Video game face complains about yogurt! |Video Gum|

Morning Links
‘Hot Girl Yoga Happy Hour’ Video Is Really Popular And We Have No Idea Why |UPROXX|

The Best Zombie Kill GIFs From Each Season 3 Episode Of ‘The Walking Dead’ |Warming Glow|

Another comedy show, another horrible flyer. TUESDAY! 8 PM! SAN FRANCISCO! PUNCHLINE COMEDY CLUB! Come check it out. |Tickets|

SUPERCUT: ‘The Howling Fat Men of the Coen Brothers’ |Film Drunk|

Parents Are Really Upset Over This Victoria’s Secret Spring Break Ad |With Leather|

Predicting EA’s Next Justifications For SimCity’s Always-Online Requirement |Gamma Squad|

40 Etherous Facts About Your Favorite Rappers As Told To Us By Google |Smoking Section|

NFL players as superheroes |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Five Notes on the Stunning Ascendance of America’s Crazy Drunk Uncle: Florida |Grantland|

10 Moments the Wolverine Trailer Stole from ‘Batman Begins’ |Cracked|

How a $20 million contract with LiveNation forced Justin Timberlake to make a new record |AV Club|

12 Game of Thrones House Sigils for the Internet |College Humor|

An Open Letter to Jon Hamm’s Penis |Pajiba|

Every Single Dinosaur in Jurassic Park, From Worst to Best |Vulture|

10 Things You Might Not Know About the Korean War |Mental Floss|

Are They Nerds Or Hipsters? |HuffPost Comedy|

My Search for Game of Thrones Cosplay Went Way Better Than I Thought It Would |Unreality|

BYU Bro Does Amazing Card Magic Trick That Involves Kissing College Chicks |Brobible|

Can Hackers Be Heroes? |High Definite|

Eugene Mirman Took Out Full Page Ad Against Time Warner Cable |Screen Junkies|

New Wonder Woman Costume |The Superficial|

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The Hitman video game franchise is pretty popular, as people seem to love the story of Agent 47 assassinating mean dudes left and right as he learns the true story of the secret cloning experiment that is manufacturing killers. (Forgive me, purists, if that’s not entirely accurate.) Unfortunately, the 2007 film based on the game wasn’t as popular, having only earned $39 million in the U.S. and $60 million more worldwide.

While the film was cast with mostly unknown actors, including a pre-Justified Timothy Olyphant, who simply wasn’t ready to carry an action franchise, it wasn’t necessarily terrible. But I guess it makes sense that Fox International Productions would want a clean reboot Hitman, this time as Agent 47 and with Paul Walker as the titular hero.

Read the rest of this entry »

“Take that, Hitler”, a teenage Burnsy yelled while eating Bagel Bites.

I never played the original Castle Wolfenstein for the Apple II, because I was two-years old when it was released and I’m a child of the Nintendo boom era. But I played the ever-loving doody out of Wolfenstein 3D, which is why I’m pleased as a Nazi monster hunter that Panorama Media is moving forward with the long-rumored Castle Wolfenstein movie.

First the (sort of) bad news – Wolfenstein is being produced by Samuel Hadida, whose claim to fame is being the man behind Resident Evil: Extinction and Silent Hill. Those are not technically “good” movies. In fact, I almost walked out of Silent Hill until I realized how funny it was. But now the good news – Roger Avary will write and direct the film, and he wrote Pulp Fiction and directed Killing Zoe, the two quintessential films in my stereotypical suburban white teenager years. But he also wrote Silent Hill, so who the hell knows what to expect?

As for the plot, Geek Tyrant fills us in…

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In case you forgot, Universal is still moving forward with a big screen adaptation of the 1980s video game “Asteroids.” The game, of course, was about a triangle that spins around in circles and fires at trapezoids that split into tinier shapes, supposedly representing giant rocks hurling through outer space. At some point, an executive at Universal said, “People would probably want to watch a movie about that triangle” and he cut a check for a few million dollars to buy the rights.

Now, the Lorenzo di Bonaventura production, being directed by none other than Roland Emmerich, has picked up a writer, who will somehow create a plot for this film, while pretending that Armageddon never happened. I like to think we all already pretend that.

Universal’s adaptation of the Atari video game Asteroids, meanwhile, will be written by Evan Spiliotopoulos. Matt Lopez (The Sorcerer’s Apprentice) originally worked on the script. Spiliotopoulos was a writer on the upcoming Snow White and the Huntsman.

The trade says “the plotline for the film adaptation has evolved into the story of two estranged brothers that must team up to save Earth from an alien race.” [Via Coming Soon]

Hold on, an alien race? I assume they’re going to imply that creatures from outer space are suddenly firing giant space rocks at Earth and these estranged brothers will have to overcome their hatred of each other – probably because one married the other’s high school sweetheart or raped his dog, or something like that – to fly away in a triangle and spin around and break the asteroids into tiny little pieces. There, I just saved Spiliotopoulos a lot of time.

Assassin Dog must avenge this terrible news.

With three games selling more than 30 million copies worldwide, it’s hard to be shocked that movie studios were banging down Ubisoft’s door to bring “Assassin’s Creed” to the big screen. However, since a lot of video game companies are tired of seeing their efforts destroyed by studios, the negotiating process has become significantly more difficult, which is why we haven’t seen “Grand Theft Auto” and “Halo” in theaters yet. And would it kill someone to make a “Rygar” movie already? It’s been like 20 years.

So for Sony to secure the rights to make an “Assassin’s Creed” movie, Ubisoft had to be promised an unprecedented amount of control. And now rival studios and blabbering insiders are all like, “WTF Sony?”

Notes one incredulous insider, “As a director, even Steven Spielberg cannot get this kind of deal.” And yet it’s this very overarching power that may doom the project, as it has other gigantic video game movies. Notes one Hollywood talent agent who represents a smaller video game publisher, “The whole Ubisoft/Sony deal is a waste of ink, paper and time. The level of control Sony gave up means, effectively, that Assassin’s Creed will never — and I mean never — get made.”

(Via Vulture)

And he pounded on the table and laughed maniacally before lighting another Virginia Slim and pinching his assistant’s ass.

Another source also points out that Ubisoft only got all of this ridiculous control over the project because it is fronting the majority of the cash. Sony basically only bought in for the chance to be a part of it. It’s like when you share a room on Spring Break with a guy who scores a lot. Sure, you’re not the one having sex, but at least everyone saw her come out of your room.