My God, is that an AK-47-toting Viking riding a rainbow-sh*tting unicorn into outer space?  F*ck me in the turd button, that is nothing short of magnificent.  Hell, I’d let this guy molest me. |Source|

MORNING LINKS

YO, SAN FRANCISCO!  I’m doing some stand-up tonight at 10 at the Purple Onion. Sorry, I suppose that’s no reason to shout. No, I did not make that flyer. |flyer|

11 Diabolical Plans Discovered On Osama Bin Laden’s Hard Drives. |Uproxx|

The Ten Best TV Episodes of the 2010-11 Season. |WarmingGlow|

Random Netflix: The “Worse Than Tyler Perry” Edition. |TSS|

A Gallery of Batmen Getting Arrested. |GammaSquad|

Calvin & Hobbes: The Next Generation |Buzzfeed|

Poor 15-year-old finds $15,000, donates it to charity. |TheDailyWhat|

Court upholds sports fans right to flip the bird.  That’s right “flip”. “Flick” is what morons say. |BostonStool|

Ashton Kutcher replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Man. I can’t wait to continue not watching this. |TheSuperficial|

GED classroom fights are better than other classroom fights. |NYCStool|

Major League Baseballs eight biggest dippers. |Clutch|

Levi Johnson’s rejected book titles. |HolyTaco|

10 strange but real sports you haven’t heard of. |Guyism|

Bin Laden emailed everyone via flash drives, couriers, and internet cafes.  Probably that “hugging lion” video. |Fark|

David Hasselhoff joins cast of Piranha 3DD, probably doesn’t realize it’s a joke. |ScreenJunkies|

A Gallery of MMO Players in Game and in Life. |UnrealityMag|

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I liked Thor.  Despite a distinct lack of rocket hands and Robert Downey chewing scenery, all things considered, it’s probably a better film than the first Iron Man (which, let’s face it, was a little Entourage-y at times).  And yet, something about it kept me from being much excited to write my review.  In fact, I made this entire Platoon poster with a Hyrax out of boredom before I’d written my first paragraph.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun movie.  The acting is solid all the way through (Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston — Loki — are pleasant discoveries, and neither Anthony Hopkins nor Natalie Portman dishonor their pedigrees). Kenneth Branagh proves his Shakespeare experience surprisingly applicable to a film about a big blonde guy whacking sh*t with a hammer, seamlessly mixing goofy, often slapsticky humor with age-old conflicts between brothers, and fathers and sons, and of course, epic speeches and hubris leading to downfall.  The film begins in Asgard, where three of the evil Ice Giants (couldn’t have thought up a less on-the-nose name, there, guys?) have infiltrated a sacred Asgardian hall through some kind through a secret portal, in order to steal back some magic box full of blue fog that the Asgardians took after defeating them in a long war (the one where Odin lost his eye).  But before the Ice Giants can accomplish much, the Asgardians’ giant chrome Destroyer blows them all to f*ck WITH A BEAM OF HELLFIRE FROM ITS FACE (pretty baller, as security systems go).   When the Asgardians discover what happened, newly-crowned Prince Thor gets pissed, demanding to go to Planet Ice Giant and hammer some frozen dicks in retaliation.  Odin (Hopkins) says no — “The Destroyer did its job, the invaders met their fate, nothing else is required.”

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Unless you’re a war-starting Jew or a lazy wetback, you probably remember that back in January, I reported that Mel Gibson was working on a Viking movie with Departed screenwriter William Monaghan, with Leonardo DiCaprio attached to star, and a plan to shoot it entirely in the Old Norse language.  Of course, that was before the events of pack-of-n***ers-gate.  Today, RadarOnline claims a source close to DiCaprio as saying that Leo has dropped out of the project.  (Before you read it, keep in mind, Radar is the also outlet who broke the Gibson tapes, so it’s in their best interests to keep this story in the headlines as long as possible).

“Not a chance,” said a source, close to the Inception star, when asked if he was still planning to star in Gibson’s next project.
The decision is a major setback for the Oscar-winning actor/director, who is facing allegations of domestic abuse and child endangerment.  A source close to DiCaprio said the star, who is currently basking in the release of his wildly acclaimed box-office topping movie Inception, did not want to risk his reputation, with being associated with Mel.
“Leo has earned the right to pick and choose who he works with and Mel Gibson is not one of them,” the source added.

Not to defend the guy, but wouldn’t it be more fair to see if Gibson actually did actually hit his girlfriend before you drop out of the project?  It’s not like they’re shooting it tomorrow.  The actual abuse part seems a little fuzzy.  We know for sure that Mel can scream like a homeless Klansman, but a lot people in Hollywood say ridiculous things. Sherri Shepard said the world was flat and that retard has an Emmy.  If the story’s true, it sounds pretty straightforward that DiCaprio’s dropping out because he doesn’t want to give the appearance of associating with a guy people think is a woman beater, not that he’s afraid of associating with an actual abuser because he thinks it’s wrong.  It’s sad that you don’t even have to try to hide that nowadays, like everyone’s expected to think like a publicist.

Meanwhile, I enjoy Radar calling this a “major setback.”  Mel Gibson was caught on tape throwing around every offensive word in the English language. I’m pretty sure he has bigger problems than Leonardo DiCaprio not playing one of his Vikings.  It’s Leonardo DiCaprio. Solid actor, but which Viking was he going to play?  The scrawny one that smokes a lot and has nightmares about his dead wife?

(Odin didn’t tap)

After the jump, I’ve got a sneak preview of Valhalla Rising, a viking movie from Bronson director Nicholas Winding Refn.  The two-minute video contains pretty much all the things I like — beheadings, axe killings, disembowelings, shirtless prisoners choke-wrestling, and sharks 69-ing.  Okay, maybe not that last one, but poetic license.

The clip’s pairing of the most brutal and über-violent footage from the film with Tchaikovsky’s “The Nutcracker” is riotous and entertaining but be forewarned, it’s pretty much capsuled all the blood-thirst into the two minutes.
Described as a “horror movie as directed by Terrence Malick,” the film is actually a slow-moving, hypnotizing and mesmerizing picture centering on a Viking warrior slave who escapes his captives with the aid of a young boy and boards a Viking vessel only to sail into the heart of darkness.
“Valhalla Rising” should hit theaters sometime in the Spring.  [via ThePlaylist]

*puts finger over mouth* Shh-shh, don’t speak.  You had me at “young boy gives a slave aids.”

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(Trailer contains some naughty language, so shield your ears or put in your tampon or whatever)
While we all wait for Mel Gibson’s Viking epic starring Leonardo Caprio, a movie called The Wild Hunt from director Alexandre Franchi is currently playing the Santa Barbara Film Festival.  Finally, a film about Viking LARP (Live Action Role Playing) that doesn’t skimp on the sexual assault.  It’s like they read my mind!  Key line in the trailer:

“I know some girls, they role play medieval prostitutes and they have sex with men who pay them in fake coins.”

So where do these girls hang out?  ‘Cause hey, I got fake coins.  I got a whooooole chest full of ‘em.  *leans back in chair* Anyway, I have a spy down at this film festival who assures me that The Wild Hunt is indeed as badass as it seems.  It doesn’t have distribution deal yet, but be sure you watch the trailer until the end.  Sh*t. Gets. Real.