Cool lens, bro

Last week, I reported that Zack Snyder (300, Watchmen) was one of five directors on the short list to direct WB’s Chris Nolan-produced Superman reboot (yes, I’m starting to hate that word too).  Snyder was my top choice for the job, and would you look at that, according to Deadline this afternoon, he’s got it.  My guess?  In the third act, Superman kills a pterodactyl with his giant blue wang.

Deadline spoke with Zack Snyder, who confirms that as soon as he completes post on Sucker Punch, he’ll move right into the Man of Steel. “I’ve been a big fan of the character for a long time, he’s definitely the king of all superheroes, he’s the one,” Snyder told Deadline. “It’s early yet, but I can tell you that what [screenwriter] David [S. Goyer] and Chris have done with the story so far definitely has given me a great insight into a way to make him feel modern.

Faster than a speeding bullet!  Slower than the slowest super slow-motion shot that ramps up to regular speed!   Eh, what can I say?  Like I said, I think Zack Snyder is a good choice.  And knowing that the guy once had his stunt men fight each other dressed like owls to choreograph Legend of the Guardians, I bet he’s got a room full of models in capes and body paint shooting “test footage” right now. He has them pretend to fly by jumping off the couch.  And onto his dong.

After the disappointment that was Superman Returns, it seemed like WB was making some solid decisions for the next Superman movie, like hiring David S. Goyer (Batman Begins, Dark Knight, Blade) to write and Chris Nolan to “mentor“.   But now the latest rumor (via Supermanhomepage) is that they want Chris Columbus to direct.  You may remember him as the guy who directed hits like Home Alone and Mrs. Doubtfire, but only because no one saw I Love You Beth Cooper, Rent, Bicentennial Man, Stepmom, or Nine Months. Yeah… I hope this is just a rumor.

Up up and to the blockquote!  (*puts on red speedo, jumps off coffee table*)

As we know, Warner Bros. are aiming to have a new Superman movie released to cinemas before the end of 2012. A source inside the studio has revealed to the Superman Homepage that an “offer has been sent out to Chris Columbus to direct the 3D Superman reboot for December 2012″.
Columbus, who directed the first two “Harry Potter” films for Warner Bros., is reportedly considered “the right fit” for the Man of Steel by those within the WB and Legendary Pictures.
Christopher Nolan will be producing the film, from a script written by David Goyer.
“David Goyer really wanted to direct but nobody from either studio think he’s good in that arena,” reveals the studio insider. “He’s great at coming up with story and ideas, like George Lucas. It’s his execution where he’s weak which is why people like Chris and Jonathan Nolan and Guillermo Del Toro have had the best results with his scripts.”

David Goyer isn’t good at directing… so you’re hiring the writer of Christmas with the Kranks to direct his script instead?  That’s like saying, “Well my wife is great at buying steaks, she’s just not the greatest cook.  Which is why next time she brings home a nice steak, I’m going to take a dump on it and light it on fire.”

After a disastrous, eventually canceled production in 1999 (chronicled in the documentary Lost in La Mancha), Terry Gilliam was finally getting The Man Who Killed Don Quixote back on track this year, reportedly picking up Ewan MacGregor and Robert Duvall to star.  Well tough sh*t for him, because now WB is making a Don Quixote movie of their own, probably with Channing Tatum doing parkour tricks off a windmill.  (*sad vuvuzela*)

Finish my math homework, Pajiba:

Warner Brothers and producer Joel Silver (Sherlock Holmes, every blockbuster action pic in the 1980s) are fast-tracking a Don Quixote film as an eventual tentpole picture.
And yes: Their intention is clear. They’re going to muck up the original story completely. It’s being described as a Pirates of Caribbean-style swashbuckling version of a story in which we discover that Don Quixote isn’t crazy and that there is, in fact, a fantasy world.  [...] This will be to Cervantes what Robert Downey’s Sherlock Holmes was to Arthur Conan Doyle. Big, brash, and kind of dumb. The pitch is out to writers now.

“Look, everyone knows Don Quixote charged a giant that turned out to be a windmill.  What our movie presupposes is… maybe it didn’t?”

…And Nic Cage is there!  He finds out he belongs to an ancient clan of knighted assassins!  And follows an ancient treasure map that leads him to another dimension, where lives an evil queen that must be defeated!  The world depends on it, but they all think he’s crazy!  And he takes along his only friends, Sancho Panza, aka Michelle Rodriguez, an explosives expert, and Dulcinea Del Toboso, a hot chick with huge jugs and swords!  CURVE THE LANCE!  BODIES HIT FLOOR!  ROCINANTE IS A CHEETAH! TICK TICK TICK… SLUTS!  (fin).

Gossip Girls star Blake Lively has signed on to star opposite Ryan Reynolds as the female lead in The Green Lantern for WB and director Martin Campbell.  The good news is she’s about 10,000 times hotter than Gwyneth Paltrow.  The bad news is that having this huge part will probably make her all uppity and now she’ll never do nude scenes. 

Lively will play Carol Ferris, who runs her father’s aerospace company and hires cocky test pilot Hal Jordan (Reynolds), who later becomes the intergalactic policeman Green Lantern. In the comics, the romance became complicated when an alien race bestowed her the power of a crystal called the Star Sapphire.

The role called for a slightly older actress but Lively, who stars in the CW’s “Gossip Girl,” impressed the studio and filmmakers with her audition.  Keri Russell and Jennifer Garner were reportedly among those in the mix for the role. [THR]

Aw, that’s cute, she’s playing someone’s boss.  What, you’ve never had a smoking hot 22-year-old blonde for a boss before?  The way I see it, this your classic Rachel Dawes conundrum.  Rachel Dawes was the hard-nosed Assistant DA in Batman.  In Batman Begins she was Katie Holmes, who’s plenty attractive, but about as believable a tough lawyer as a puppy with a stethoscope is a doctor.  In Dark Knight they replaced her with Maggie Gyllenhaal, who’s much more believable, but not exactly eye candy.  I don’t know where I was going with this, but now all I can think about is a puppy with the stethoscope.  “Nurse?  We’ll need to do a full cat scan.”

Kevin Smith’s upcoming detective comedy starring Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan was originally called A Couple of Dicks. It isn’t the edgiest title, but it was a little controversial in light of the flop of Kevin Smith’s last movie, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, which some people blamed on difficulties they had advertising it beause of the title (though I would blame it more on the movie being kind of boring and sucky).  Long story short, they had to take the dicks out.  *your mom cries*

The Movie Formerly Known as A COUPLE OF DICKS has finally settled on a (network-policy-dictated) replacement title! While we’ll always have DICKS in our hearts, the title we just now locked makes me smile on a bunch of different levels – including this 1: we can now advertise our movie properly (& ironically). And said marketing begins… on every print of SHERLOCK HOLMES, Christmas Day! [Kevin Smith's Twitter]

The new title is… Cop Out.  Pretty clever in light of the circumstances.  Though if you didn’t know the back story it’d just sound like something that stars Tim Allen and a St. Bernard.  *covers eyes with paws*

[via CHUD, FilmStage]