Lost in all the hubbub and butt plug of movie news is a real-life story with all the drama and intrigue of Hollywood blockbuster.  It’s the capital murder trial of one Leonard Gonzalez Jr. and seven of his compatriots, who, in a story as old as time, planned a ninja attack on a special needs family in order to save his struggling karate school.  Yes, it’s like The Foot Fist Way meets In Cold Blood meets meth.  And this part may come as a shock, but it happened in Florida.

On July 9, 2009, dressed as ninjas and wearing black masks, Gonzalez and seven others crept into the Billings’ home.  Once inside, prosecutors allege it was Gonzalez Jr. who shot and killed the couple while one of their special needs children looked on.  According to witness statements, it’s alleged the gang of “ninjas” entered the home with hopes of stealing the family’s home safe which they believed contained upwards of 13 million dollars.

The defendant’s wife, Tabitha Gonzalez, testified that the family’s business, a karate school, had gone under. Prosecutors argue this indicates that financial gain was Leonard Gonzalez’s overriding motive.

“He was so broke … that his mother had to buy him a car, which turned out to be a big red van that was used in the murders,” prosecutor Bill Eddins said in his opening statements of Gonzalez.

A van full of murdering ninjas?  Yes, a van full of murdering ninjas.

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You know, I was content to just make jokes about this clown and his terrifying rape van based on the pictures alone, but you meddlin’ commenters had to keep digging.  I could’ve done without this information, but we now know that the rape clown’s name is “Extremo the Clown”, he lives in Portland, he paints windows for a living, and he writes a blog.  It makes sense that the clown would write a blog, because I write a blog, and I was voted “Class Clown” in high school.  Also, I rape kids.

According to the blog, he’s also a bit of an artist:

After I got home I went out into my studio. I am finishing up a piece for a show in Atlanta, Georgia. It’s for a group exhibit with a bedtime stories theme. Here is the poem to my piece which is a latex casting from an original sculpture.

PADDYCAKE PADDYCAKE NIGHTMARE CLOWN
UNDER THE BED AS YOU LAY DOWN
HE LIES SO QUIET HE TASTES YOUR FEAR
IS THIS THE NIGHT HE WILL APPEAR?

Delightful.  This guy could make a car full of juggalos and carnies lock their doors. This is what happens when you get molested by foot fetishists at asthma camp.

[blame Watanabex and TuckerBillings for digging this up]

Friday Free for All is that time of the week when I get to post something I feel like posting, movie-related or not.  Because hey, no one should work hard on Friday.  Send your tips to lance@filmdrunk.com.

Though it hasn’t come up in a while, some of the grey beards in the back of the FilmDrunk short bus can probably remember a time when FilmDrunk was the internet’s number one source for news about creepy rape vans.  Today’s Friday Free for All post harkens back to that time.  I present to you: the rapiest van in the history of rape vans.  You might wonder: how does one create a rapier rape van than one with Neverending Story murals and bars on the windows?  To which I’d answer, “How about ornate wood carvings?  How about ornate wood carvings of weird devil-jesters with horns?  How about a centerpiece that appears to be an insane vagrant, grinning maniacally as he rides the box cars of hell, shoveling children’s toes into his mouth out of an old tin of baked beans?”

These pictures were sent in by FilmDrunkard Megan, who writes:

Here is a man dressed as a clown at the Fremont fair in Seattle. This was the most blatant pedophilic display i have ever seen. Note not only the van, but also in the second picture, I’m not sure you can fully see it, but the man is dressed like a clown out of your nightmares [Dr. Rockzo?] and had a monkey puppet-which he used to traumatize the audience as he sang along to the oldies station he had blaring. It was like something out of a Rob Zombie movie.

Again, you might wonder how to make a clown driving a van featuring ornate wood carvings creepier than that already sounds.  Well first, you make sure he’s not dressed in a proper clown suit.  Instead give him a trucker hat, a big pot belly, and the urge to dance.  Next, add a t-shirt that’s somehow both baggy and revealing, and throw in some sweat pants or jeans.  That way, he doesn’t look so much like a clown as he does a guy who painted his face after murdering his whole family while high on Jimson weed.  And f*ck it, how about a monkey hand puppet, just for sh*ts and giggles.  His van appears to be called the “Never Never Van.” Which I assume stands for “Never, never let your kids anywhere near this mobile sodomy dungeon.”

Ever since Rooster and Trish, the Neverending Story Van owners and frequent threateners of lawsuits against FilmDrunk, walked out of my life, there’s been a hole in my heart that booze and public masturbation just couldn’t fill.  But they say Jesus works in mysterious ways, and in my search for something that would remind me them, I found this, the quintessential Star Wars-themed rape van.  All other Star Wars rape vans must kneel in the presence of this one.  It may never come close to what Rooster and Trish and I shared, but I did come up with these van-related movie quotes:

“Run, kids.  IT’S A TRAP!”

“Game over, van, game over!”

“Now DAT’S how you sposta rape van!”

[via F-ckYeahRapeVans]