WE HAVE DISCOVERED AN ANCIENT CACHE OF SEVENTIES SOFTCORE PORN PHOTOS TAKEN BY A VAN DRIVER. TODAY IS A GREAT DAY.

For today’s Friday Free for All, our regularly-scheduled, non-movie-related digression, an effusive thanks goes out to UptownAlmanac for their recent, incredible investigative work on one of our favorite topics, Rape Vans. They recently discovered in San Francisco the above van, which fits our definition of “Rape Van” on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin (windowless, covered in rust, parked on the street…).  But here’s where it gets A THOUSAND TIMES BETTER. This Rape Van driver has a website.  And this Rape Van driver looks like this:

I. Want. To be married in that vest.  I want to be BURIED in that vest. Or stuffed in it and paraded before future generations as a symbol of pride.  But I don’t even have TIME to discuss how awesome Larry Jamison’s outfit is, because this story too quickly gets EVEN BETTER. Did I mention Larry Jamison’s website is dedicated to his photography?  Did I mention that Larry Jamison’s website has a section called “Boudoir”?  Is there ANY word in the English language more rapey-sounding than BOUDOIR?  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  These pictures… they simply must be seen.  (*crosses self, says 10 Hail Maries, thanks Gods for whatever I did to deserve this*)

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The other day after posting my most recent rape van submission (as the internet’s number one destination for vannin’ and rape-van related van pictures, it happens all the time), a friend asked, “Wait, is every van a rape van?”

I believe this to be one of the most important questions we face today.  Is simply being a van enough?  Everyone understands vans to be the rapiest of vehicles (except for the owner of the above van, who still disputes this conclusion), like non-commercial incarnations of semi tractor trailer cabs. But are they all rapey?  The easy answer is that some are more rapey than others.  A Mazda MPV, for instance, is not very rapey, due in no small part to the abundance of windows.  However, there exists no one perfect equation that can accurately determine the rapeyness of a particular van.  Like the Supreme Court justice famously said of obscenity, “I can’t tell you what it is, but I know it when I see it.”  The same is true of Rape Vans.  So come with me, as we explore just what makes a van rapey or righteous.

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My, my, a SECOND rape van post?  What God did I please, you must be thinking.  That’s right, loyal FilmDrunkard Matthew saw this morning’s post on the World’s Most Legit Rape Van and promptly sent over a picture of the Star Wars rape van you see above, which he spotted a few weeks ago in Seattle.  And as we all know, Rape Vans come in threes, like celebrity deaths, or a bukkake quorum, so WHO KNOWS WHAT MAJESTY THIS AFTERNOON WILL BRING???

If forced to compare this rape van to this morning’s rape van, I don’t think there’s any question that a rainbow-queefing unicorn being ridden into space by an AK-47-toting Viking with a ZZ Top beard beats a pretty standard rendering of the iconic Star Wars characters.  However, I will say that being covered in rust and parked in front of what appears to be an abandoned factory, this one may have the edge in actual rapiness.  “Now if you’ll just move the insulation and old rebar aside, I’ll show you where I keep the candy.”

I wonder if this is Jaimie Alexander‘s van.

My God, is that an AK-47-toting Viking riding a rainbow-sh*tting unicorn into outer space?  F*ck me in the turd button, that is nothing short of magnificent.  Hell, I’d let this guy molest me. |Source|

MORNING LINKS

YO, SAN FRANCISCO!  I’m doing some stand-up tonight at 10 at the Purple Onion. Sorry, I suppose that’s no reason to shout. No, I did not make that flyer. |flyer|

11 Diabolical Plans Discovered On Osama Bin Laden’s Hard Drives. |Uproxx|

The Ten Best TV Episodes of the 2010-11 Season. |WarmingGlow|

Random Netflix: The “Worse Than Tyler Perry” Edition. |TSS|

A Gallery of Batmen Getting Arrested. |GammaSquad|

Calvin & Hobbes: The Next Generation |Buzzfeed|

Poor 15-year-old finds $15,000, donates it to charity. |TheDailyWhat|

Court upholds sports fans right to flip the bird.  That’s right “flip”. “Flick” is what morons say. |BostonStool|

Ashton Kutcher replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Man. I can’t wait to continue not watching this. |TheSuperficial|

GED classroom fights are better than other classroom fights. |NYCStool|

Major League Baseballs eight biggest dippers. |Clutch|

Levi Johnson’s rejected book titles. |HolyTaco|

10 strange but real sports you haven’t heard of. |Guyism|

Bin Laden emailed everyone via flash drives, couriers, and internet cafes.  Probably that “hugging lion” video. |Fark|

David Hasselhoff joins cast of Piranha 3DD, probably doesn’t realize it’s a joke. |ScreenJunkies|

A Gallery of MMO Players in Game and in Life. |UnrealityMag|

NOMINATE FOR COMMENTS OF THE WEEK. THE FROTCAST (OUR PODCAST) ON iTUNES. FILMDRUNK ON FACEBOOK. FILMDRUNK ON TWITTER.

Lost in all the hubbub and butt plug of movie news is a real-life story with all the drama and intrigue of Hollywood blockbuster.  It’s the capital murder trial of one Leonard Gonzalez Jr. and seven of his compatriots, who, in a story as old as time, planned a ninja attack on a special needs family in order to save his struggling karate school.  Yes, it’s like The Foot Fist Way meets In Cold Blood meets meth.  And this part may come as a shock, but it happened in Florida.

On July 9, 2009, dressed as ninjas and wearing black masks, Gonzalez and seven others crept into the Billings’ home.  Once inside, prosecutors allege it was Gonzalez Jr. who shot and killed the couple while one of their special needs children looked on.  According to witness statements, it’s alleged the gang of “ninjas” entered the home with hopes of stealing the family’s home safe which they believed contained upwards of 13 million dollars.

The defendant’s wife, Tabitha Gonzalez, testified that the family’s business, a karate school, had gone under. Prosecutors argue this indicates that financial gain was Leonard Gonzalez’s overriding motive.

“He was so broke … that his mother had to buy him a car, which turned out to be a big red van that was used in the murders,” prosecutor Bill Eddins said in his opening statements of Gonzalez.

A van full of murdering ninjas?  Yes, a van full of murdering ninjas.

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