When it was announced that Billy Crystal would host the Oscars after Brett Ratner got fired for calling everyone a fag and Eddie Murphy went with him, the world responded with a resounding “meh.” It was as if they’d already skipped to the fourth step of Billy Crystal: acceptance. But the Oscar producers couldn’t have people not excited about the Oscars. That just wouldn’t do! So the lead producer called a special meeting in his war room deep in the bowels of show business headquarters. He looked his flunkies in the face. No one had any ideas! That’s when he took a long drag on his electronic cigarette and said purposefully, “…Bring me Duhamel.”

The awed flunkies muttered in unison, “You mean… The Charismanator.”

The chief hit a giant red button on his desk, and that’s when this video was made.

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ACTUAL PLOT: Danny Glover plays Captain Ahab opposite Vinnie Jones in a retelling of Moby Dick in which the white whale is a dragon. (*Air guitar*)  Seriously though, that’s the plot of the $5 million-budgeted Dragon Fire, and the best part is, we learn all of this through a local TV news report from adorable Utah.  I’ve prepared a rough transcript:

VOICE OVER: “The lights and cameras are shining in Provo this week as cast and crew work on what they hope will be the next box office-smash.  Writers and producers are taking the American classic Moby Dick and putting a fantasy twist to it.”

FRENCH PRODUCER IN A HAMMOCK: “Well, eet’s Moby Dick… weess dragons.”

DANNY GLOVER: “We all know a moral dilemma Moby Dick mumble mumble I seem drunk.”

VOICE OVER: Blah blah blah, Danny Glover’s been to Utah before, “But most remember him from the Lethal Weapon movies.”

DANNY GLOVER: Mumble mumble *hiccup* mumble mumble

VOICE OVER:  “But it’s ultimately moviegoers who will decide if dragons does indeed make this timeless classic  more exciting.”

Interesting stuff, John.  Coming up at the top of the hour, the US death toll in Afghanistan passes 1,000 and Sally Roberson of Lehi teaches us how to make lawn sculptures out of old kitty litter scoopings.  Stay tuned.

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(Vinnie Jones with his wi– HOLY GOD WHAT’S THAT IN THE BACKGROUND?!)

Vinnie Jones took time out of his busy schedule of beating up chubby Mexican dudes recently to announce his intention to open a Snatch-themed bar in Santa Monica with his pal and fellow athlete-turned-actor Jason Statham. From HolyMoly:

“Me and Jay have been talking about it for about a year. We were thinking The Snatch Bar or something like that down in Santa Monica. We’re going to do it, it’s just a question of us finding the time.”

Naturally, we turn now to FilmDrunk regular The Stath for comment.

Oy, cunts.  Stafe ‘eah, donnit.  So da ovva day, Jonesy wiz ringin’ me fockin’ oiPhone off da ‘ook, now wasn’ ‘e?  Da trouble is, dem cunts ‘asn’t made da oiPhone’s touch screens very strong, now ‘as dey?  So aftah da Stafe broke frough four or foive a da cunts, oy fought I moight just meet da cunt in person, innit.  So den Jonesy rocks up, an ‘e’s loike, “Oy, Stafe, wot you fink about a fockin’ Snatch bah?”, innit.

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Vinnie Jones was recently acquitted of assault charges in conjunction with this bar fight in South Dakota back in December.  In the video, we see Jones, who’d just been hit with a beer glass, throw a few punches at Juan Barrera before Barrera takes him down.  However, Jones’ and Barrera’s accounts of the incident differ, much like an 80s sitcom.  Barrera says:

Juan Barrera said they were playing pool when Jones asked to play, then got offended when one of them asked if he was “that guy from X-Men.” Barrera said he was punched by Jones and countered with one or two of his own. “He got offended by that, and he started pushing my other friends around. He said he’s been in so many other movies or whatever.”

Jones says:

Jones said he posed for photos with locals and signed autographs and eventually went over to a pool table and asked to join.  Jones said one of the two men at the table said, “You’re Juggernaut from ‘X-men.’ You’re not getting in the game.”

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Movie tough guy and former soccer tough guy Vinnie Jones, whom you may remember from the “Oy’m da Juggernaut, bitch!” scene in X-Men 3, was arrested in South Dakota recently over an alleged method acting incident.

Police said Jones got into a scuffle at Wiley’s Tavern and suffered cuts on his face from a beer glass.

A police sergeant said Jones apparently charged at Jesse Bickett of Montrose, South Dakota, who hit Jones with the glass.

Bickett, 24, was arrested on a charge of aggravated assault.

One of Bickett’s roommates, Juan Barrera, said they were playing pool when Jones asked to play, then got offended when one of them asked if he was “that guy from X-Men.” Barrera said he was punched by Jones, who is mostly known for his tough guy roles, and countered with one or two of his own.

“He got offended by that, and he started pushing my other friends around. He said he’s been in so many other movies or whatever,” Barrera said.

Authorities said Jones was treated at a hospital, then was charged with simple assault and posted bail Friday morning. [International Herald Tribune]

Jones was supposedly in South Dakota to hunt peasants pheasant.  The best part of this whole thing is that Jones was pissed because someone remembered him for a Brett Ratner movie.  Keep in mind, Vinnie Jones has also starred in a movie opposite Stone Cold Steve Austin, done voice work on Garfield 2: A Tale of Two Kitties, and will soon be appearing in Not Another Not Another Movie.  And yet the mere mention of X3 sent him into a violent rage.  I happened to re-watch X3 myself when it was on cable over the weekend and I can see why he was pissed.  In other surprising news, at least one Mexican guy lives in South Dakota.

UPDATE: Thanks to a sexy FilmDrunkard from the UK, you can see video of the fight here (UPDATE X2: or above). The Juggernaut got a couple punches in but eventually succumbed to a hip toss from a fat guy.  If you think that’s something, you should see him take down a plate of nachos.