In case you forgot, Universal is still moving forward with a big screen adaptation of the 1980s video game “Asteroids.” The game, of course, was about a triangle that spins around in circles and fires at trapezoids that split into tinier shapes, supposedly representing giant rocks hurling through outer space. At some point, an executive at Universal said, “People would probably want to watch a movie about that triangle” and he cut a check for a few million dollars to buy the rights.

Now, the Lorenzo di Bonaventura production, being directed by none other than Roland Emmerich, has picked up a writer, who will somehow create a plot for this film, while pretending that Armageddon never happened. I like to think we all already pretend that.

Universal’s adaptation of the Atari video game Asteroids, meanwhile, will be written by Evan Spiliotopoulos. Matt Lopez (The Sorcerer’s Apprentice) originally worked on the script. Spiliotopoulos was a writer on the upcoming Snow White and the Huntsman.

The trade says “the plotline for the film adaptation has evolved into the story of two estranged brothers that must team up to save Earth from an alien race.” [Via Coming Soon]

Hold on, an alien race? I assume they’re going to imply that creatures from outer space are suddenly firing giant space rocks at Earth and these estranged brothers will have to overcome their hatred of each other – probably because one married the other’s high school sweetheart or raped his dog, or something like that – to fly away in a triangle and spin around and break the asteroids into tiny little pieces. There, I just saved Spiliotopoulos a lot of time.

Assassin Dog must avenge this terrible news.

With three games selling more than 30 million copies worldwide, it’s hard to be shocked that movie studios were banging down Ubisoft’s door to bring “Assassin’s Creed” to the big screen. However, since a lot of video game companies are tired of seeing their efforts destroyed by studios, the negotiating process has become significantly more difficult, which is why we haven’t seen “Grand Theft Auto” and “Halo” in theaters yet. And would it kill someone to make a “Rygar” movie already? It’s been like 20 years.

So for Sony to secure the rights to make an “Assassin’s Creed” movie, Ubisoft had to be promised an unprecedented amount of control. And now rival studios and blabbering insiders are all like, “WTF Sony?”

Notes one incredulous insider, “As a director, even Steven Spielberg cannot get this kind of deal.” And yet it’s this very overarching power that may doom the project, as it has other gigantic video game movies. Notes one Hollywood talent agent who represents a smaller video game publisher, “The whole Ubisoft/Sony deal is a waste of ink, paper and time. The level of control Sony gave up means, effectively, that Assassin’s Creed will never — and I mean never — get made.”

(Via Vulture)

And he pounded on the table and laughed maniacally before lighting another Virginia Slim and pinching his assistant’s ass.

Another source also points out that Ubisoft only got all of this ridiculous control over the project because it is fronting the majority of the cash. Sony basically only bought in for the chance to be a part of it. It’s like when you share a room on Spring Break with a guy who scores a lot. Sure, you’re not the one having sex, but at least everyone saw her come out of your room.

When I heard Lorenzo Di Bonaventura was planning an adaptation of the Atari game Asteroids, I was super excited because 4-bit images of rocks are my favorite. Now it gets even better, as Vulture reports that Universal has offered the project to Roland Emmerich (2012, The Day After Tomorrow) a director who’s really good at blowing things up and nothing else.  The guy made a movie about Shakespeare and the trailer had cannon fights in it, so it’s a safe bet that this will also include fire.

Vulture hears that Asteroids has just been offered to Emmerich by Universal, which is developing the feature film with Transformers: Dark of the Moon producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura. The script comes from Matt Lopez, best known for writing Disney’s The Race to Witch Mountain.

But it’s not all bad, he also wrote Adam Sandler’s Bedtime Stories and Nic Cage’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.

Now, wait. We already know what you’re thinking: Doesn’t even thinking about directing this violate Emmerich’s self-proclaimed ban on making any more movies showing the destruction of Earth? Ah, but hold! Our spies tell us that, technically, no, it does not, because Asteroids is actually set after the destruction of Earth!
We’re told it’s an ersatz sequel to world-ending Emmerich films like Independence Day and 2012, but one in which the aliens have won. The remnants of human civilization are now living on far-flung colonies within an asteroid belt alongside aliens. The survivors were led to believe that this alien civilization was benevolent, rescuing them from doom, but ultimately discover that the aliens have engineered Earth’s destruction, and soon will do the same for the rest of humankind. [Vulture]

Phew, for a second there I was really worried about Roland Emmerich violating his principles. Anyway, this should be great. Movies based on primitive videogames are always just the best.

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SET YOUR ONLINE JOURNALIZZM GUNS TO “HE-SAID, SHE-SAID”, MOTHERF****RS!  Videogame site Joystiq recently got a movie news update from the director of the Uncharted 3 videogame [?]. Justin Richmond spoke of Mark Wahlberg being cast as the lead in the David O. Russell film adaptation, and he says it isn’t as done a deal as everyone thinks.

Mark Wahlberg isn’t anywhere near to being confirmed to play Nathan Drake either — it’s just Hollywood scuttlebutt, apparently. Still, I dutifully told Richmond that the Joystiq Biomass had chosen, and Nathan Fillion has our vote. Message received, Richmond responded.

If I have to hear one more of you nerds geeking out about Nathan Fillion, I swear I’m stuffing someone in a locker.  Anyway, even if it’s not a “done deal” as Richmond says, news of Wahlberg’s casting came from Wahberg himself in an interview with MTV.

Just what was that puzzling David O’Russell [sic] quote, referencing a “family dynamic” in the Uncharted movie, all about, I asked Uncharted 3 game director Justin Richmond at a recent press event. He laughed. “First of all, all that stuff was denied by David O. Russell,” Richmond said. “He actually called us up and was like, ‘I don’t know what these guys are talking about.’”

Again, the “family dynamic” thing (which is pretty broad) came from a direct quote from David O. Russell in the LA Times, so it’s hard to know how trustworthy this guy is.  I’ll be honest, this story doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.  All I know is that it’s all over the internet,  it’s about the planned Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune movie, and last time I posted something about that, everyone crapped their pants, as if this is finally going to be the video game movie that doesn’t gargle monster hog nuts like the last 50.  Look, I like David O. Russell twice as much as the next dude, but even I ain’t rushing to kick the football on this one.  Unless Drake is from Mass and the “family dynamic” means trashy sisters.  “Why ah you goin lookin’ fah treasah in Nepawl?  Ya think yoah too good foah ya famdly now?   That MTV whoah put you up to this, didn’t she!  …FACK YOU, I AM SOBAH!”

Continuing today’s “obvious stories” theme (Courtney Love fondles her crotch in public, Oliver Stone is an A-hole, The Social Network isn’t realistic, Mark Wahlberg beats people with his fake penis…), Inception is becoming a video game.  At least, that’s what Christopher Nolan said he has planned while doing press for the film’s release in Italy.  Why not?  It already has levels.

“What we are looking at doing is developing a videogame based on the world of the film, which has all kinds of ideas that you can’t fit into a feature film,” Nolan aid at a packed Rome press conference.  “that’s something we’ve been talking about and are looking at doing long term, in a couple of years.” [Variety]

Awwww, but I want it NOOOOW.  While you’re developing that, if there’s any way you could make it so that we can go inside the game, play it for days and days, and the real world time we wasted playing it was actually only a few minutes, that would be awesome.

BRAAAAAAAAHMM.  Hadouuuken. BRAAAAAHM.  Hadouuuken.  BRAAAAAAAHM. BRAAAAAHM.