I consider Kiefer Sutherland one of the coolest guys in Hollywood, mainly because he once told a guy with a video camera “that would explain everything,” and tackled a Christmas tree.  Which is why it pains me to report that he’s in talks to join the cast of Growl, which might be a perfect storm of all the worst things in the world.

1. First of all, the director, a former extra on Brett Ratner’s X3, is named “Sxv’Leithan Essex.” That’s right, unpronounceable AND apostrophe filled.  What, no exclamation points?  That’s not very extreme, bro.  For the record, he says it’s pronounced “skuh-lee-than.”  Though I find “f*ck yourself” really rolls off the tongue.

2. The Plot:

“In Growl, a traveling underground fight club called ‘The Brawlers’ arrive at a derelict ghost town tucked away in the Colorado Rockies. They meet the town’s only residents, the Maxilla family, who want to buy on to the fight card.  But the Maxilla family’s true intentions for the Brawler crew is soon revealed in teeth and claws.”

And by the fact that their name means “jawbone.”  Oh God, please tell me the town is named “Flowerew.”

3. The teaser poster had Phil Baroni in it. (Oddly, this may be the best thing about it).

4. With a concept as good as underground werewolf MMA fighting, you can’t just make one movie.  Oh no no no, you have to arm bar the iron while it’s still hot, or else you won’t get the sick scars, bro.

“We have the trilogy outlined, a prequel graphic novel and a videogame that sets up the events and characters in Growl 2,” Essex explains.

In conclusion, set photos of buff guys with tattoos.  (*chugs Rockstar, drives off in slammed Acura, starts telling everyone about how I’m going to “build my brand”*)

(Mooninites Invade Hollywood, feat. special appearance by Lobster Dog)

The LA Times report that WB is negotiating for the rights to a Space Invader movie.  I hope those negotiations involve someone paying them a lot of money to call one of the dumb alien scripts they already own “Space Invaders.”  Because if it involves paying someone for the right to make a movie about 4-bit blocks that fire dots at each other, we should fire that person out of a tard cannon.  If you’re gonna be this stupid, at least have the decency to explode.

There’s a bit of a loop-closing thing happening, since the game itself was inspired (loosely) by sci-fi movies like “Star Wars.” Still, like most games of the era, Space Invaders features little back story, which is why it’s anyone’s guess what shape a movie might take.

I’m not sure if that’s “oy” or “doy”.  The only movie based on this game should be The Mooninites Invade Hollywood.

Sadness surrounds us, doesn’t it, Er.

Sadness is for poor people!

We are busy, because on the moon, our weekends are so far advanced, they encompass the entire week.  Jobs have been phased out. …By our minds.

We get checks from the government!  And we spend it on beer.  Mexican beer!

Yeah, I just transcribed an Aqua Teen joke.  What of it? It’s not my fault the Mooninites rule.

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The prospect of a Pong movie was already raised by FilmDrunk commenters back in August 2007, as the logical conclusion of this retarded trend towards optioning video games, board games, etc.   It was a joke at first, but it’s going to happen, bet on it.  They’re already doing Asteroids, and as of today, Missile Command. At this point it’s like they’re just beating around the bush to screw with us.

Atari, which has been increasing its efforts to mine its video game library in Hollywood, has tapped Missile Command as a property ripe for a theatrical film. The company is in active discussions with studios, with Fox and Peter Chernin’s new production company the likely venue.
The 1980 game was a product of Cold War anxieties. Players were asked to defend six cities from an onslaught of ballistic missiles (represented by the sort-of squiggly lines) with the help of anti-missile weapons  (represented by flashing cursors) fired from alongside said cities.
Back in the summer, an auction erupted over another Atari property, Asteroids, which Universal and producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura ended up winning. [LA Times]

There was a bidding war!  Over a the rights to something where the protagonist is a squiggly line!  The only way this story could sound dumber is if Channing Tatum read it aloud.

This is the first trailer for the Disney/Jerry Bruckheimer joint, Prince of Persia.  An early version of it leaked online last night and some movie bloggers were having a big fight over whether it’s morally acceptable to post bootleg trailers before the official release from the studio.  To which I say, hey, get over (y)ourselves.  It’s a commercial for a movie, not the polio vaccine.

As for the movie in question, holy God what the hell is this?  I see they’ve reimagined ancient Persia as a land of spray-tanned white people with English accents. Meanwhile, cameras swoop and spin through spatially ambiguous CGI landscapes while Gemma Arterton whispers expository dialog in your ear like she wants to do you.  At least in the 2012 trailer you could kind of tell what was going on (i.e., CALIFORNIA IS GOING DOWN!).  In this one, Jake Gyllenhaal is running from… uh… something… and he dives… sideways?  Up?  Down?  I don’t even know.  Oh, and he’ll be speaking in that British accent the entire movie.  A movie about a magic dagger that… uh… controls time*.  You’ve done it again, Bruckheimer, you amazingly talented genius, you.

[available in better quality over at IGN but I don't like their embeddable player]

*And that this is also the plot of the video game it’s based on doesn’t make it any less of a stupid idea. It makes it even more of a stupid idea.

Spider-man director Sam Raimi is making a World of Warcraft movie, and MTV recently broke the news that Robert Rodat will be writing the script  — if this project doesn’t eventually go through at least three different writers, I’ll eat my top hat and poop some spats.  Rodat is best known for writing Saving Private Ryan (he wasn’t involved with the spinoff, Shaving Ryan’s Privates), and he also wrote The Patriot, but his family doesn’t talk about that.

“We want to be really faithful to the game,” Raimi says. “We would have our writer, Robert Rodat, really craft an original story within that world that feels like a ‘World of WarCraft’ adventure. Only obviously it’s very different ’cause it’s expanded and translated into the world of a motion picture.”

Video game movies are never good because the games rarely have a storyline, so the screenwriter basically has to write an entirely original script, all while his bosses say things like “We want to be really faithful to the game,” — you know, that thing that doesn’t have a story.  But I don’t know much about World of Warcraft, probably because I’ve had sex with women.  What I do know is that when I used to work in an office, I remember vividly some guys from IT standing around one time and one of them said, “Hey, did you guys hear about Bill?  Bill reached 20,000 nerd points (I’m paraphrasing here) over the weekend.”  Then the guys all slapped Bill on the back and shook his hand as if it were the birth of his child.  Anyway, I’m gonna have to plead ignorance on this one.  But if you wanna write up a detailed report, I can grab it when I pick up your sister in my IROC and maybe I’ll give it a look. (*pops collar on letterman jacket*)
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