This is the first trailer for the Disney/Jerry Bruckheimer joint, Prince of Persia. An early version of it leaked online last night and some movie bloggers were having a big fight over whether it’s morally acceptable to post bootleg trailers before the official release from the studio. To which I say, hey, get over (y)ourselves. It’s a commercial for a movie, not the polio vaccine.
As for the movie in question, holy God what the hell is this? I see they’ve reimagined ancient Persia as a land of spray-tanned white people with English accents. Meanwhile, cameras swoop and spin through spatially ambiguous CGI landscapes while Gemma Arterton whispers expository dialog in your ear like she wants to do you. At least in the 2012 trailer you could kind of tell what was going on (i.e., CALIFORNIA IS GOING DOWN!). In this one, Jake Gyllenhaal is running from… uh… something… and he dives… sideways? Up? Down? I don’t even know. Oh, and he’ll be speaking in that British accent the entire movie. A movie about a magic dagger that… uh… controls time*. You’ve done it again, Bruckheimer, you amazingly talented genius, you.
[available in better quality over at IGN but I don't like their embeddable player]
*And that this is also the plot of the video game it’s based on doesn’t make it any less of a stupid idea. It makes it even more of a stupid idea.
Spider-man director Sam Raimi is making a World of Warcraft movie, and MTV recently broke the news that Robert Rodat will be writing the script — if this project doesn’t eventually go through at least three different writers, I’ll eat my top hat and poop some spats. Rodat is best known for writing Saving Private Ryan (he wasn’t involved with the spinoff, Shaving Ryan’s Privates), and he also wrote The Patriot, but his family doesn’t talk about that.
“We want to be really faithful to the game,” Raimi says. “We would have our writer, Robert Rodat, really craft an original story within that world that feels like a ‘World of WarCraft’ adventure. Only obviously it’s very different ’cause it’s expanded and translated into the world of a motion picture.”
Video game movies are never good because the games rarely have a storyline, so the screenwriter basically has to write an entirely original script, all while his bosses say things like “We want to be really faithful to the game,” — you know, that thing that doesn’t have a story. But I don’t know much about World of Warcraft, probably because I’ve had sex with women. What I do know is that when I used to work in an office, I remember vividly some guys from IT standing around one time and one of them said, “Hey, did you guys hear about Bill? Bill reached 20,000 nerd points (I’m paraphrasing here) over the weekend.” Then the guys all slapped Bill on the back and shook his hand as if it were the birth of his child. Anyway, I’m gonna have to plead ignorance on this one. But if you wanna write up a detailed report, I can grab it when I pick up your sister in my IROC and maybe I’ll give it a look. (*pops collar on letterman jacket*)
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Those five question marks are for the gamers out there who actually care about this stuff, and because the English language doesn’t have punctuation for a dismissive wank (YET). Anyway, IESB is claiming a triple confirmed sexclusive that Steven Spielberg will be producing a Halo movie, a project last rumored to be stalled with Peter Jackson and Neil Blomkamp.
Spielberg is blown away by writer Stuart Beattie’s take on the game in his script entitled HALO THE FALL OF REACH. This coupled with the fact that his Dreamworks umbrella is looking for a big tent pole to help launch their newly independant studio with distribution over at Walt Disney Pictures after losing Transformers to Paramount in the separation, it’s the perfect combination.
HALO, the wildly popular video games, follow Master Chief, a cybernetically-enhanced human super-soldier, and his artificial intelligence companion, Cortana, as they aide future humanity in battling the Covenant, a theocratic alliance of alien races. [IESB]
“Blown away”, eh? That’s a pretty strong statement. But somehow I don’t trust the judgment of a guy who was okay with nuking a fridge, Shia Labeouf swinging through the jungle with an army of monkeys, and pretty much the entire plot of the last Transformers movie. Not that I blame him. Steven Spielberg’s style of producing is a lot like mine would be if I were him, the yeah-whatever-dude, I’m-taking-b-loads school of movie producing. Also, Halo? More like GAYlo. AHAHA, SUCK IT, GAMERS! (*makes ’suck it’ x over crotch with hands while thrusting*)
Empire recently posted some new publicity shots from Jerry Bruckheimer’s Prince of Persia movie, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, and Ben Kingsley. I never played the video game, but based on these pictures I assume the object was to try to cultivate flowing sex hair (except for poor Special K who has to compensate with eyeliner). Heck, I’d even bang the horse. This looks like it’s going to be for Jake Gyllenhaal what Troy was for Brad Pitt, and everyone’s talking about how buff he got for the role. But whatever, put this pussy in the ring with me. I promise I’ll submit him in 30 seconds. With a c*ck choke! OOH WHA-AA AA-AAH!
Hey– who let Jerry O’Bruckheimer into the girl’s locker room? He looks like the emo-est leprechaun. So they think they kin take me lucky charms, do they? We’ll see who has the last laugh once me orthopedic shoes correct me club foot. Until then, I’ll smoke me cloves ‘n take meaninful photographs.
Lorenzo Di Bonaventura, the Hollywood a-super producer behind-a dis-a year’s Transformers 2, Imagine That, and G.I. Joe, made headlines a few weeks back when he announced plans to make a movie based on the Asteroids arcade game. But IGN recently caught up with him, and he reassured fans that there’s a lot more to the idea than just triangles and polygonal blobs (haha, because that would be stupid!). Here’s the quote, and I warn you, you might wanna put on a helmet because this is going to make you bang your head against something.
“It’s funny because people say there’s nothing in the game, but that’s not entirely right,” he said. “I was attracted to Asteroids, plain and simple, because I think what it tells you is that there’s going to be this big thing in space. We’ve crafted a really strong, deep mythology for the thing.”
Yeah, there was this big thing in space, and it was called the Big Bang. The mythology is that first there was the big bang, then there was Lorenzo Di Bonaventura. F*ck you, universe. F*ck you in the black hole.
“Without divulging too much about it, it’s two lead characters - two brothers - who have to go through a seminal experience to figure out their relationship, against this huge backdrop.”
Wait, didn’t they already make this movie? I’m pretty sure they did, it was called Seminal Brothers 6. They figure out that their relationship involves double teaming white girls. This discovery came pretty early in the movie, from what I remember.
