Oh, can Van Damme do the splits? I hadn't heard.

Sometimes, you hear an idea for a Supercut and you just know it’s going to be good. For instance, “Kickboxer: Just the Kicking.” There’s no way that could not be good. After the jump I’ve got just such a super cut, and I’m willing to bet that it’s even better than you imagine. It’s mesmerizing. You’ll start watching and think to yourself, “Oh my goodness, this movie has an incredible abundance of kicking.” And that’s when it will hit you: OH MY GOD, I HAVEN’T EVEN MADE IT THROUGH A THIRD OF THE KICKING! That’s how much kicking this video has. If kicking was bricks, this video would be the pyramids.

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I know this is a strong statement, and it’s going to seem like hyperbole, but I stand by it: this is probably the best Juggalo freestyle I’ve ever seen. Ever. My commentary is inevitably going to seem trivial compared to the truthbombs Colin aka JUGGALOSMOKER100 drops in what he calls “JUGGALO RYDA SONG NUMBER 29,” so I mostly just transcribed some of his flows.

Look to the right, and hold yourself tight, here I come in a helluva fight.

Don’t f*ck with me, I’ll f*ck you up. I’ll say to my homeys ‘What’s up?’

All the lightning, sure is frightening, but it’ll never be… frightening.

I got my hatchetman. He’s as cool as a fan.

When I go off my ramp, you’re going to have a stamp, and it won’t be damp

F*ck all this fame, I just wanna be in flames.

I’m a juggalo, if I see a crow, I’m-a shoot it with my bow. And call it a ho.

YEAH HOMEY F*CK THAT HATER ASS CROW WHOOT WHOOT! Died squawkin’ like a BITCH.

Here’s my favorite exchange from the comments section:

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"And always remember, boys, a firm slap in the face is the nicest gift you can give a hysterical woman."

Just when you think you can pull up any celebrity’s kinkiest private scat video with just the push of a button, a story comes along to show that even in 2012, some films stay unclaimed. Such is the case with Modern Football, an early instructional video directed by Robert Altman (acclaimed director of Short Cuts, The Player, Gosford Park, MASH) in 1951 that was recently bought for $10 at a Kansas City flea market.

Altman’s long apprenticeship included directing Bonanzas, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, the 1957 documentary The James Dean Story, and — way back at the dawn of the 1950s — a clutch of “industrials,” educational shorts and docs.

It’s one of these that filmmaker Gary Huggins recently scored at a drive-in flea market in Kansas City, Altman’s hometown. “I bought a stack of old instructional films for $10 and never got around to screening them,” Huggins says. “Modern Football sounded really dull. But when I recently did, I glimpsed Altman [at the 2:37 mark in the video below], who cameos as a sports reporter, and knew I had something incredible.” [SFWeekly]

You can watch the 26-minute video below. It’s notable not so much for any recognizable Altman signature, but for how how hilarious newsreel-style films from the 50s were. Dee-deet-deet-dee-deet-dee– “Dateline: 1951, Kansas Citay Missouray. According ta Senatah Joseph McCahthy, limp-wristed young nancy boys are the ones most at risk of getting snapped up by the creeping red Communist menace! But you can turn yoah young Tennessee Williams into a Johnny Unitas, thanks to HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL, new, from Omni Corps! The company that brought you hazing, and corporal punishment. Remember, a punch a day keeps the Commies away.”

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Kid Film Critic Lights Camera Jackson (now 13) actually appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno last week, but since no one under 65 watches Jay Leno anyway, I don’t feel bad not posting it until now. In any case, behold. This is what regular local television appearances can do to a child’s development. It looks like he’s tried so hard to model his persona after other inoffensive, personality-free (neutral!) television talking heads during a crucial stage in his development, a stage in which he’d otherwise be experiencing the growing pains of carving out his own identity through rebellion, peer group interaction, and trial and error, that he’s been sanded down into this bizarre, sort of bland humanoid oatmeal robot. Being sort of a robot himself, Leno doesn’t seem to notice, but throughout this segment, Meredith Viera’s creep factor is palpable.

LCJ goes on to say that he doesn’t review the “Hangovers and Bridesmaids-type films,” because those R-rated comedies aren’t meant for kids his age (editor’s note: that’s EXACTLY WHO THEY’RE MEANT FOR!). Meanwhile, he praises Meryl Streep’s performance in The Iron Lady. At the 1:44 mark, when Jay mentions Meryl Streep, LCJ actually rubs his goddamned palms together in anticipation.

Now, I’ve said this before, but at my screening of The Iron Lady, there was a 60-some year old gay man wearing a velour track jacket with Asian dragons printed all over it, about ten feather necklaces and medallions, and a black wifebeater that said CASTRO on it, who would cackle wildly every time Margaret Thatcher did something bitchy. I assume that’s why he came. EVEN THAT GUY walked out halfway through. So congratulations, all you segment producers, local news anchors, morning show stars, late night hosts, ROGER EBERT (who put this kid on Roger Ebert presents), encouraging audiences, and advertisers who failed to put a stop to this (did he say he won a f*cking Emmy?!?), this is your Frankenstein. You’ve created a 13-year-old child that won’t watch raunchy comedies, but just loooves biopics about dementia-addled British Prime Ministers discussing tea with their dead husbands. Yeah, because that’s more wholesome. I’m submitting this into evidence now. In 10 years, you’re all going to jail.

[video via Buzzfeed]

Ridley Scott’s Prometheus, which opens in June, is getting a promotional push from the TED conference, which is of course the nation’s premiere gathering of Ted Danson impersonators, enthusiasts, and Danson-related industries (“Curve the Beer” is this year’s theme). The TED website recently posted this video of Peter Weyland, Guy Pearce’s character in Prometheus, giving a talk at the 2023 TED Talks. That’s the future! Though it’s nice to see rich guys slicking their hair back like Pat Riley won’t change in the next 11 years.

Peter Weyland is reportedly a character played by Guy Pearce in Ridley Scott’s highly anticipated film, “Prometheus,” an entrepreneur and the head of the Weyland Corporation who owns the Prometheus spaceship (and part of the Weyland-Yutani conglomerate that sent the Nostromo spaceship in “Alien”).

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