Those five question marks are for the gamers out there who actually care about this stuff, and because the English language doesn’t have punctuation for a dismissive wank (YET).  Anyway, IESB is claiming a triple confirmed sexclusive that Steven Spielberg will be producing a Halo movie, a project last rumored to be stalled with Peter Jackson and Neil Blomkamp.

Spielberg is blown away by writer Stuart Beattie’s take on the game in his script entitled HALO THE FALL OF REACH. This coupled with the fact that his Dreamworks umbrella is looking for a big tent pole to help launch their newly independant studio with distribution over at Walt Disney Pictures after losing Transformers to Paramount in the separation, it’s the perfect combination.

HALO, the wildly popular video games, follow Master Chief, a cybernetically-enhanced human super-soldier, and his artificial intelligence companion, Cortana, as they aide future humanity in battling the Covenant, a theocratic alliance of alien races. [IESB]

“Blown away”, eh?  That’s a pretty strong statement.  But somehow I don’t trust the judgment of a guy who was okay with nuking a fridge, Shia Labeouf swinging through the jungle with an army of monkeys, and pretty much the entire plot of the last Transformers movie.  Not that I blame him.  Steven Spielberg’s style of producing is a lot like mine would be if I were him, the yeah-whatever-dude, I’m-taking-b-loads school of movie producing. Also, Halo?  More like GAYlo. AHAHA, SUCK IT, GAMERS!  (*makes ‘suck it’ x over crotch with hands while thrusting*)

Empire recently posted some new publicity shots from Jerry Bruckheimer’s Prince of Persia movie, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, and Ben Kingsley.  I never played the video game, but based on these pictures I assume the object was to try to cultivate flowing sex hair (except for poor Special K who has to compensate with eyeliner).  Heck, I’d even bang the horse.  This looks like it’s going to be for Jake Gyllenhaal what Troy was for Brad Pitt, and everyone’s talking about how buff he got for the role.  But whatever, put this pussy in the ring with me.  I promise I’ll submit him in 30 seconds. With a c*ck choke!  OOH WHA-AA AA-AAH!

Hey– who let Jerry O’Bruckheimer into the girl’s locker room?  He looks like the emo-est leprechaun.  So they think they kin take me lucky charms, do they?  We’ll see who has the last laugh once me orthopedic shoes correct me club foot. Until then, I’ll smoke me cloves ‘n take meaninful photographs.

Lorenzo Di Bonaventura, the Hollywood a-super producer behind-a dis-a year’s Transformers 2, Imagine That, and G.I. Joe, made headlines a few weeks back when he announced plans to make a movie based on the Asteroids arcade game.  But IGN recently caught up with him, and he reassured fans that there’s a lot more to the idea than just triangles and polygonal blobs (haha, because that would be stupid!).  Here’s the quote, and I warn you, you might wanna put on a helmet because this is going to make you bang your head against something.

“It’s funny because people say there’s nothing in the game, but that’s not entirely right,” he said. “I was attracted to Asteroids, plain and simple, because I think what it tells you is that there’s going to be this big thing in space. We’ve crafted a really strong, deep mythology for the thing.”

Yeah, there was this big thing in space, and it was called the Big Bang.  The mythology is that first there was the big bang, then there was Lorenzo Di Bonaventura.  F*ck you, universe.  F*ck you in the black hole.

“Without divulging too much about it, it’s two lead characters – two brothers – who have to go through a seminal experience to figure out their relationship, against this huge backdrop.”

Wait, didn’t they already make this movie?  I’m pretty sure they did, it was called Seminal Brothers 6.  They figure out that their relationship involves double teaming white girls.  This discovery came pretty early in the movie, from what I remember.

After Spider-Man 3, it was nice to see Sam Raimi go back to his roots with Drag Me to Hell.  But his return to smaller films won’t last long as he’s now signed to direct World of Warcraft, perhaps the ultimate no-win project for a director.

The plan is for Raimi to supervise development of “Warcraft” and shoot the picture after he completes work on “Spider-Man 4,” which gets under way early next year.  The “Warcraft” universe [and by "universe" they mean "video game"] features an epic conflict between the Horde and the Alliance. The game has developed a global following since its launch in 1994 and shows no signs of slowing. Its most recent expansion, “Wrath of the Lich King,” sold more than 2.8 million copies in the first day of release and more than 4 million its first month. [Variety]

Something tells me the movie will be more like the wrath of suck king, amirite?  Haha, good one, Jay.  Anyway, every video game movie so far has been tremendously sucky, but this time they’ve got an unquestionably huge-name game paired with an established, respected director.  If this still ends up sucking, can we all agree that movies based on video games are a bad idea and stop attempting them forever?  Haha, of course that’ll never happen, now get off my lawn.  LIGHTNING BOLT!  LIGHTNING BOLT!

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Check it out, guys, the Jerry Bruckheimer-produced Prince of Persia has a poster.  It’s black and white (or shall we say ‘desaturated’, for you sticklers out there) with a red detail. Gosh, I’ve never seen that before.  It’s almost as if Jerry Bruckheimer was a just a hack who rips off other peoples’ crappy ideas.  Meanwhile, I made a version of the same poster as envisioned by Frank Miller.  Enjoy.

[via Empire - the also have another Prince of Persia poster]