Opening this weekend in wide release

Wall-E
If you think you’re cuter than this robot, you probably hate yourself deep down and are subconsciously trying to make yourself feel better by overcompensating.  Maybe you were molested as a child.  I mean, I’m just sayin’.  The robot’s pretty cute. 

Wanted
I’ve read good reviews of this from critics I respect, but from the clips I’ve seen, the fancy visuals don’t outweigh James McAvoy’s facial gymnastics, the constant whining, and the bad, annoying accent.  Fancy action scenes in a movie like this seem like putting lipstick on a pig, or a monocle on a retard. Okay, that second one might actually be pretty sweet.

Hollywood desperately wants to shed its image as being all hype and no substance.  To that end, they’re already planning a sequel for Wanted, the Matrix knockoff that’s not even out yet (haven’t seen it yet, but I smell turd).  Wanted bad guy Terence Stamp tells MTV:

“I play a character who’s called Pekwarsky,” Stamp explained. “He’s an enigmatic character who doesn’t feature a lot in the first one, but it’s something that’s written for a sequel.”

Since the first Wanted has introduced the revolutionary plot device of bullets that curve, I wondered what new-twist-on-old-weaponry they’d come up with for the next one.  Here are my ideas so far: 

-Silly string grenades
-A boxing glove filled with nickels
-Haduken (note: might need to curve to be technically considered “new”)
-Crotch lasers
-Cockpunching
-Baseball bat with a nail in it
-Frank Stallone

A new clip from Wanted has hit the web, and it doesn’t have James McAvoy yelling and making funny faces, but it does have David O’Hara jumping through the window of a skyscraper onto another skyscraper.  While flying across the 50 foot-plus gap, he kills someone with a curving bullet fired from an old-timey pirate pistol. There was once a time when I actually wondered if this movie was going to be cool.  That time has passed.  This is either a total ripoff of the Matrix or it’s going to end with James McAvoy waking up in his bed going, "Man, what a cheesy dream!"

Watch the clip here, because I wouldn’t want to steal their precious exclusive. 

In conclusion, physics called.  It wants its laws back.   

After the jump, you can watch the first seven minutes of Wanted, directed by foreign jerkface Timur Bekmambetov.  This version comes with subtitles that I believe are Dutch.  Dutch is a funny language because most of the words sound like variations on "poop".

Anyway, there’s lots of shooting and curving bullets and Angelina Jolie, but what really makes it worthwhile are the many faces of James McAvoy.  What an actor!  I’m thinking of recording a tape of him yelling and whining and screaming like a little girl to help me fall asleep.  So soothing.  So pleasant.  It’s like I’m in a dew-covered meadow, being licked awake by a herd of friendly deer.

-Thanks to Robo for the tip on the video

So it turns out that the video of the office worker going apeshit (I’ve included it after the jump) that made its way around the internet faster than your sister at a frat party was actually created by Wanted director Timur Bekmambetov, as viral marketing for his movie.

I don’t know how marketing works in whatever eastern bloc shit hole he’s from (hint: it’s Kazakhstan), but last I checked, the audience has to actually associate what they’re watching with the product it was created to market in order to be effective.

Not only that, but according to an unsubstantiated account of Bekmambetov’s blog post translated by Babelfish, his aim was to mock the audience, and prove how gullible and foolish us Westerners are.  I don’t know where this a-hole gets off calling me gullible, but after I finish writing this cashier’s check to the rich Kuwaiti I met online and take these pills that will make me last all night, me, my fat wallet, and my big hard cock are going to hunt down this pinko and serve him a fist burrito.  

Know who the original kings of viral marketing were?  Viruses.