The rumors have been swirling for quite some time that a movie based on the classic anime series Voltron was in the works, but last we heard*, it was being fast tracked (didn’t happen) and a guy named Dick Suckle was producing it (he didn’t). Now you can finally rest your worries, Drunkards of the 80s. Voltron has been optioned, and we’re going to have ourselves a movie. Atlas Entertainment and Relativity Media, two companies that I’ve heard of, have hired Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer to write a script.

Donnelly just wrote the new Conan the Barbarian movie and Oppenheimer wrote Sahara if that does anything for you. Hey, it’s a start, right? Whatever, I’m excited. Let’s engage our nerd boners, producers!

“For nearly three decades, Voltron has captured the minds of a nostalgically loyal and rabid fan base and has long been considered a hotly-pursued project. We are beyond excited World Event Productions and Atlas Entertainment have placed their trust and faith in Relativity to bring this coveted property to the big screen, and usher in a new generation of devoted fans,” Relativity Media president of worldwide production Tucker Tooley said in announcing the project. (The Hollywood Reporter)

Screw it, let’s go to the video…

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A Voltron movie?  Sure, why not.

The producers behind “Get Smart”, “The International”, and “The Dark Knight” have acquired the rights to make a live-action feature, pushing the project forward after several years in development.  “Wanted” producer Jason Netter and World Events’ Ted Koplar are joining the Atlas trio (Charles Roven, Richard Suckle* [!!??!] and Steve Alexander) in producing.

“Voltron,” features a “Transformers”-like conceit, in which a band of five robot-lions combine to form one super lion. Pilots control the lions, which are charged with defending the planet Arus from villain King Zarkon, who dispatches evil creatures called Robobeats to fight the Voltron robots.

Koplar compared it favorably to “Transformers, saying that “unlike other robotic action movies, ‘Voltron’ is the personification of the human spirit, a quality that will set this movie apart.” [THR]

That’s right, the human spirit, when personified, looks like a giant robot made of smaller, lion-shaped robots driven by human pilots.  With a big sword.  I think that was in the bible.

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Just in case you’re some kind of douchequeef who doesn’t come here every day, here’s a little taste of what you missed this week:

A Short Film Called Rabbit
When I watched this, my brain shit blood.  I didn’t even know that was possible. 

All Cage All the Time 
Any day with two Nic Cage-related stories is a good day. I don’t care if you found out you had butt cancer.

Mark Wahlberg is a Masturbating Cat
I may not be a My Best Friend’s Girl-caliber PhotoShop ninja, but it’s the thought that counts.  Right?

Voltron Movie on the Fast Track
Finally, a movie about giant robots fighting!  Oh, they already did that?  Well, uh, finally, a movie about giant cat-shaped robots combining to form a bigger cat-shaped, alien-fighting robot.  Just like mom used to make.

Tokyo Gore Police
I don’t like to generalize, but you know who’s crazy?  The Japanese.

Bill O’Reilly Introduces David Zucker’s Latest Movie
Look, I’m not saying David Zucker dursted because he became a Republican, I’m saying he dursted because he cast Chris Farley’s brother as the lead in a movie.

Superman Pulls a Hulk
Briefly, the Superman franchise is pulling a Hulk in the hopes of becoming more like Batman.  I’m onboard as long as Superman doesn’t overcome Kryptonite using the power of positive thinking again.  Who wrote that script, Joel Osteen?

Death Race Red-Band Trailer
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE BODIES HIT THE FL – wait, those are bodies right?  And is that a floor?  Christ, could you hold the fucking camera steady, I can barely tell whether bodies are actually meeting floor.

Deleted Scene From Iron Man
Solid editing job on leaving this one out. I’d watch Downey do damn near anything but the second he starts reminding me of Entourage, I’m out.

Carmen Electra Introduces Disaster Movie Clip
Carmen, I’m still waiting to hear back about Carmen Electra’s Midget Bukkake Spoogaloo.  C’mon, I’ll make it 60-40.  There’s no way it could be more degrading than this. 

Bad News for the Watchmen Movie
Dear 20th Century Fox – if you keep this movie from being released, you’re going to have some pissed off nerds on your hands.  I’m not sure what they’re capable of because I try not to touch them or make eye contact.  I’ve heard they’re, like, good at computers or something.

And the comments should be fixed by Monday.  Sorry for the inconvenience.  In the meantime, be sure to have your retards spayed or neutered. 

Today I have the good fortune of bringing you the news we’ve all been waiting for: the Voltron movie is back on.

Relativity Media is in negotiations to back the property, though on a more moderate budget, utilizing the type of cost-effective technology employed in films including "300."

He-Man scribe Justin Marks penned the screenplay which is being described as “a post-apocalyptic tale set in New York City and Mexico” which follows “five ragtag survivors of an alien attack [who] band together and end up piloting the five lion-shaped robots that combine and form the massive sword-wielding Voltron that helps battle Earth’s invaders.” Marks is also working on the Green Arrow prison break film SuperMax and a new Street Fighter spin-off. LatinoReview called the script “a fucking masterpiece” and CinemaBlend called it “a well put together, well intentioned, incredibly faithful Voltron script using modern sensibilities.” [/Film]

It’s a relief to hear that the adaptation will be faithful to the original.  I mean, at its heart, this is a simple story about alien-fighting cat-shaped robots who combine into a gigantic samurai.  Taking creative liberties with a story like that would just be fucking absurd.

Friday Free for All is a regular feature on FilmDrunk in which I post random videos from around the world, and from movies new and old – united solely by their awesomeness. Send your tips to lance@filmdrunk.com, and no, I’m not going to post your boyfriend’s hilarious 12-minute, shot-for-shot parody of The Bourne Identity.

Today’s Friday-Free-for-All clip comes from tipster Jeremy, who points out that Volton was based on a Japanese cartoon called Go Lion!. All Japanese cartoons are required by law to feature tentacle rape and/or graphic, inexplicable violence, and Go Lion!, was no different.  This video contains scenes from the original.

Ready, set, LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!