In “this can’t be real but please let it be real” news, Vincent Gallo has a merchandise website and one of the many wonderful items that the self-proclaimed legend is selling is… his semen. For $1,000,000 you can purchase your own sample of the Buffalo 66 star’s hot nut. You can also buy a brown hat for $750, but I think the real bargain is the chance to have Gallo’s baby.

And the news gets even better! If his salty discharge doesn’t work the first time, he’ll gladly keep popping in a cup for you until you get his hairy baby brewing in your tummy. What a gentleman! Tell us more, our new favorite Vince…

Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself. (Via VGMerchandise.com)

That’s right – if you’re hot, you’ll save half a million. If you’re busted, the sex is going to cost you. But no, it’s not prostitution by any means. It’s “natural insemination.” Jesus, why didn’t I think of that?

I was originally going to make fun of the arrogance behind assuming that women would pay $1,000,000 for this guy’s sperm to ride a fixed-gear bike into their wombs. But now I actually admire him for saying, “Why not?” So it is with great pleasure that I announce that we will be selling Vincent Mancini sperm for $6. But he’s going to need the sock back.

(A very special thanks to Charlie Bronze for the tip.)

Youth Without Youth may not have turned out so hot, but Francis Ford Coppola is ready to try this comeback thing again with Tetro. It stars Vincent Gallo (the guy who Chloe Sevigny blew in Brown Bunny, a movie Roger Ebert called less entertaining than his colonoscopy footage) and Maribel Verdu, the older chick in Y tu mamá también (a movie you should Netflix if you’ve never seen).  Trailer is above, first three minutes of the film below.

“Set in Argentina, the story will follow the rivalries born out of creative differences passed down through generations of an artistic Italian immigrant family.”

As you can see, he shot the whole thing in black and white, which is fine as long as I can come to the theater in a fedora and smoke cigarettes the whole time.
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