I award Burnsy Photoshop of the week for this.

It was another great week in clever commenting, but hey, I don’t need to tell you that, this is FilmDrunk! Before we get to this week’s winner, (who, as per usual, will be taking home a FilmDrunk shirt which you can

Jan: Taylor deserve more credit than many of you (particularly men) give him! Men are always bashing young Taylor on their comments! Taylor can act and one day all of you negative AH will kick yourselves in your AH!

Aw, much as I want to make fun of young (I assume — perhaps also foreign) Jan here for… well, everything, I find her need to abbreviate the word “asshole” incredibly endearing. I imagine her chastising me, hands on hips, unspeakably angry but still incapable of telling a swear. “You’re being a real… a real… well, a real J-E-R-K!”

Next up, remember the great FilmDrunk/Rape Van feud of 2009? Well this guy sure does:

vonalochi: Dude, f*ck you. That’s one bad ass van. More bad ass than your stupid comments that lack a point. It’s been three years now. Hopefully you’ve grown up a little and can appreciate differences in other people and fantastic artwork when you see it. You’re a prime example of the scum of this world. Argue about something that actually is going to apply to your life in the near future, because the reason why kids like YOU are working at Wendy’s making MY jr. bacon cheeseburgers is because all you ignorant f*cks do is go online and talk sh*t on people they know nothing about. Just remember the more enemies you make, the more prone you are to getting f*cked with, moron. On the internet or not. COMMON SENSE, fag.

“COMMON SENSE, fag,” really is the archetypal internet comment. I plan to use it as my new email closing. I’ve even used it to replace “sent from my iphone.” I also like the implication that the ultimate hallmark of success in life is having someone else to make your junior bacon cheeseburger for you. Well la di da, your highness. Wait, did you say “junior?” What are you, watching your figure or something? Call us when you grow up and start eating big boy cheeseburgers, FAG.

Ahh, we have fun, don’t we? Okay, time to choose a winner. I know you guys sort of vote on this stuff, but I had to overrule your nominations and seconds, because this was just too inspired. From my post about Jane Fonda playing Nancy Reagan in The Butler, about the White House butler, from Precious director Lee Daniels (my God, isn’t that just the movie-est-sounding movie ever?):

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WE HAVE DISCOVERED AN ANCIENT CACHE OF SEVENTIES SOFTCORE PORN PHOTOS TAKEN BY A VAN DRIVER. TODAY IS A GREAT DAY.

For today’s Friday Free for All, our regularly-scheduled, non-movie-related digression, an effusive thanks goes out to UptownAlmanac for their recent, incredible investigative work on one of our favorite topics, Rape Vans. They recently discovered in San Francisco the above van, which fits our definition of “Rape Van” on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin (windowless, covered in rust, parked on the street…).  But here’s where it gets A THOUSAND TIMES BETTER. This Rape Van driver has a website.  And this Rape Van driver looks like this:

I. Want. To be married in that vest.  I want to be BURIED in that vest. Or stuffed in it and paraded before future generations as a symbol of pride.  But I don’t even have TIME to discuss how awesome Larry Jamison’s outfit is, because this story too quickly gets EVEN BETTER. Did I mention Larry Jamison’s website is dedicated to his photography?  Did I mention that Larry Jamison’s website has a section called “Boudoir”?  Is there ANY word in the English language more rapey-sounding than BOUDOIR?  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  These pictures… they simply must be seen.  (*crosses self, says 10 Hail Maries, thanks Gods for whatever I did to deserve this*)

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The other day after posting my most recent rape van submission (as the internet’s number one destination for vannin’ and rape-van related van pictures, it happens all the time), a friend asked, “Wait, is every van a rape van?”

I believe this to be one of the most important questions we face today.  Is simply being a van enough?  Everyone understands vans to be the rapiest of vehicles (except for the owner of the above van, who still disputes this conclusion), like non-commercial incarnations of semi tractor trailer cabs. But are they all rapey?  The easy answer is that some are more rapey than others.  A Mazda MPV, for instance, is not very rapey, due in no small part to the abundance of windows.  However, there exists no one perfect equation that can accurately determine the rapeyness of a particular van.  Like the Supreme Court justice famously said of obscenity, “I can’t tell you what it is, but I know it when I see it.”  The same is true of Rape Vans.  So come with me, as we explore just what makes a van rapey or righteous.

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My, my, a SECOND rape van post?  What God did I please, you must be thinking.  That’s right, loyal FilmDrunkard Matthew saw this morning’s post on the World’s Most Legit Rape Van and promptly sent over a picture of the Star Wars rape van you see above, which he spotted a few weeks ago in Seattle.  And as we all know, Rape Vans come in threes, like celebrity deaths, or a bukkake quorum, so WHO KNOWS WHAT MAJESTY THIS AFTERNOON WILL BRING???

If forced to compare this rape van to this morning’s rape van, I don’t think there’s any question that a rainbow-queefing unicorn being ridden into space by an AK-47-toting Viking with a ZZ Top beard beats a pretty standard rendering of the iconic Star Wars characters.  However, I will say that being covered in rust and parked in front of what appears to be an abandoned factory, this one may have the edge in actual rapiness.  “Now if you’ll just move the insulation and old rebar aside, I’ll show you where I keep the candy.”

I wonder if this is Jaimie Alexander‘s van.

My God, is that an AK-47-toting Viking riding a rainbow-sh*tting unicorn into outer space?  F*ck me in the turd button, that is nothing short of magnificent.  Hell, I’d let this guy molest me. |Source|

MORNING LINKS

YO, SAN FRANCISCO!  I’m doing some stand-up tonight at 10 at the Purple Onion. Sorry, I suppose that’s no reason to shout. No, I did not make that flyer. |flyer|

11 Diabolical Plans Discovered On Osama Bin Laden’s Hard Drives. |Uproxx|

The Ten Best TV Episodes of the 2010-11 Season. |WarmingGlow|

Random Netflix: The “Worse Than Tyler Perry” Edition. |TSS|

A Gallery of Batmen Getting Arrested. |GammaSquad|

Calvin & Hobbes: The Next Generation |Buzzfeed|

Poor 15-year-old finds $15,000, donates it to charity. |TheDailyWhat|

Court upholds sports fans right to flip the bird.  That’s right “flip”. “Flick” is what morons say. |BostonStool|

Ashton Kutcher replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Man. I can’t wait to continue not watching this. |TheSuperficial|

GED classroom fights are better than other classroom fights. |NYCStool|

Major League Baseballs eight biggest dippers. |Clutch|

Levi Johnson’s rejected book titles. |HolyTaco|

10 strange but real sports you haven’t heard of. |Guyism|

Bin Laden emailed everyone via flash drives, couriers, and internet cafes.  Probably that “hugging lion” video. |Fark|

David Hasselhoff joins cast of Piranha 3DD, probably doesn’t realize it’s a joke. |ScreenJunkies|

A Gallery of MMO Players in Game and in Life. |UnrealityMag|

NOMINATE FOR COMMENTS OF THE WEEK. THE FROTCAST (OUR PODCAST) ON iTUNES. FILMDRUNK ON FACEBOOK. FILMDRUNK ON TWITTER.