"COME AT ME, BRO! I DARE YOU TO KISS ME!"

As a writer of Vin Diesel fan-fiction, it’s very important for me to stay abreast of all diesel happenings in the world of Vin Diesel, and this one’s a doozy. While he waits to see if Fast Five will indeed get that Oscar nod he believes it so richly deserves, Diesel spoke to the Hollywood Reporter for their “Rulebreakers 2011″ feature. No word on what rule he broke, but I’m going to assume socks with sandals. There, he told reporters that plans for 6 Fast 6 Furious just naturally turned into plans to shoot it back to back with 7ast and 7urious, because the story just couldn’t be contained, much like The Rock’s shiny biceps in that rashguard.

With the success of this last one, and the inclusion of so many characters, and the broadening of scope, when we were sitting down to figure out what would fit into the real estate of number six, we didn’t have enough space,” Diesel told THR
Apart from reuniting supporting characters from previous movies, it added star power in the form of Dwayne Johnson. A coda at the end of the movie teases the return of a character played by Eva Mendes last seen in 2 Fast 2 Furious as well as the return of Michelle Rodriguez.
“We have to pay off this story, we have to service all of these character relationships, and when we started mapping all that out it just went beyond 110 pages,” Diesel explained. “The studio said, ‘You can’t fit all that story in one damn movie!’”

IT’S TOO MUCH DIESEL, CAPTAIN! THE REACTOR WON’T HOLD! THIS IS A LONGSHOT, BUT MAYBE IF WE REVERSE THE POLARITY, IT COULD NEUTRALIZE THE HOMOEROTICISM! IT’S OUR ONLY HOPE! (*chugs Red Bull*)

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So I wrote this… thing a while back. It’s called “Vin Diesel Goes to the DMV.” I never posted it on FilmDrunk, because it didn’t seem quite right. It was little long for blog format, it wasn’t timely, and most of all, it was wholly fictional. But when my friend Justin Halpern (of Sh*t My Dad Says fame) told me he was starting a site for longer-form, harder-to-categorize humor writing, I figured this was perfect. It’s all part of my master plan to never make money on anything. Here’s Justin’s intro:

This is a piece of fiction that asks the age old question “What happens when Vin Diesel goes to the DMV?” Now behold, as Mr. Vin Diesel takes you on a journey inside his mind…inside the DMV.

Couldn’t have introduced it better myself. Thank Bret for the artwork.

Read it here (Please? I ask so precious little of you).

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There’ve been a few stories about Vin Diesel and a Chronicles of Riddick sequel going around for the past year, but I usually avoid them because… well, the prospect of that sounds about as interesting as a WWE subplot.  But good old Vin Diesel, the same guy who was feeling bullish about 5 Fast 5 Furious’s Oscar chances a few weeks ago, he’s always good for a quote.  Honestly, is there anything better than a quote about “artistic integrity” just above a guy with fingerless wrist warmers pulling down his magic space goggles?

[Matt Ufford tells me his eyes look like that because of an eye transplant he was given on a prison planet, which is why Riddick can see in the dark.  Mr. Ufford has since been wedgied.]

On Tuesday, Diesel posted a message on his wall telling fans [director David] Twohy had good news — they could start filming this summer — but there was a catch. “[I]n order for us to make a true R rated film, I must work for scale upfront. Not unlike the Find me Guilty experience (which I wouldn’t have changed for the world)… Money is always second to art, integrity and spirit… but the real issue is deeper. Can I suspend my life, to momentarily venture to that dark place… called Riddick. Now, I need to hear from Our collective… you. Wisdom and clarity appreciated,” he wrote.

Oh thank God, my favorite character, the existential buffoon.  So you see, the real issue isn’t money, but whether Vin Diesel can stop being Vin Diesel long enough to funnel his essence into that dark Furyan, the one who the prophet foretold would bring about the demise of Necromongers. Is it worth the cost? Spiritually?  Perhaps this is one instance where the question is more important than the answer.  I leave you to ponder. (*dog ears chapter of Proust, solemnly sips Monster energy drink, rides off on tricked-out Razor scooter*)

Fast Five recently helped America rediscover her love affair with one Vin Diesel, a modern-day, gay Jimmy Stewart named after truck fuel.  Part two of his comeback tour, after proving he still lives life a quarter-mile at a time, is returning to the delightful family comedy of The Pacifier, which he hopes to do in MGM’s The Machine.

While MGM’s reputation around town is that of a remake factory, mining its library, Machine is an original project coming from Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant, the writers of Night at the Museum who also worked with Diesel on his action comedy The Pacifier.

According to MGM, Diesel will play “a human-like machine created in secrecy by the Pentagon as the world’s first true ultimate weapon. Twenty years after the project was buried and decommissioned for reasons unknown, The Machine is discovered by a kid who befriends him. When the government learns it has been reactivated, The Machine must protect the family harboring him. [THR]

That the guys from Reno 911 wrote Night at the Museum, The Pacifier, and the delightful Jimmy Fallon-Queen Latifah joint Taxi is probably something I should’ve known, but didn’t (Lennon-McShartney?).  I guess it’s hard to begrudge them making money on scripts that probably take twenty minutes to write.  “Okay, so The Pacifier was basically Kindergarten Cop. How can we do another movie that’s like that, but different?”

“What if Kindergarten Cop…” (*huge bong load*) “…was also a Terminator?” (*cough, cough*)

(*deep breath*)  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

Vin Diesel said he resents the idea that “Fast Five” is only a popcorn movie. The actor, not one for false modesty, said he believes the movie has a legitimate shot at an Academy Award nomination.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if there is some Oscar talk around this. I don’t know, maybe I’m just biting off what some guy from Channel 7 thought,” he said with a chuckle. “But sooner or later, people are gonna say, ‘Wait a minute, just because they are for the working class doesn’t mean they’re not great.’” [LA Times]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…. (*catches breath, attempts to collect self, mops brow with monogrammed hankie*)

Vin Diesel is right, you know. Movies about the working class always get the shaft. In fact, Colin Firth expressed much the same sentiment after starring in Death Lorrie 7, back when his name was still Sir Reginald von Fuel Injection. It wasn’t until he played a stuttering king that the Academy took notice.  But someday, those old fogies are bound to loosen up, even if it takes Sinbad sleeping over at every one of their houses.  Until then, Fast Five will just have to be content to collect its MTV Movie Award for “Most Come At Me, Bro,” and “Coolest Asian” for Sung Kang’s portrayal of “Han Seoul-Oh.”  Oh man.  I have to go lie down. I think I’ve given myself sarcasm poisoning.