"ERECTION, YOUR ONION, THE DEFENSE BREASTS!"

After the jump, I’ve got the trailer for Puncture, in which Chris Evans plays a drug-addicted lawyer fighting a massive healthcare conspiracy in an indie drama he signed on for before Captain Amurka. I could tell you more about it, but really I just wanted to post this picture of Chris Evans lawyering shirtless (HOW DID HE STEAL THIS ROLE FROM MCCONAUGHEY?!) in a motel room for a mock jury of skanks. This is exactly how I’ve always imagined Danger Guerrero‘s legal career. “Your honor, I’m going to level with you. I may not have a ‘fancy law degree’ or ‘pants’. I’m just an ol-fashioned country boy with chiseled biceps and an ass you could bounce a quarter off. But one thing I do know, is that if you steal a man’s hot pockets, that man is entitled to retribution! Now can I get an amen?”

CAT JURY: Meow.

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In Two Lovers, Joaquin Phoenix is caught in a love triangle between Gwyneth Paltrow and Vinessa Shaw.  Must be an Isosceles triangle, youknowwhatahmsayin?  *holds up fist, looks around for math pound*

As you can see, Vinessa Shaw is pretty hot in spite of her annoying misspelled name.  Alternate title for this movie?  It’s So Hard to Say Bye Good.