back in ’67. Took out his insides and preserved him with turpentine and dead lizards. Now he accompanies me to the occasional show. He weren’t hurtin nobody.
Just in case you’re some kind of taintbadger who doesn’t come here every day, here’s some of what you missed this week:
The Dark Knight passed the half-billion mark, and I passed half a chipotle burrito so there.
16-year-old Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson tells us what really makes her taco pop.
Pour a little of your drank out for Don LaFontaine, the movie trailer voiceover guy.
I shouldn’t still be laughing at Kermit Bale but I am.
Some people say The Big Lebowski is ten years old now. Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.
Red band trailer for Zack & Miri Make a Porno sure to offend somebody I don’t like.
New trailer for Max Payne almost makes me forget it’s Marky Mark. Feel it feel it.
Sticky Fingaz made a rap musical well worth watching.
Women be shoppin’.
Elmo be cursin’.
Just in case you’re some kind of douchequeef who doesn’t come here every day, here’s a little taste of what you missed this week:
A Short Film Called Rabbit
When I watched this, my brain shit blood. I didn’t even know that was possible.
All Cage All the Time
Any day with two Nic Cage-related stories is a good day. I don’t care if you found out you had butt cancer.
Mark Wahlberg is a Masturbating Cat
I may not be a My Best Friend’s Girl-caliber PhotoShop ninja, but it’s the thought that counts. Right?
Voltron Movie on the Fast Track
Finally, a movie about giant robots fighting! Oh, they already did that? Well, uh, finally, a movie about giant cat-shaped robots combining to form a bigger cat-shaped, alien-fighting robot. Just like mom used to make.
Tokyo Gore Police
I don’t like to generalize, but you know who’s crazy? The Japanese.
Bill O’Reilly Introduces David Zucker’s Latest Movie
Look, I’m not saying David Zucker dursted because he became a Republican, I’m saying he dursted because he cast Chris Farley’s brother as the lead in a movie.
Superman Pulls a Hulk
Briefly, the Superman franchise is pulling a Hulk in the hopes of becoming more like Batman. I’m onboard as long as Superman doesn’t overcome Kryptonite using the power of positive thinking again. Who wrote that script, Joel Osteen?
Death Race Red-Band Trailer
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE BODIES HIT THE FL - wait, those are bodies right? And is that a floor? Christ, could you hold the fucking camera steady, I can barely tell whether bodies are actually meeting floor.
Deleted Scene From Iron Man
Solid editing job on leaving this one out. I’d watch Downey do damn near anything but the second he starts reminding me of Entourage, I’m out.
Carmen Electra Introduces Disaster Movie Clip
Carmen, I’m still waiting to hear back about Carmen Electra’s Midget Bukkake Spoogaloo. C’mon, I’ll make it 60-40. There’s no way it could be more degrading than this.
Bad News for the Watchmen Movie
Dear 20th Century Fox - if you keep this movie from being released, you’re going to have some pissed off nerds on your hands. I’m not sure what they’re capable of because I try not to touch them or make eye contact. I’ve heard they’re, like, good at computers or something.
And the comments should be fixed by Monday. Sorry for the inconvenience. In the meantime, be sure to have your retards spayed or neutered.
