"Smells like gravy and Newports."

A few weeks ago I was at a karaoke bar when a hammered former sorority girl took to the 8×8 stage and “treated” us to her very special rendition of Adele’s “Someone Like You.” Now, I don’t have a problem with karaoke, as I love to belt out a good Right Said Fred or KISS tune on occasion, but there’s a fine line between a karaoke bar anthem and Adele. Nobody sings Adele but Adele, damn it.

That is, unless it’s a new viral video about Twilight, in which case it’s fair game. Because who doesn’t love seeing our favorite snorkeling vampires and shirtless werewolves take on modern classics? Today’s viral sensation feature’s Adele’s “Someone Like You” as sung by Jacob Black about his beloved Bella Swan. Jacob, of course, went on to fall in love with Bella’s telepathic vampire fetus, so it all worked out like in real life.

Side note: I think a great name for a drag queen would be Fella Swan.

Read the rest of this entry »

While Vince was busy smashing Pajiba’s Texas Instruments graphing calculators, there was a viewing at Sundance for The Woman, a new film from director Lucky McKee, who does not, unfortunately, have a sister named Tits. McKee previously directed some other stuff, but namely The Woods, which starred Bruce Campbell and therefore makes it awesome. But McKee’s latest film is getting buzz for something that happened off the screen – namely some guy freaked out during the screening and had to be escorted out.

The man, who is not identified in the video, claims that The Woman is incredibly offensive to women and should not be shown. In fact, he points out that one woman in the audience fainted. Wow, sounds like it’s a pretty graphic film, so what’s it about, IMDB?

When a successful country lawyer captures and attempts to “civilize” the last remaining member of a violent clan that has roamed the Northeast coast for decades, he puts the lives of his family in jeopardy.

So it’s like Nell but with graphic violence? Cool, I’ll take it. As for the guy and this perfectly timed video… he’s an actor and it’s fake. I don’t necessarily have much proof other than some comments on a YouTube page, but I’ve got a pretty good BS detector and the siren is blazing on this one. But I tip my hat to Lucky and crew, because their promotional idea is working and many people who are annoyed with this a-hole want to see the film now. Maybe I’ll try something similar for my first film, Watch Me Bathe Grandma.

Read the rest of this entry »

Voice of the movies Don LaFontaine died back in 2008 (and was then snubbed at the Academy’s In Memoriam, but that’s another story), and movie trailers haven’t been the same without his husky baritone. There other movie voiceover guys, but they’re basically the Candlebox to his Vedder.

Well look no further for his replacement because I think we’ve found him.  The Columbus Dispatch recently found this homeless guy on the side of the road (that’s like 80% of the job for rust-belt journalists), and it turns out, he’s got a voice as beautiful as Susan Boyle and twice the f*ckability.   Also, his name is Ted Williams.  Seriously, watch this, it’s incredible.

Read the rest of this entry »

UPDATE: Now with audio of the job offer

A guy who was homeless yesterday has a house and a career today, and he owes it all to Al Gore, inventor of the internet.  After being featured on this site and countless others (all of whom totally copied me), Ted Williams, Columbus Ohio’s golden-throated hobo, was inundated with job offers.  I didn’t want to be the d*ck who pointed out that radio jobs pay about the same as panhandling, but the happy ending is that the job came from the Cleveland Cavaliers, who offered him a position doing voiceover work and a house. A house in Cleveland? That’s like a $10,000 value right there.

“The Cleveland Cavaliers just offered me a full-time job and a house! A house! A house!,” repeated a stunned Williams, 71, 53, on local radio station WNCI. [video of the latest interviews below]

A caller to the show who said she represented the Cavs offered Williams a full-time job doing voiceover work for the team and parent company and a free home in Cleveland.

The Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, native trained to be a radio announcer before drugs and alcohol ruined his chances at a career, and he was reduced to begging on the side of a road in Columbus, Ohio, before the newspaper found him.

Local police would refer to Williams as “Radio man,” when chasing him from his usual begging spots, where he earned around $30 an hour, Williams said.

THIRTY DOLLARS AN HOUR???  This guy didn’t need a job, he needed an accountant. [Update: the video below puts the figure much lower, but don't think that means I'm rewriting my joke]

“I’ve been out there about a year; I just didn’t know anything like this would ever happen,” an overwhelmed Williams said earlier in the show. “There’s so many words. I’ve already been compared to Susan Boyle [that was me! -Ed] … I’m just so happy.”

Before the Cavs made their bid, the station said a group of credit unions offered Williams a contract worth up to $10,000; a caller claiming to rep MTV expressed interest in having him guest-announce a show; and callers who said they were the voiceover actors behind plugs for “The Simpsons” and “Entertainment Tonight” said they wanted him to compete on their upcoming “America’s Next Voice” — where the prize includes a home studio. [NYPost]

It’s kind of anticlimactic after the thing about the job and the house, but he also has a website and a Twitter page.  Anyway, I wish the guy all the best.  He has an amazing voice, and that makes the story so much nicer because it doesn’t give you that icky feeling you get when people do something solely out of pity, like when the retarded kid wins the dance contest.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to embark upon a far more lucrative career in the field of alcoholism and panhandling.  Though I suppose I could just say “a career in the field”, couldn’t I. 

(I’ll post the latest videos below as they come)

Read the rest of this entry »

After the jump, you can watch a pretty swell mash up of Black Swan and the Paul Verhoeven nipple-core epic, Showgirls, the dolphin-flopping orgasmest movie of 1995  (Mr. Holland’s Opus being a close second).  Watching it, I was surprised at how well audio from the Black Swan trailer corresponds with the events in Showgirls. #ObviousMashUpCompliments.

[below video NSFW, for brief nudity]

Read the rest of this entry »